When I've spoken to friends and family members about my struggles with DH, the following words have been used to describe him, "sheep" "zombie-like" "people pleaser" "cowardly" "wimpish" "hunched" "soft" "gentle" "sensitive" "kind" "autistic" "slow" "detached" "clueless".
He has huge self-esteem issues it seems and he appears to cowar to strangers, hunching his body and speaking in a way to please them. This often comes at the detriment of me.
He has a circle of friends that he's always made a lot of effort to fit in with, he will always say yes to every organised event/ meet-up, again at the detriment of his own family and often, our financial situation. He is obsessed with the way he comes across to others and will be overly kind and agreeable. If he tries to organise something though, something I once encouraged him to do, they don't reciprocate.
He has a food addiction and he is hugely self conscious of the way he looks which again means he sort of obsesses over other peoples lives and victories whilst neglecting his own. He has stopped making an effort with physical intimacy and is very insular. It's all very sad.
I chose DH after a stream of arrogant boyfriends and meeting someone seemingly so kind and humble was refreshing and lovely. However, what I've since learned is that to make up for his pleasable nature in the outside world, at home, he is stubborn, lazy, does not listen at all to my needs and treats me with complete apathy. With have 2 children together and he's a kind, lovely Dad on the whole, but he can be lazy and irresponsible. He neglects our relationship a lot of the time in return for being a yes man in the outside world and also a Mr Helpful. I feel extremely lonely and fed up. He can be extremely un-caring and will sulk and simmer on resentment if I criticise him.
I am worried about leaving him, but he's leaving me with little choice. I feel sorry for him in many ways, but I can't go on like this. I'm not sure what I'm asking really, I just want to share what I'm feeling and get some perspective. I've been having counselling for 4 years and after plucking apart all of our arguments and disagreements over the last few years, this week, my counsellor and I concluded that this- his self-esteem problem is actually at the crux of all our problems. He needs some help, but he's extremely unwilling to help himself and says he will not succumb to any more "demands that I change!" He laughed when I suggested he try counselling himself- it's odd that at home, he can be quite arrogant, stubborn and driven. He can be the complete opposite of the image he shows to the outside world. I'm learning to have more sympathy for him than anger, which has taken time to do, many people I've spoken to about this just feel sorry for him. I dread initiating separation as I've no doubt that I will be the bad guy in the eyes of everyone we know. He will never change.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
DH has huge self-esteem issues, but digs his heels in at home
Ooodlesanddoodles · 15/08/2020 08:24
Well he sounds awful OP.
Don't worry about what people think, they are not in your marriage.
I applaud you managing to be sympathetic towards him as he sounds like a deeply unattractive man.
Your happiness is important too.
I think you need to look at how you want your life to look in 10 years time.
Can he change?
If not, do you really want to be 10 years more with this man?
Best of luck.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.