Trigger- I think he might have raped me

[Babynumber2dueNov]

Hi.

So this happened about 14 years ago, and until recently I had only had positive memories of a short relationship. He has a kind guy, had a very difficult childhood, but worshiped me- which ultimately is why it didn’t work. I was on a pedestal and I couldn’t hack it.
Anyway, when we were just getting to know each other, we were in bed, doing stuff but I kept saying I don’t want to have sex, I didn’t want to until I was serious about someone. He knew this, had known it from the start. I was literally LITERALLY saying no, come on, I don’t want to and he did anyway. Then I just laid there and after he got really upset and said we should have waited and it wasn’t as good as he wanted it to be etc. No sorry. At the time I just said ‘well I didn’t want to and I DID SAY!’, I didn’t see him again after that really, except for him occasionally turning up offering me the world.
Since lock down I’ve just been swilling it around in my mind and had to get it out. I’ve never really spoken about it and it’s pretty intense. I felt in lock down I wanted to message him and be like wtaf, are you aware you did this? But I obviously haven’t. I’m not sure how to move forward tbh. I’m married with children now and am quite content in my little life. I just wish I could make him see what he did, and to make sure he doesn’t do it again. At the time I just felt pissed off but now I don’t know how I feel.

[Lovemusic33]

You said no and he took no notice so yes it’s rape 😢

Have been in a similar situation with someone very similar (bad childhood, totally showered me with love), at the end of the day “no” means “no”.

[rvby]

Yes, that's rape. Love to you. Its horrible to have these memories.

If I may speak of my own experience, i found myself very confused after I was raped, because we get taught as kids that rapists are violent, evil terrorists and that rape is always a terrifying experience in which you fear for your life.

Whereas in reality it can be so mundane, pathetic even.

Even the most violent/cut and dried rape I experienced left me feeling resentful, if that makes sense - I looked at my rapist as he was doing it and thought, God, you absolutely pathetic twat, how stupid and selfish can you be, etc. I was never really afraid, more furious with him for how pathetic he was, for letting me down and showing how low and vile he was. The cherry on top was him finishing inside me when I begged him not to. I have never felt such contempt for anyone, before or since.

Years later I moved into a phase of grief and sadness for myself. For a good 10+ years, though, I just thought of the experience with anger.

As regards contacting him - I can imagine feeling an urge to do the same. Its a hard one. You never know how it will turn out, that kind of confrontation. No advice there, but a lot of empathy, I get where you're coming from.

[Virgo1958]

This is awful for you. Can you get some professional help? Are there any rape survivor organisations in your area you could contact? or some counselling. Could you confide in your GP so they could signpost you to support?

[Emmelina]

It was rape lovely, I’m sorry. You said you didn’t want to, he did anyway. Just because you didn’t fight him off doesn’t mean you consented.
Please contact a rape survivors helpline, it may help you move past this

[flatulencebythebucket]

Yes it's rape.

[Lovemusic33]

Make sure you talk to someone, rape crisis are a great support. I reported my rapist, he was my partner and at the time I knew what he had done but stupidly forgave him, he repeated the act less then a week later and yet again I did not kick him out, it was months later that I came to my senses and chucked him out of my home, I spoke to rape crisis and the police (originally not for the rape but it lead to reporting him). This was just 4 years ago and I like to think I’m over it but it haunts me a lot and occasionally hits me like ton of bricks .

[Babynumber2dueNov]

Thank you all so much. It’s so weird seeing it all confirmed. Sat here in tears. It’s so strange, because I do genuinely think he was a good hearted guy, he just didn’t understand or bother to listen, he was thinking about what he wanted and want would satisfy him not me. But then again, he fucking raped me so he’s obviously not a good guy. God it’s so weird. Oddly I don’t think I could confront him as I wouldn’t want HIM to feel bad. Clearly I do need therapy. I’ve had support before about being too empathetic and feeling guilt for situations that I have no responsibility over- I guess like this. Blimey. I feel a bit sick now.

[ALLIS0N]

It’s normal to feel a bit sick and shocked. Please do as PP said and get some counselling.

Please DONT contact him in any way. It’s not going to help you at all. He will just call you crazy or tell you that what you remembered didn’t happen. Or even get aggressive and angry.

You know he raped you and he knows he raped you.Its not that he doesn’t know - he knew it was rape at the time , he just didn't care.

It’s not like he’s going to admit it and apologise. He didn’t care then and he sure as hell won’t care now.

You need to find your own healing for this.

[ALLIS0N]

It’s also normal for victims of rape or sexual assault to think its their own fault in some way. Not because we are crazy - but because we have spent our whole lives being fed rape myths by society.

You didn’t say no firmly enough
You had been drinking
He had been drinking
You led him on
Men can’t stop once they get past a certain point
You’d had sex with him before
You’d had sex with other men before
If it was rape then you’d have injuries
He misunderstood you
It’s only rape if it’s with a stranger at knifepoint in a dark alley
It’s not rape if he was your partner
It’s a woman’s job to control her mans sexuality
It’s a woman’s job to meet her mans needs
It’s not rape if he gets upset afterwards
It’s not rape if he said sorry
It’s not rape if you had consensual sex with him afterwards

[namechange12a]

OP the majority of rapes are done by someone the survivor knows. The majority of rapes are not violent or particularly aggressive and it's common to freeze when being attacked.

You might find Survivor's Trust helpful. They have a free helpline where you can discuss the situation with someone and they can guide you towards appropriate support.

08088 010 818
Opening hours:
Mon - Fri 10am – 8:30pm
Sat 10am – 12:30pm, 1:30pm – 4:30pm and 6pm – 8:30pm
Sun 1:30pm – 4:30pm and 6pm – 8:30pm

[UseItUp]

Sorry you had that experience OP. I think it’s up to you to decide if you want to contact him or not – but of course be prepared that you cannot predict how that person might react. You are also able to report this to the police if you want, and again that is your choice and your decision to make.

I think as someone else said above, the word rape is so loaded with connotation and a certain image of what that means, when the reality can be a whole load of different things and not necessarily that ‘dramatic’ encounter.

You are entitled to your own feelings about what happened and there’s no particular way you ‘should’ or have to feel.