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Should a relationship have secrets ?

(28 Posts)
user2156 Thu 13-Aug-20 13:03:52

DH and I have been together 30 years married 26 have had our ups and downs like most. I thought we were happy. Today I discover he has been keeping something from me says he is allowed secrets also long as it doesn’t affect us. I don’t agree with is.
Looking for anyone’s else thoughts on this thanks

OP’s posts: |
NotJust3SmallWords Thu 13-Aug-20 13:09:42

Entirely depends what it is in my opinion. If it's something that does genuinely only affect him then I think that's probably fine. I don't tell my husband everything and wouldn't expect him to tell me everything either. As I said though, completely depends on what the secret is.

Regularsizedrudy Thu 13-Aug-20 13:20:19

Obviously it depends on the secret... confused
he’s been dying his hair for the past 30 years and is not actually a natural blonde - fine
He’s murdered 15 people - not fine.

Hidingtonothing Thu 13-Aug-20 13:27:42

It does depend entirely on the secret and whether it truly does only affect him OP so I'm sorry I can't give a definitive answer. If the situation was reversed and he had found out you'd been keeping the exact same secret how would he have reacted do you think?

Mintjulia Thu 13-Aug-20 13:31:24

@regularsizedrudy. grin

Sounds reasonable

TimelyManor Thu 13-Aug-20 13:33:40

I would say it depends what the rest of your relationship is like.

My ex was very secretive over our whole relationship but he was abusive.

Sofasogood1 Thu 13-Aug-20 13:34:37

Everyone has secrets. Depends what it is

AriettyHomily Thu 13-Aug-20 13:35:52

Entirely depends on what it is.

RaspberryToupee Thu 13-Aug-20 13:36:09

I think as a general rule, if it’s a secret about the person, they should share it with their partner. If it’s a secret about someone else, it’s not mandatory to share the secret. However, if the secret plays on you, you should share with your partner to help you with that.

BiarritzCrackers Thu 13-Aug-20 13:38:14

I think if it doesn't affect the other party, and isn't the sort of thing that might change the way you view someone, I don't see why people can't have some secrets. It doesn't make the relationship less meaningful to not expose every single part of yourself. I probably didn't used to think that when I was younger, though - has much more of a 'soulmates' idea of relationships.

It's quite irritating when you tell a friend something, which they then repeat to their partner as 'we don't have secrets'!

4amWitchingHour Thu 13-Aug-20 13:39:20

You should definitely be able to have privacy within a relationship. If it really is something that just affects him there's no reason you should know it - you don't have a right to know everything.

Drinkingallthewine Thu 13-Aug-20 13:41:34

It's quite irritating when you tell a friend something, which they then repeat to their partner as 'we don't have secrets'!

That boils my piss. Don't have secrets with your spouse, fine. Sharing other people's secrets with your spouse, NOT fine.

OP depends on the secret. And potentially the reason why he kept the secret too.

user2156 Thu 13-Aug-20 13:42:41

Thanks for everyone replies does put somethings into prospect.
Agree with this !!!

OP’s posts: |
moomoomummy Thu 13-Aug-20 13:45:22

Do you mean that you tell your husband everything ? If a friend confides in you , you would automatically tell your husband? I have a good relationship with my husband. However I am also a good friend and carry secrets that I have been told in confidence. I would never dream of telling him. We have also never shared details of past relationships. It's none of my business and not relevant to our marriage. I feel v strongly about this. Different matter if the secret affects your relationship and means lies have been told

Sofasogood1 Thu 13-Aug-20 13:48:49

So you're husband has murdered 15 people? Yeah not cool

Sakurami Thu 13-Aug-20 13:51:12

I think everyone is allowed some privacy as long as it doesn't affect your relationship. There's something I did as a teenager that I wouldn't tell anyone and I am an open book. I'm embarrassed by it still.

Sakurami Thu 13-Aug-20 13:51:51

Yes and other people's secrets shouldn't be shared between spouses

user2156 Thu 13-Aug-20 14:11:12

It’s not about someone else.
It’s to do with him - and he didn’t murder anyone ! Something he did when I found the letter he lied about what it was.

OP’s posts: |
herecomestreble Thu 13-Aug-20 14:19:07

To be honest I think everyone has secrets, big or small. But you say he lied, that's completely different. Lying I couldn't take.

SleepingStandingUp Thu 13-Aug-20 14:25:00

Something he did when I found the letter he lied about what it was.
We're you together when the thing happened? Ie money issues, affair
Does it have ramifications for you or a 32 year old child?
Is it something is reasonable to be embarrassed about? Ie snogged his mates gf before you met
Is it also someone else's secret? Ie he and mate did something stupid

I don't expect an answer but the"should we divulge every aspect of it entire lives" is a no with caveats

HijabiVenus Thu 13-Aug-20 14:29:21


So you're husband has murdered 15 people? Yeah not cool

It depends who these 15 are.

updownroundandround Thu 13-Aug-20 15:21:10

Secret plans to celebrate a birthday ? Yes
Secret about what you've been bought for Xmas ? Yes
Secret arrangements for surprise anniversary holiday ? Yes

Secret friends ? No
Secret assignations ? No
Secret debts ? No

Totally depends what, doesn't it ?

canigooutyet Thu 13-Aug-20 15:25:19

Depends on what the letter was about.

Everyone has secrets. There will be things about you that you're husband doesn't know.

BlingLoving Thu 13-Aug-20 15:51:44

Yup, it's all about context. And whether whatever the secret is affects you. That could be directly or indirectly eg if it's massive debt, that directly affects you, but if he had a secret child before you were married who he has been keeping secret for the last 30 years, that doesn't affect you directly but does genuinely have the potential to have a massive impact on how you view him and how you feel when looking back at decisions/conversations etc you had. Another example along these lines would be if he's secretly been a member of the KKK all these years.

But if it's about something that happened to him. Or something he's been keeping secret for someone else, that's different and I'd be likely to cut him more slack.

OhioOhioOhio Thu 13-Aug-20 15:53:23

Totally depends on the context.

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