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This is toxic

(9 Posts)
Francis90 Sat 15-Aug-20 14:45:54

As the title suggests.. I’ve been involved in a toxic on and off Rship for almost 3.5 years now. I wouldn’t even call it a Rship anymore I don’t even know what it is. Posting here really to just get stuff off my chest as things have got on top of me again and I feel shit.

It is to long to even type everything that has gone on over the years however it’s been very toxic arguments no real commitment from him and also an abortion nearly two years ago that he wanted and I didn’t and can’t really seem to move on from.

I’ve managed to not talk to him for months at a time .. the last year we’ve been more off than on and he stopped contacting me if we argue I will admit sometimes it is now me who gets in contact first when it used to be him.

I feel he’s lost any feelings for me now he doesn’t seem to care even less now when I’m upset than before.. maybe he’s had enough and wouldn’t blame him as it’s not been great but then he will come on strong again and I’ll get confused.. we barely have had sex in the last year I could count on one hand.

Last week I saw a change in him he seemed how he was at the start of our Rship he all of a sudden wanted to see me a lot and kept asking to stay over. I found this strange as he hasn’t been like this for months and months.. he was also being very touchy feely and trying to initiate sex I said no the first few nights. He asked to take me out for dinner which we have not done in so long. I honestly thought maybe there had been some change in him.. I was wrong.

We eventually had sex was due to to out for dinner a few nights after this. Day came I couldn’t tell he didn’t want to go it was awful he was horrible the whole time.. ended up in me crying and a Huge argument all because he was ‘tired’

He’s never been the type of man with a high sex drive or pestered me for sex but I feel the coming on strong and being nice asking to take me out was just for sex . He completly changed after he got it.

I’ve told him how I felt we’ve argued gone back and fourth and I am now blocked.

I feel shit .. I don’t want to be in this situation nearly 4 years later with nothing to show from it. I thought I wasn’t so wrapped up in him anymore but my mental health is shit this week now and I feel so shit that he just picked me up and dropped me again.

Just wanted to get it of my chest. X

OP’s posts: |
fightingbackagainstwhat Sat 15-Aug-20 14:49:25

I am sorry that sounds really hard. You need to be tough with yourself and stay away, work out how a relationship should be and get happy again, and then wait until you meet someone who wants a proper relationship, with you. flowers

Bunnymumy Sat 15-Aug-20 14:58:23

What's that saying doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, is madness. Well, that.

Take control. Block him on everything else, change your number, make it do that when he inevitably feels like sniffing around again, he cannot get back in touch. If he finds a way, ignore ignore ignore.

You realise it is toxic, he is toxic. So consider why you are being drawn back into this cycle time and time again. Is it just because you are lonely or could you have underlying codependency issues? Take this time to work on you.

Write a list of all the horrible things he has said or done to you over the years and any time you miss the 'good' times, read it.

Francis90 Sat 15-Aug-20 15:12:36

I have blocked him several time’s.. i admit sometimes I end up unblocking or sometimes he will contact from a different number.. this could be months later but we always end up talking again and the current cycle is we can’t seem to get on for any longer than. Week or two and one of us is blocked again.

I have also changed my number but that didn’t work.. he only lives down the road and he sometimes will turn up here however he doesn’t do that as much anymore as half the time to be quite honest he don’t seem to give a shit now.

Seems to be me the one who’s really
Upset chasing him when we argue messaging Etc and just getting ignored.

Just can’t take the hot and cold from him it’s even crossed my mind there is someone else and when they are not on good terms he comes back to me..

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Sat 15-Aug-20 15:14:11

I'm sorry op, but you are the maker of your own misery. You keep going back to this horrible man knowing exactly what the end result will be, and of course it always is. Just stop it.

Bunnymumy Sat 15-Aug-20 15:21:01

Dont you find it creepy that he calls you from different numbers and just shows up at your house? I would.

Time to take some personal responsibility though op. He is probably dicking several women about. Trust your gut. Maybe you should move. Might sounds bit drastic but I think you need something like that to break the cycle.

Francis90 Sat 15-Aug-20 15:31:15

@Bunnymumy mmm haven’t really thought of it as creepy no.. he doesn’t really do it anymore anyway.

Agree I do also need to take some responsibility..

Moving isn’t an option I’d have to sell my flat

OP’s posts: |
GlitteriestFluff Sat 15-Aug-20 20:59:52

He's a sociopath loser and you are codependent.

Sounds nasty, but it's true. When you change yourself, so that you are solidly, completely, one hundred per cent loving of yourself, his dickhead flapping-around, keeping-women-on-a-string behaviour will be the last thing you want anywhere near you.

Selling your flat IS an option. It's one you are choosing not to take - but own that decision and then it is one you can change whenever you fancy. Or not.

backseatcookers Sat 15-Aug-20 23:05:40

I have also changed my number but that didn’t work.. he only lives down the road and he sometimes will turn up here however he doesn’t do that as much anymore as half the time to be quite honest he don’t seem to give a shit now.

A man you have repeatedly blocked ignores your decision to cut contact and doesn't respect your right to make that decision, so continues to push contact including turning up announced and uninvited. That is manipulative as fuck and is on him.

However it's important for you to be accountable too to stop this cycle. He is manipulative and pushing for contact when he's been blocked, but you are continuing to engage with him thereby showing him those tactics work.

Counselling counselling counselling.

But first, NOW, tell him he is not to contact at all in any way, on any platform, as you as you wish to focus on yourself.

If he contacts you or turns you will consider it unwanted harassment - tell him that clearly in a written form, text / email.

Then block on all platforms.

And make sure by that you then start some serious work on yourself, your boundaries and your future planning - through counselling - to NOT re engage.

Why not send that sort of message to him tonight? There's no reason to delay surely?

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