Would this annoy you (porn-related)?

[MaybeTheFinalStraw]

Name changed for this one.


DP and I have been together 15 years, one child, lots of relationship ups and downs but something that has kept us both here.

He is in his early 30s and has a few mates (some older, some the same age) that are largely single and joke around about porn - basically sending videos to each other on a WhatsApp group that are ‘funny’ because they are in some way semi-grotesque (think woman pinging Ping Pong balls out her of vagina kind of thing). To my knowledge because of his version of events, he doesn’t share any of these videos/pictures and has been quite objective and critical of it - although I’ve always been quite sure he does watch a bit of porn, he’s been quite disparaging about his mates’ fixation with this kind of thing and some of the stuff he is sent. He’s made out he’s ‘not that kind of guy’ and I believed him.

Yesterday morning I saw his phone left on the coffee table overnight. I don’t think I’ve checked his phone for about 8 years (there is some history of inappropriate behaviour) but for whatever reason, I had a nudge to check it. I looked at his search history and saw loads of searches for ‘latex angel’ and a video on a website that had been looked at, as well as some gay porn searches but no videos. This occurred yesterday morning while I was working from home and presumably when he nipped to a friend’s who happens to live down the road or possibly in the half hour before he left the house (the only times he wasn’t with me). I confronted him immediately and he made out his friend had used his phone without his consent then his story gradually changed to ‘it’s banter and laughs amongst the lads’, says most men do it and it’s none of my business. He then spent all day badgering me to have sex because I was wearing a bikini (it was very hot) and couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel up for it and was giving him the cold shoulder.

He’s now trying to turn this around on me and saying I’m being over sensitive. I have said that I don’t like the deceit rather than being worried about him looking at porn - the way he pretended to not partake in that behaviour and actually, he does. Probably frequently because I doubt yesterday was an irregularity. I feel like he has presented one version of himself to me and reserved another for his friends, which I have seen plenty of men do to women over the years. He is usually very open with me about his personality in quite an unusual way, warts and all, but this is making me question how much I maybe don’t know after all?

I’m also appalled that his sense of ‘humour’ is just so basic and juvenile and borderline misogynistic, like all his idiotic friends. You can tell a lot about a person by their friends I guess! Although I still don’t really feel sure of the ‘it’s funny’ narrative because the video I watched from his search history wasn’t ‘funny’ like some people might think a vagina ping pong video is, although I only watched a few seconds.

This feels like the final straw in a long relationship of ups and downs and he is really not that great a partner overall so would appreciate your perspectives on this.

[Shoxfordian]

If he really didn't like the videos his friends were sending then he would have left the whatsapp group. Just seems sleazy and disrespectful to me. If he isn't otherwise a good partner then do you want to stay with him?

[MaybeTheFinalStraw]

Thanks, I feel like it’s sleazy and disrespectful too.

I suppose I should say for context the WhatsApp group isn’t all about porn - it was set up as a biking group but then some of the men send this other stuff. My DP made out he was receiving it all with an eye roll and a boys-will-be-boys attitude.

To be honest I think I’ve stuck with him for the percentage of good times that we have and because we have a child who adores his dad but I’ve brushed a lot of things under the carpet that I’m not happy with. At times it feels like I’m sacrificing my happiness to avoid an argument, to not cause unrest, for peace and harmony and togetherness of the family.

[RedPandaFluff]

I just googled "latex angel" . . . bleurgh

I have mixed feelings on this one. If things were, up to this point, generally good, I think I'd try to get my head round it, talk to him about it and move on. The WhatsApp group could primarily be for the group of friends to keep in touch, and unfortunately (what with some of them being morons) the tone lowers every now and again. Also, whether we like it or not (or know it or not), most men do watch porn sometimes.

The thing is, the relationship hasn't been good overall, by the sounds of it, and you seem incredibly disappointed by him. And in a floundering relationship, this can quickly turn into contempt.

What's your gut feeling? Would you be happier by yourself?

[summersolstice43]

Its a bit concerning to be looking for gay porn while with his friend, is there something going on there?

I know a few lads who do send that kind of thing to each other, in fact a few of my male friend send them to me sometimes for a reaction. Its very childish and quite a laddy thing to do. Seems reasonable that its just lads having a laugh although I'd be concerned about him searching for stuff like that himself.

[Flower8]

Hmmm this is a tricky one, my partners friend's will sometimes send thing's like that in the group chat, he often just rolls his eye's, he's not secretive with it. And i know other men who have similar chat group's, over all doesn't really bother me.

The porn watching however would bother me, as that's seeking to watch it by choice, and the fact that he's told you he doesn't like that sort of thing would really piss me off and make me question his character.

[Hyperfish101]

Porn is one of the most divisive issues in relationships I find. I know some women don’t mind it though. The idea he thought you would be up for sex when you’d found out he’s been looking at porn is just 🙄. Men can be utter dicks about this stuff.

You can’t ban him from looking at it so what do you want to do?

PS- I would be curious about why he’s looked at gay porn though.

[GilbertMarkham]

as well as some gay porn searches

Ime hetero men find (just the idea of) gay porn repulsive and don't go seeking it or watching it.

(It fits with what ive read from sex/porn studies saying that men tend to fit into "channels" in what interests and arouses them, it's very black and white .. whereas women actually respond to a wider and more varied range of stuff).

Do you think your on off, multiple issues over the years could be related to his sexuality, among other things.

[MaybeTheFinalStraw]

Thank you, that’s a really balanced reply! I think you are spot on that I’m disappointed and it’s turning to contempt. It’s almost like it’s opened my eyes wider to other disappointments. My gut feeling says I’ll be happier to be honest, although it will be a huge transition...

[GilbertMarkham]

Latex angel;

"This site is dedicated to extreme brutal anal fisting, pussy fisting and even double fisting ...." .

I watch porn myself but that's the pretty extreme end of things he's into there.

And interesting that it's rather anally fixated.

[MaybeTheFinalStraw]

From what he’s said, the conversation he had at his friends was like a ‘haha this is what you’re into’ kind of thing. I therefore think the gay porn thing is part of the banter - basically saying the other friend is gay (homophobic as well!). But you never know! Having said that, it didn’t look like any gay porn had been viewed, it was just a search.

I told him it’s just really odd behaviour for a Tuesday morning over about 20 minutes. It’s not like they were having a few beers one night.

[GilbertMarkham]

He’s made out he’s ‘not that kind of guy’

Not sure how helpful it is to say at this point but he must definitely is - because most men I've had relationships with watch fairly "vanilla" porn with oral, intercourse (increasingly anal as well in recent years), maybe a threesome or something ... Whereas he's at "extreme, brutal fisting" (!)

[GilbertMarkham]

therefore think the gay porn thing is part of the banter - basically saying the other friend is gay (homophobic as well!). But you never know! Having said that, it didn’t look like any gay porn had been viewed, it was just a search.

Ah, well maybe it's just looking up.a link to send to one of the others guys to take the piss/wind them up .. and there'd no sexuality issue with him.

Though with his tastes, I suppose there is a sexuality issue; just not one around sexual orientation.

[GilbertMarkham]

*there's

[MaybeTheFinalStraw]

Just realised I’ve been replying and not quoting - whoops!

He is obsessed with anal. I’m not into it.

His argument is that the extreme porn is part of the joke about what his friend is into, trying to suggest that his friend is a bit of a freak.

I’m glad I’m seemingly not being over sensitive though. He brought up his old boss’ wife having a laugh about a double fisting video a few years ago, like I’m the problem and have no sense of humour.

[HollowTalk]

Ugh. Honestly, he sounds horrible.

[MaybeTheFinalStraw]

What’s even weirder about this whole thing, although perhaps what inspired the Tuesday morning internet searches, I saw him and the same friend Monday night and somehow and unusually we got into a debate about porn. DP was telling his friend that he (the friend) likes some weird porn and he’s disillusioned about women, that most porn stars don’t even want to do it, that orgasms are faked and reminding him that porn isn’t representative of real sex. Then I come across the internet searches the next morning and thought..who are you.

[MaybeTheFinalStraw]

@HollowTalk

Ugh. Honestly, he sounds horrible.

Think you might be right

[InspectorGoul]

Being the only adult in a marriage wears you down like water on rock.

Leave and have a life free of juvenile themes. You only get one pop at this remember.

[MaybeTheFinalStraw]

@InspectorGoul

Being the only adult in a marriage wears you down like water on rock.

Leave and have a life free of juvenile themes. You only get one pop at this remember.

Ain’t that the truth! Thank you x

[upupandaway87]

Op I have been through this ! His boss made a what's app group especially for all this stuff 🤢 I warned him about 5 times that I didn't like it and he kept saying he had left the group when in fact he just changed his passcode so I couldn't go on his phone . We went out for food and he had been send more videos. When we left I said for him to give me his phone and he wouldn't but I grabbed it and seen some of the degrading stuff they were all laughing and enjoying so I left . Ten years I would of thrown away. He wished up after that left the group and said he didn't want to be apart of it . He said he would never do it again and that was two years ago . If it happens again I would walk for good x

[MaybeTheFinalStraw]

@upupandaway87

Op I have been through this ! His boss made a what's app group especially for all this stuff 🤢 I warned him about 5 times that I didn't like it and he kept saying he had left the group when in fact he just changed his passcode so I couldn't go on his phone . We went out for food and he had been send more videos. When we left I said for him to give me his phone and he wouldn't but I grabbed it and seen some of the degrading stuff they were all laughing and enjoying so I left . Ten years I would of thrown away. He wished up after that left the group and said he didn't want to be apart of it . He said he would never do it again and that was two years ago . If it happens again I would walk for good x

Thank you, good to know I’m far from alone!

I could sort of turn a blind eye when it was sent to him and he appeared to feel a certain way about but feel like I don’t really know him now x

[DonnaQuixote]

Hurting and degrading women is just soooooo funny, isn't it? And if you happen to disagree you are just some uptight, oversensitive prude with no sense of humor. And then people wonder why is there so much domestic violence and rape, how could that not be, if this kind of sh*t is so normalized.

Good for you OP if you LTB, you deserve better.

[year5teacher]

Is it really a normal thing for “lads” (grown men) to send each other porn on WhatsApp? How depressing.
I hate this “oh well boys will be boys” shit, and personally I would find the idea of men sending each other that shit to laugh at so immature and I don’t have a problem with my partner watching porn.

The whole thing sounds immature and unnecessary.

[IveGotFrills]

Did you check anything else on his phone op? Messages etc? And what does his other searches show? Is this an unusual search?

[ExhaustedFlamingo]

I accept I'm in the total minority here, but genuinely wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

There's shame and stigma attached to porn, and bearing in mind how you feel about it, I think it's understandable that he feels embarrassed about you finding out.

From the description above, Latex Angel sounds pretty grim even for someone who's OK with porn. But I think it's entirely plausible that he was looking for images/clips etc to wind up mates. That's entirely separate from the fact he obviously uses porn himself to get his rocks off.

The thing is though, this isn't about what I think or actually what anyone else here thinks. If his behaviour is unacceptable to you, then that's what's important. If you're unhappy about it and the relationship is poor overall - which it sounds like from your comments - then it's time to consider whether it's making you happy.