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Help me understand...mother(4 Posts)
Help me understand my mother please. We've always had a bad relationship. I've never felt she praised me or really helped me. We are very middle class, my mother aspiring to always be upper middle, desperate about what her friends thought of her and her children. I've always struggled, not socially adept or successful but out of luck have ended up in a good situation. I think she may now struggle with this because I wasn't the child destined to do ok. However she never stops with the subtle negativity...always texting me asking how I'm coping with this and that - corona, the heat, the rain, etc. Always desperate (I feel) for negativity to feed off. I hate it and as a result keep her at arms length. Is this normal? Who's in the wrong?
This sounds a lot like my mother !
Despite her negativity I realised as a child that others mothers were not like her and I have done well socially and academically despite her.
My advice would to always put a positive spin on her negativity, don't feed her appetite.
Keep any info you give her limited and to the point and always positive.
I have kept her at arms length over the years and this works well for me, as I find spending more than a few hours with her toxic and mildly depressing.
There's a lot she doesn't know about me, my DH and my DC because I simply can't be doing with her attitude.
It's a matter of self protection. Good luck.
It's nice in a way to know I'm not the only one (although I'm sorry you have this too). Thank you yes I try and just reply cheerily but it's hard work all the time making sure I don't slip up and give her anything negative to feed off! She will do her best to weave some negativity in to any situation. It's just so tiring and like you say it's self protection and too much time in her company makes me feel depressed too. I'd hate if my own child felt like that why do they do it?? :-(
Look up The grey rock form of communication as that may give you some respite from the negativity.
Also check out the scapegoat within family dynamics.
Plus, you may never understand her. I can not fathom how my mother treated me. I just know she did and knows that she will never change or acknowledge or apologise.
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