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I am married to such an idiot

(70 Posts)
Yogatomorrow Sat 15-Aug-20 13:59:19

Sorry but this is going to a self-pitying rant. I am married to a man who thinks that he is hilarious and that I have a sense of humour by pass. Because everyone else bar me thinks that he is really funny. I am just a bossy cow who ruins his fun.

Today:
He bought himself a mask that says "fuck covid". He will only wear it while shopping with me and DS (7). In my opinion, it is totally inappropriate to wear it infront of a child. Also I am a teacher, imagine if my students or SLT were to see me with him wearing it. He has agreed not to wear it (or more accurately he says he will throw it away because he is "not allowed to wear it" (!)).

We spotted a very expensive car with a really tacky personalised number plate. So DH makes the joke to DD that he wanted the driver to open the window so that he could spit at them. (He wouldn't - but in his world it is still very funny to joke about it). In front of my sister as well.

Family zoom meeting. He doesn't join in, but sits on other side of the computer. For some reason the conversation turns to cows. So he pipes up "talking about mad cows - how is your mother?"

Again in the family zoom meeting, the conversation was on something mundane. So again he pipes up "this is a bloody boring conversation" Again a joke - apparently. These are the only two comments he made - not even "hello" or "good bye".

I have stopped drinking alcohol as I have been struggling with my mental health and drinking for a bit. I managed 7 days today - proud of myself. I mentioned that I was thinking of going to church tomorrow. He returns around and tells/orders me "don't go to church - go have a drink instead". Yet another "joke".

All in one day.

I am embarrassed by him. He actually can actually be witty, entertaining and charismatic but he has no filter or sense of appropriateness. And his comments can be nasty on occasion.

He has little empathy when it comes to his sense of humour. He also justifies everything as being a joke. I hate the position it puts me in of having to choose to let it pass or bring him up on it. He will never accept that his funny comments aren't funny and turns it on me. Leading to unpleasantness in front of our child and family.

We just don't have the same values. I makes me so sad.

OP’s posts: |
DDIJ Sat 15-Aug-20 14:03:39

That all sounds horrible but this bit stood out for me

He has little empathy when it comes to his sense of humour. He also justifies everything as being a joke. I hate the position it puts me in of having to choose to let it pass or bring him up on it. He will never accept that his funny comments aren't funny and turns it on me. Leading to unpleasantness in front of our child and family.

Is there anything positive at all about this relationship for you?

Aquamarine1029 Sat 15-Aug-20 14:03:43

Fuck me, he sounds insufferable. I wouldn't be wasting any more of my life with him. He's rude, crude, and emotionally manipulative. If his stupid "jokes" aren't funny It's because you have no sense of humour, right? Pure gaslighting.

Dollyrocket Sat 15-Aug-20 14:05:13

He sounds very immature and tedious. His behaviour would really annoy most people I think - does he has any real friends?

Is he like this with everyone else or just you (or all women perhaps?). What are his family like and has he always been like this?

I couldn’t be with someone who was this embarrassing as I’d have got the ‘ick’ and wouldn’t be able to touch them confused

Yogatomorrow Sat 15-Aug-20 14:07:55

Thanks for your quick replies.

There is actually loads good in the relationship. This was a particularly bad day. But I think he genuinely does value his sense of humour as he is actually a naturally witty person. I think criticising him over it is his weak spot that makes him lash out.

Not an excuse. I have had loads of opportunity to analyse this behaviour.

Yes, it gas lighting. Basically blaming my lack of sense of humour.

I just needed to vent as I have a very limited friendship group (none!)

OP’s posts: |
Biscuitsdisappear Sat 15-Aug-20 14:10:36

The abusive language on the face mask could upset somebody with young children sufficiently for them to call the police.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 15-Aug-20 14:13:08

I would be telling him that he is incapable of differentiating between being harmlessly witty and making jokes at other people's expense and making jokes that are totally inappropriate. He either has no filter or he actively chooses not to use one, so which is it? Does he enjoy making other people feel shit and uncomfortable? Sadly, I think he does. He gets off on it.

BertiesLanding Sat 15-Aug-20 14:13:48

No wonder why you drank, OP.

DDIJ Sat 15-Aug-20 14:14:31

Is your lack of friends related in any way to a loss of confidence? Gaslighting does that. I appreciate you are in a profession where you work long hours and have limited opportunity to socialise but I wondered if there was something more.

Yogatomorrow Sat 15-Aug-20 14:14:32

He is like this with all people. He is an equal opportunities sense of humour bully! He will also stand up for people and he is very loyal. Loads of good qualities. Just can be a total idiot sometimes.

Again, I don't want to be making excuses for him. I am going to apologise as well to any chefs out there, but he is a chef. I have noticed with him and most of his work colleagues that I have met there is some sort of social immaturity. Their world of work allows that childishness that would get the rest of us sacked.

So, again I think that one reason why he carries on with it and thinks that I am in the wrong. Because his idiot workmates snigger at such shite.

OP’s posts: |
updownroundandround Sat 15-Aug-20 14:15:56

He actually sounds very self centred and selfish to be honest.

Ask him whether he actually cares whether you or your DC feel hurt/ upset by his 'jokes' and whether he'll be continuing to deliberately cause you both upset if he does actually care.

If you think he's simply obtuse (to the nth degree), then choose something about him to constantly 'joke' about eg his bald patch, his belly etc (whatever HE'S sensitive about) !

Selfish, self centred, egotistical and rude are what come to mind from your description tbh. NOT funny.

Yogatomorrow Sat 15-Aug-20 14:19:55

The abusive language on the face mask could upset somebody with young children sufficiently for them to call the police.

I agree with that. Who makes this stuff? I can answer who buys it hmm

I would be telling him that he is incapable of differentiating between being harmlessly witty and making jokes at other people's expense and making jokes that are totally inappropriate. He either has no filter or he actively chooses not to use one, so which is it? Does he enjoy making other people feel shit and uncomfortable? Sadly, I think he does. He gets off on it.

I do tell him. It is a rocky path with us. I find it hard to handle. He doesn't get off on it. I genuinely think he doesn't get others discomfort at being the butt of a joke or witnessing an inappropriate joke. He just doesn't know where the barriers are.

Is your lack of friends related in any way to a loss of confidence? Gaslighting does that.

Could be. But between us there is a whole bag of issues.

OP’s posts: |
Yogatomorrow Sat 15-Aug-20 14:23:22

Thanks for listening. It really does help to have people to bounce off.

OP’s posts: |
SoulofanAggron Sat 15-Aug-20 14:24:26

Are any of these jokes times that he makes nasty comments about you, then says he was 'just joking' or you're 'over-sensitive?' That is a classic thing abusive men often do. I bet if you think about it he's not entirely 'equal opportunities' about these 'jokes.' He maybe gives you an extra helping.

RedDogsBeg Sat 15-Aug-20 14:27:12

Not a single one of the examples you have given is funny, a joke, or remotely witty and yet you are defending him saying he is charismatic and witty. Genuinely witty and charismatic people don't make nasty comments and then try to justify them as a 'joke' nor do they lack empathy.

In what possible way is this at all funny or witty:

We spotted a very expensive car with a really tacky personalised number plate. So DH makes the joke to DD that he wanted the driver to open the window so that he could spit at them. (He wouldn't - but in his world it is still very funny to joke about it). In front of my sister as well.

it's just spiteful and nasty. Your poor children.

Aussiebean Sat 15-Aug-20 14:28:42

Cock your head to the side and ask him to explain the joke.

‘I don’t get it, how is that funny and not hurtful to...?’

DDIJ Sat 15-Aug-20 14:31:05

I know you say there are good things in the relationship, but if you ever feel that things are not as good you can always come here and get support. This will wear you down.

ChickensMightFly Sat 15-Aug-20 14:31:56

His humour would eclipse his other good qualities for me as I just couldn't accept it. The person we spend our lives with has those flaws which we are able to tolerate. If you can tolerate it, and it isn't a wider pattern of abuse, then all credit to you for managing that. My partner can have a bit of a short fuse sometimes, but he's a good man and has many other excellent qualities. Does this fall into that kind of situation?
I would avoid your company if he was around though so it could be affecting your ability to build friendships, unless you keep your friends and dh separate.
In answer to your original question, I think it's him not you. flowers

workhomesleeprepeat Sat 15-Aug-20 14:36:56

Has he always been like this OP or has it gotten worse over time?

workhomesleeprepeat Sat 15-Aug-20 14:39:25

OP I've just read your update that he is a chef! I could have guessed tbh. My ex was in hospitality and was very much as you described. And socially immature. He was only 6 years older than me but I outgrew him by my 30s and suffered through many embarrassments

Yogatomorrow Sat 15-Aug-20 14:41:26

DDIJ and Chickens thank you for your kindness.

His humour would eclipse his other good qualities for me as I just couldn't accept it. The person we spend our lives with has those flaws which we are able to tolerate. If you can tolerate it, and it isn't a wider pattern of abuse, then all credit to you for managing that. My partner can have a bit of a short fuse sometimes, but he's a good man and has many other excellent qualities. Does this fall into that kind of situation?

This is essentially where I am at. A very good way of putting it.

90% of the time things are great. There is genuinely laughter, support and love between the whole family. But then there is that edge of what is unacceptable for me.

Does the 10% overwhelm the rest? Is it worth the upheaval of leaving? Is it worth the emotional labour of lecturing, smoothing over and coping of staying?

Does splitting up have a worse effect on the children? I want to be there with them with him to be able to protect them or neutralise his comments when they go to far. I can't do that if I'm not with him.

OP’s posts: |
Yogatomorrow Sat 15-Aug-20 14:46:22

OP I've just read your update that he is a chef! I could have guessed tbh. My ex was in hospitality and was very much as you described. And socially immature. He was only 6 years older than me but I outgrew him by my 30s and suffered through many embarrassments

I thought I'd get flamed for that - but you know grin

Has he always been like this OP or has it gotten worse over time?

Always blush. He never hid it. It's his personality. His worse excesses pop up infrequently (but getting harder to brush off as I and the kids get older!).

OP’s posts: |
DDIJ Sat 15-Aug-20 14:50:36

What I will say is that in my experience a parent saying unkind things disguised as humour can be imitated by the child. The father is supposed to be a role model after all. This can make life difficult for the other parent, as well as the child themselves. It is probably easier to mitigate when the parents are not together.

Horehound Sat 15-Aug-20 14:53:07

I could not be with someone like this. No way.

Horehound Sat 15-Aug-20 14:55:05

Does splitting up have a worse effect on the children? I want to be there with them with him to be able to protect them or neutralise his comments when they go to far. I can't do that if I'm not with him.

This says it all. You don't want to be with him

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