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My parents. Is it me?(10 Posts)
Right before lockdown, my partner ended our 5 year relationship. We had had 2 miscarriages end of last year which broke me. Anyway..., he moved out about a week after announcing he wanted to end it (not heard from him since) and I had my work cut to two days a week the following week. I’ve been screened for potential cancerous lump two months ago (all ok now) and obviously have been in lockdown alone. It has been an awful time financially and emotionally. I’m ashamed to say at one point I nearly took my life and parents knew this which must have been awful for them. I’m ok now I think but often feel low.
I live around an hour from my parents, both 61. They have sent me money to support me now and then which obviously I am grateful for! But at my absolute lowest, I was being called by my mum daily, and I would often ask if she would visit, even if one day a week, to provide some sort of comfort I guess. I’m 35 so not a baby...I just found the working from home so so hard and my world was crashing down around me. Every time I asked she said she was busy. I could hear my dad in the background saying they couldn’t drive all the way over there it was too far and they had things to do etc. They work one day a week each so they have spare time.
I found out last week that they had been to where I live to go to one of the larger shopping centres. They hadn’t mentioned it or thought to come over. They have also spent nearly every weekend in their holiday home in wales... about a five hour drive from their home.
I feel like they don’t give a shit and it’s made me fall out with my mum in particular massively. I just needed her here now and then. I even asked if we could arrange once a week having a day together and that wasn’t possible as she was too tired, too far to go, too expensive, too much at her age, she had to be back to see my dad by x time.. list goes on. It becomes pointless asking.
It’s brought back horrible memories from childhood when I felt left. But as an adult am I being unfair here? I’m 35 after all, time to grow up as my dad says! I just feel so broken that she can hear how desperate I have been and still not bothered to show me much care other than texts and calls when she feels like it. I feel guilty as I don’t want to resent them but I do. Time for me to get a grip? Please don’t hold back if I sound like the brat of the century.
You're not a brat at all. You have had a really shit time and I'm sorry you feel so low. Anyone would under those circumstances.
As for your parents they are shit. No matter your age if they loved you they would want to support you through this tough time. The only advice I can offer is to stop trying to make them something they're not (i.e. loving and kind). They won't change and you will only hurt yourself over and over by asking to see them. Their excuses tell them everything you need to know.
I hope you have some other support - siblings, friends?
My gosh, what a horrendous time you have had. There is nothing wrong with needing support, at any age. It doesn't sound like you're expecting too much from them at all. It hurts, it really bloody hurts, when you need things from your parents and they cant or wont give it to you. It sounds like you are not a priority for them at all and that must be so painful.
Wow - I think I read your mums version the other day on here.
As a mum to a DD, I would be there at every opportunity I could to help support my DD.
She was and always will be, my number one priority.
If possible, I would have her at home for a while to be able to keep an eye on her and support her where I can.
But... please don't just blame your mum here. Your dad is just as bad.
Have you had outside support at all?
Are you on any medication?
Do you have any friends you could reach out to.
I was going to say, the mums version was on here earlier.
so you and your mum are both in here giving both sides?
I'll bite seeing as though I have read the other side to this story,
why didn't you drive over to your parents? If it was too much for them why didn't you go over there? Don't both your parents work too?
My MIL used to find the whole idea of driving for 1 hour on the most straight forward motorway route the most stressful thing ever, to us it is a breeze.
Pressed too soon. Have you thought about counselling to talk through everything you went through recently plus how you felt about your childhood?
@Isthismea Hi OP. Hope you're still here and things are getting better. I just wanted to say that adults need help all the time, particularly from their parents. This seems to be an incredibly hard time for you, and I'm sorry you have a bit of a lacklustre support network. But please understand, their decisions are only theirs - I can't imagine ever letting a child of mine be this hurt and not be there to support them, so the fact that they can't for whatever reason is on them. Honestly, I could say any number of things like "you're never alone" but sometimes you are alone but that doesn't negate your ability to cope. You've demonstrated such extreme willpower in pushing through all of this, and at some point the dust will clear and things will be good again. I'm not sure if I can help in any way but please let me know if I can. x
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