House Pain

[NorthOfTheRiver]

2 years ago me and my wife bought a house which was in need of a lot of work. We had already done one up but this one was in far worse state. It's in a great area with a lot of potential.. we saw that it could be a dream home.

We started chipping away at it, then did a major extension last year which was a lot of stress. There is still lots to do but with a bit of a push I can sort of see an end. But this is where the disagreements start..

My view is head down, work hard for another three or four months and it will be done. Living here isint pleasant as there is dust everywhere. So a few more months to pain. My wife on the other hand believes that life is passing her by and that we should do less work but spread it out over three of four years.

I get very anxious and stressed about how much there is to do. So much that I want to prioritise work on say going on holiday or going out. I'm not saying never take a break, but sacrifice needs to be made.

I think we both know it was more work than we ever imagined. But we made a joint decision to buy it, so I feel we both need to accept digging ourselfs out. She has started just going off and doing her own thing and says she will live her life without me. I stay and do the work.... but I've grown resentful.

AIBU..its driving us apart. I'm not saying she doesnt chip in, she does. We just have a fundamental difference in approach. Aside from getting trades in (which we do when we have the money)... what can I do....

[LouiseTrees]

I would stop it until the new year and go places with her. Then say you’ll work new year to Easter (when it’s cold and rubbish anyway) and just get out the way. Compromise.

[Viletta]

Have a break from it all, you probably need it as well to get less fixed on the house. Then find talk and find a compromise.

[RaininSummer]

Take a break and have some days out with your wife whilst the weather is OK. You have the grim months coming for DIY.

[Lillygolightly]

I totally understand your predicament but the key here is to compromise. Neither of you are wrong in your approach to the situation so you both just need to give a little and find some middle ground.

I’m currently in the process of doing my own house up, DH and I both knew there would be work involved when we purchased it. That being said lockdown delayed a lot of plans and family illnesses and deaths have made it more stressful than we anticipated. At the end of the day though it is just a house, and do I want to sacrifice my relationship and my family for the sake of a nicely decorated house? No I don’t, I would feel pretty empty and very upset rattling around in an all be it lovely house but not having my family together.

In our situation we are both eager to get to the finish line BUT I can’t go at it as hard as he can, as I have 3 children that still need my time care and attention. We get into disagreements sometimes as we don’t always want to or can’t work at the same pace as I’ll need a day or two break and he will want to plough right on or vice versa. It’s hard but we have to accepting of each other’s limitations with things and understand that whether I want to work at it 5 days a week and he wants to work at it 7 that at the end of the day looking at the bigger picture we are BOTH working towards the same goal and that’s what’s important.

If you and your wife ultimately have the same goal start from there and find where you can honestly and fairly meet in the middle.

[NorthOfTheRiver]

Interesting views. I do wonder.... we are both very stubborn so I guess that ability to meet in the middle is hard.

We have no kids, just approaching late thirties. But we have no sex life either. Havent really had sex for a couple of years. It's hard to unpick whether the house is a cause or not. I wonder a a actually whether its a distraction from not having to discuss 'us'... You're right though... whats the point of having a lovely house but not being together.

[LouiseTrees]

Also based on that description... maybe she wants kids now or to live it up with friends before they have kids.

[NorthOfTheRiver]

Most of her friends are same age / older and have no kids. She told me a while back she wasnt sure she wanted kids but now she does. I've worked so hard that I've been pushed to the point of it started to affect me mentally and physically. I would have thought that at that point someone who loves you would have rallied round but it feels like she feels the one that's hard done by

[alfrew]

I would feel hard done by in her shoes I'm afraid. The house can be done at any time, the marriage and having children needs attention right now.

No point in having a beautiful home and no one to share it with, which is where this will all end up if you continue with this mindset OP.

[alfrew]

Sounds like your sex life took a hit when you bought this house.

You need a break OP, you really, really do. Mind your marriage.

[LouiseTrees]

@alfrew

I would feel hard done by in her shoes I'm afraid. The house can be done at any time, the marriage and having children needs attention right now.

No point in having a beautiful home and no one to share it with, which is where this will all end up if you continue with this mindset OP.

This.

[picklemewalnuts]

@NorthOfTheRiver

Most of her friends are same age / older and have no kids. She told me a while back she wasnt sure she wanted kids but now she does. I've worked so hard that I've been pushed to the point of it started to affect me mentally and physically. I would have thought that at that point someone who loves you would have rallied round but it feels like she feels the one that's hard done by

She may think if you love her you'll listen to what she wants.

You both get to play that card. You need to sit down- preferably away from the house- and plot out a compromise. What does she want to do instead, what would you like to do if it weren't for the house.

It's honestly worth taking a break, prioritising each other, and then coming back to the house.

At the moment you are putting the house before her.

[picklemewalnuts]

A compromise would be 'let's enjoy the summer then get back to it in the autumn', or 'let's clean everything up and make it safe, then have fun until the new year'.

[Shizzlestix]

Spend time on your relationship or you’re going to end up in a lovely house alone or having to sell when you split up.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Why has your sex life declined?

[KatherineofTarragon]

Op, personally i think the whole sex thing is a different issue.

If it were me i would want my house done before introducing children into the equation.

I have renovated 2 houses ( with a very uninterested DP ( my second marriage). I was effectively
left to oversee and manually help
in the restoration of 2 properties alone and it made me despise my DH. ( my DH had no diy skills). It is back braking work , i understand your exhaustion. I found it hard damn work especially when you are working as well and looking after young children, in my case. . Overseeing tradesmen and doing work yourself is unbelievably hard. The mental and physical load i had to carry, with the children , the bills and then the house renovation was intolerable at times. My (now ex DH ) was like a third child in my eyes.

I personally feel your house should be up an running before children arrive into the equation. You both purchased this house knowing the work that needed doing.

Your DW does not want kids then she does. She has lost interest in renovation and you have no intimacy. I would look at any underlying issues affecting your DW and your relationship and can they be resolved?

If not, i would probably be inclined to finish the house, sell up and move on , on your own at this point. It does not look like you and your DW are compatible. Your DW does not know if she wants DC's or not, you have no intimacy in your relationship and your DW has lost interest in house renovations and no energy , leaving it all on you. Having solely undertaken house renovations alone myself,i understand the sheer and utter stress you are under.

Your relationship is not working for what ever reason. The burden of the house renovations have now been placed on you and there is no intimacy.

I would end this relationship now before children are involved.

Children place a huge strain on a relationship and if your DW is struggling with the responsibility of a house renovation , needs a break , wants down time, and the inconvenience to life that house renovation causes, i would consider that when moving forward.

I do wonder how the bomb that is a child will impact on your relationship and day to day freedoms you presently enjoy. Children cannot be switched on or off, When they are here they are here and cannot be postponed or put on hold.

I would be fuming with someone who committed to undertake the financial liability that is house renovation with me , then lost interest. I would absolutely not have any plans to have children with a person who did this.

I would be looking to rebuild a new life with someone else.