Has anyone ever ‘got the magic back?’

[tenthavenue]

Has anyone ever done it? It’s seeming increasingly unlikely...

[BudeBude]

Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee?

I think we need a bit more info

[ravenmum]

Have a listen to some Esther Perel, she is the only person I've ever heard making it sound as if some people might manage it. (At least, with some of the couples she talks to, you get the impression they might.)

Depends on whether your partner is at all motivated, or is, for example, already moving on to his or her next relationship, either mentally or actually.

[tenthavenue]

together 15 years, 2 kids... have had sex twice in the last year! he has agreed to counselling, i know he'd like it to 'work' as much as I but there is no spark.

[ravenmum]

Are you pissed off with each other in some way, or is it "just" a lack of attraction? Do you theoretically have the time and energy or is your life knackering right now?

[tenthavenue]

we are fairly constantly pissed off with each other tbh. also he takes a medication which makes it difficult for him to come and so we can never have a quickie, plus i feel like i don't turn him on enough. its a mess. I think because we never have sex we never have that 'reset' of closeness etc :(

[Lineofconcepcion]

Yes Op I know that one, no sex equals lack of intimacy in all parts of the relationship. I had more sex when I was single.

[ravenmum]

Are you pissed off for other reasons or is it all basically down to the lack of sex?

Any chance of the medication being changed? Has he asked his GP?
Is he open to other kinds of sex / erotic moments / toys or whatever? Can you talk about it?
Both wanting counselling is good if you both really mean it.

[Pacif1cDogwood]

Ok, terrible generalisation coming up:

Men need sex to feel close.
Women need closeness to want sex.

My marriage failed due to dysfunctional communication (and his cheating...). We'd lived sexless for a number of years, but the issue was low level resentment combined with the inability to actually talk about it.

I think your only hope is counselling IF he is prepared to engage with it - just going to the sessions without opening up is useless.

There's also a technique to open up clogged up channels of communication: every week set aside half an hour in which you both are undisturbed and not distracted (switch phones off, have children entertained otherwise, no TV etc). Each of you gets 15 minutes to say out loud what is on their mind, important and unimportant stuff, stuff at work, at home, with the neighbours, oh, the garage needs tidying, anything at all WHILE THE OTHER PERSON DOES NOT INTERRUPT OR COMMENT. After 15 minutes, it's the other person's turn. You can then agree to have another period to time to discuss together anything that came up in that half hour. You can also extend it to 2x15 min or whatever.
The vital thing is a. Opening up and b. Not interrupting.

[tenthavenue]

Thanks Pacific that sounds like a good idea. also a few people have mentioned Date Night.. i think we should try that.. (we've never done date night.) he is open to counselling. he has said so. i know he would go into it in good faith. he's even suggested sex counselling. we have a good social life together, he's a really good father. On the bad side we are constantly rude to each other. we totally take each other for granted. we dont make each other cups of tea or any little nice things like that. if we could sort the sex thing out maybe we could stay together forever... it seems pretty bleak tho.

[Flamingnora123]

Yeah I think we're doing it. We had a really shit time a couple of years ago due to resentment, lack of sleep, difficult baby etc etc. We barely had sex for 2 years, maybe 5 times in total. I got fine about no sex, and even now we're best mates and I do really fancy him but I just can't be arsed. We're working on that, but we definitely got the friendship, fun, support and fancying back (I did not fancy him at all when it was bad, I'm sure he felt the same) so just wanted to say there is hope! I think we became more empathetic towards each other and I made a conscious decision to appreciate what he does do and not focus on the things that annoy me.

[ravenmum]

Are you in a bit of a stand-off re the bad behaviour, both saying "Well s/he does it too, so why shouldn't I?"
If you pull him up on his rudeness, when he does it, maybe you would then feel hypocritical if you do it, so it might encourage you to be more respectful too?

[ISBN111]

I say definitely you can get some magic back.maybe not the same as when you first got together, but at least to be able to look at each other and feel warmth.
Look at non-violent communication.
Make him a cup of tea! Be prepared to set aside resentments for long enough to connect with each other over even a very small thing.

Good luck!

[tenthavenue]

FlamingNora thats great!
I have to work on being less rude to him and doing nice things for him. I do try! I think we need to sort out the sex. Any more successful magic-back-getters let me know your secrets!!!

[user1481840227]

I think it's really rare that people can get it back, but if you're both willing to try then you're probably one of the small few that have a chance of getting it back.
I read before that one of the best things to try to get the spark back is to try some new experiences together to release adrenaline...so something like going on rollercoasters at a theme park or abseiling or so on releases adrenaline in the body, if you do the activity together it helps to make you bond over it and kind of mimics the bodies reaction to each other if you were in a newer relationship. I think that's the jist of it anyway.

[Pasghetti]

Yes, you can but it requires really honest communication and motivation from both sides.

[tenthavenue]

Any other sucsess stories?

[JudyGemstone]

If said medication is an antidepressant would he consider withdrawing from this and trying a talking therapy for his depression instead?

[parrotonmyshoulder]

We are managing it, I think, six months after I said I was ending the relationship (25 years, our whole adult lives).
It wasn’t an empty threat, I had solicitor lined up and a plan to move. But he acted immediately, started his own counselling, began to show understanding and a willingness to accept and validate feelings. Mine, his and the DCs.
I’m probably ready to try some joint counselling now as our communication still needs work. But he is a lot further ‘behind’ me in counselling so probably not ready yet.
It takes work. But we thought the work was going to be worth it and it is proving so.
Good luck.

[TheStoic]

Most people don’t know what they’ve got til it’s gone.

You can’t control his thoughts or feelings, but perhaps try imagining him with someone else. What do you feel? Jealousy, or relief?

[tenthavenue]

Parrot, I’m so happy for you. Sounds like it’s early days yet. I wish you continued progress. When things were really bad were you still having sex or no? I really do fear this is going to be the thing that makes it all fall apart.
TheStoic I think I’d hate to see him with anyone else. Sometimes when he’s been particularly rude I just think if we break up and he inevitably gets a new partner she will have exactly the same experience. And thus I’ll just feel sorry for her.

[ChelseaFelix]

^^we dont make each other cups of tea or any little nice things like that

Maybe you should go make him one now. Tell him when you hand it to him you owe me one later, see if he makes you one in return.

[ISBN111]

I’m not sure i agree, Chelsea, I think an act of kindness with no strings attached is more powerful than saying ‘you owe me’ in breaking out of a rut.

[BubblyBarbara]

Men need sex to feel close. Women need closeness to want sex.

This catch 22 is why alcohol can be so important in getting many relationships (re)started. Get drunk and have a roll in the hay.

[babasaclover]

@BubblyBarbara love that and so true!