Reading several threads on here recently has reminded me about some (to me) weird behaviour by an ex that has stuck in my head.
If I wasn't interested in having sex with him, he would act a bit huffy and annoyed, but most importantly, he would on occasion go and masturbate and in retrospect make it obvious he was doing so.
One occasion that sticks on my head was when we went on a break to a nice place, we had had sex at one point but later I think.i wasn't up for it and he made it clear he was going to masturbate (quite huffily to my memory) and he then did so in bathroom, with the door open I think. I remember being able to hear him and feeling uncomfortable and bemused (because no man I'd ever been in a relationship with had five anything like that ... They wouldn't almost announce they were going fir a wank and they would do it discretely/privately if they were).
Lots of other issues emerged in the relationship and it over those, but I've thought about this is increasingly every time I see a threads with sexual coercion on here and wonder; is that what that was.
Was it a weird type of (attempted) sexual coercion, and when I didn't say "oh dont go and wank, we'll do ABC" or not say anything but show myself to be up for it, he chose to do this weird passive aggressive thing of making it obvious he was wanking or wanting me to hear it?
It's hard to describe, it was almost like "fuck you" wanking 
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Relationships
Sexual Coercion - perspective please
GilbertMarkham · 14/08/2020 08:46
Weird and passive aggressive. I suppose it could be seen as coercive but my ex was much more overt. He'd grab and paw me. Tell me my body was "half his anyway". Be angry and aggressive for long periods of time. Tell me we weren't meeting the national average of how many times! Call me a nun and frigid and tell me to see a sex therapist. And... In the end... Turned out he was screwing prostitutes in our house. Nice guy 
Glad we're not with our exes now op!
Mine was nowhere near as extreme as the above, but he would get huffy and annoyed if I didn't want to have sex. He would mention our sex life had dwindled (which it had to be fair) and he says a couple if times that "he'd wondered how a thirty something girl could fancy a forty something man and this confirmed it". He apparently didn't wonder that when he was chasing me and asking me out 
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But the huffy, passive aggressive wanking thing was .. weird. It made me uncomfortable at the time, and I've thought about it as possibly coercive since then.
I had one very similar to this. He said 'Oh WHEN are we going to have sex.' I was actually slightly assertive and said 'when I want to, and not before.' He said 'I should hope so.'
So, not only was I expected to have sex when he wanted regardless of whether I wanted it or not, I was also expected to be in the mood whenever he wanted.
After this exchange he lay and had a wank next to me.
Then he left, after telling our friend I was 'a tease.' He was an older guy but even so, how dated is that comment?
Anything that makes you feel pressured to have sex is sexual coercion. The storming around and the wanking, the comments.
Weird and passive aggressive. I suppose it could be seen as coercive
It is coercive.
He'd grab and paw me. Tell me my body was "half his anyway". Be angry and aggressive for long periods of time. Tell me we weren't meeting the national average of how many times! Call me a nun and frigid and tell me to see a sex therapist
The comments and pointed display of moods are coercion. The pawing on top of it is also sexual assault. That doesn't mean OP's experience isn't sexual coercion. It is.
Ironically the man I'm referring to above referred to prostitution as "paid rape" .. which I agree with.
Some men pretend to be 'woke' to try and impress women/ get away with things by having a front of being that way.
I've had to go into therapy and one incident is particularly disturbing to me. I've mentioned it on here before but I won't stop mentioning it when it's relevant, it was so awful. 
I was trying to talk to him about something deep but cheerful, as a friend (which we supposedly were- friends with benefits.) I finish a sentence and he quickly went 'that's good now s my c.'
It was so rude- and yet I did it, when I didn't want to at all, I was wanting to chat. What profoundly disturbs me is that I did it, even though he'd been so disrespectful. It was like the nature of the relationship was such that he had complete control over my actions. I think it can be hard to get across to people how awful it is. It literally makes me sick. Thinking about it, I suppose because it was sexual assault. I didn't want to do the thing at all, and he could talk to me that way and I didn't tell him to fuck off, because I was so scared off losing the 'friendship.' He had manipulated me into such a state of lack of agency that I did that to someone who had spoken to me that way.
It's just dawned on me that him doing that probably means he knew I would do it, too. If he thought it would lead to any other outcome, he probably wouldn't have said it. 
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Anyway, sorry I whittered on in your thread @GilbertMarkham . It won't happen again. I suppose part of what I'm saying is that this pressure etc and our responses to it can be very damaging.
How do you feel after realizing this?
Another ex I recently realized was abusive in a lot of ways. Realizing it actually made me feel better, as it kind of made sense of how difficult the breakup was, because that was when he did most of the verbal/emotional abuse. Before, I didn't know why it effected me so much.
Anyway, sorry I whittered on in your thread
Whitter away 
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It's interesting you experienced the "passive aggressive" wanking thing too.
I'm not quite sure what the psychology of behind it .. is it "look at what i'm having to do because you won't have sex" or "you may not want to have sex but I'll make you aware of this/experience this whether you want to or not", I just don't know.
There is def a fuck you element to it.
I mean, unless you specifically choose to do mutual masturbation or one person chooses to "masturbate" the other; it's not something you do in someone presence, you do it privately. It's inappropriate.
My ex would nag and nag and call me a disgusting, ugly bitch
So that was going to make you likely to want to have sex then or in the future?
And chauvinist men think they're more logical than women.
I would throw a bucket of cold water over him when he goes to "relieve himself" in the bathroom with the door open.
I should have.
He was a genuinely abusive twat.
@Doyoumind It certainly sounds like it. Glad you're free. 
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There is a balance in it. I would openly say i probably huffed a bit if the ex said no, and would deal with myself discreetly downstairs in a locked bathroom!
The reason being is sleeping in a bed with her with the wrong 'brain' being alert meant I wouldnt sleep!
Tbh, i hadnt even considered her view might be similar to pp. I now wonder if she knew....
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