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Friendships...is it normal to feel this lonely?

(11 Posts)
crossroads1 Thu 13-Aug-20 09:25:59

bit of a strange one here about friendships... so pls bear with me,

im engaged and my other half is the life and soul of any party. He has a lovely family and friends circle and I've been welcomed into it. BUT I feel so insecure. Over the years by circle has slowly diminished and atm I hardly feel like I have any friends.
He says he feels like I am reluctant to socialise with the group and tbh I am. even though its exactly what I want - to be part of a group - I don't want to feel like an outsider and to be included out of pity, they've all known each other for years and I feel like the new kid on the block..

whenever I hear ppl talk about hen parties I cringe because who would attend mine.. my shadow?! I dont feel I can match up and I worry that I will be judged for it. My OH assures me that no one thinks of me this way but why dont I have many of my own friends? Im 32 and during lockdown I have really tried to make an effort talking to ppl, and getting in contact with ppl I lost touch with or even to make new friends when I do my daily walks or take my dog out.

Ydy was a prime example - I came across someone ydy who I started to have chit chat with.. until another woman came along and they completely started to ignore me. I just want meaningful connections but I dont know why I hold myself back when Im given the opportunity... I want to have friends on my own accord but is it too late for me to make any new ones? has anyone else felt lonely due to lack of friendships or felt excluded when they try to make new ones?

OP’s posts: |
Crystalspider Thu 13-Aug-20 09:37:39

I think you're putting yourself under too much pressure and possibly your OH is putting pressure on you too by saying your reluctant to try?
He is the life and soul with plenty of friends but not everyone is naturally like this and it's ok not to be the same, you can't force friendships and the amount of work that has to be put into keeping a large friendship group can be hard work if you don't find it easy.

Sometimes it's quality rather than quantity.

ChelseaCat Thu 13-Aug-20 09:44:38

I’m in a Very similar position to you OP. My husband has loads of friends from school, uni and various jobs. I have quite literally two people that are “my” friends, and even then I’m not very close to them. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have girlfriends who I’d hug, go shopping with, go for a girls drink etc. Even though my husband is wonderful, I often feel extremely lonely

crossroads1 Thu 13-Aug-20 09:54:20

@Crystalspider I do put a lot of pressure on myself but that's because this friendship group is what I've wanted and now that's it here I feel hesitant. He doesn't want me to feel like an outsider and he knows I am very social I can get along with anyone so he means that I shouldnt feel reluctant even though he can sense I am.

@ChelseaCat yes I am exactly the same! I have a few women that are my friends but he has kept has so many friends through so many ppl. OH are great and all but friendship is what I really crave. I didn't even want an engagement party out of fear of who would turn up from my side. the majority of ppl were his. I didn't make many friends at uni and even at work everyone has their little gangs which I dont feel included in. I dont know what I'm doing wrong or why I can't find the ppl to connect? maybe we aren't putting ourselves in the right situations...

OP’s posts: |
ChelseaCat Thu 13-Aug-20 10:07:46

I felt the same about our wedding - I ended up inviting colleagues that I’m not really sure I actually wanted there but felt self conscious about not having anyone. Congratulations on your engagement by the way - such happy news!

I feel like I say stupid things that offend people and don’t have anything interesting to say. I try To be likeable (not TOO hard though!) but it’s so hard. I really want that lovely bubble of friends I can speak to

Anyway, it’s not about me. I guess I’m just here to say that it’s not just you flowers

crossroads1 Thu 13-Aug-20 10:38:13

@ChelseaCat I’m the same, maybe I try too hard but I feel the opportunities to make new friendships aren’t there anymore when you’re an adult. And then I get down on myself wondering why I didn’t make more friends at school /uni. sad

OP’s posts: |
Dennysheart Thu 13-Aug-20 10:41:32

I’ve found making friends in my 30s that bit harder. I have two kids with Sen so making friends with other parents has been tougher. I’d say don’t put pressure on yourself. Once the pressure is off you might find it easier.

formyboys Thu 13-Aug-20 10:51:26

I think the more you accept how you are and how you have been to date the easier you will find the present. I think if you are slightly socially anxious (you sound like you are) then this stuff is hard and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy with behaviour pushing people away because if you're anything like me you're constantly watching others behaviour and sensitive to even the smallest slight. It's worth getting some counselling about this and help to overcome as it will help your relationship and help you with relationships generally. I'm a late starter in they regard and have had to learn to make friends at all sorts of stages of life. I'm not someone who has carried them all with me. And that's probably for the best! I've realised I don't need many people just the ones who make me feel good.

Willowcat77 Thu 13-Aug-20 10:58:55

I'm similar to you, just got married to a popular extrovert with a big, loud family. It was a massive relief that we had to cancel our big wedding party because of the coronavirus rules and just have a mini wedding with 2 witnesses. I had virtually nobody to invite! People always act like I'm either invisible or weird. It's been like this since I was a child. Sometimes it does feel quite lonely but on the other hand I have very intense interests and am quite happy with my own company. My husband and 2 children are enough for me these days and I have given up trying to make friends.

Bunnymumy Thu 13-Aug-20 11:20:44

Is it sad that I was jealous of the friendship group in '13 hrs' yesterday? I mean sure, they're all going to get torn apart by werewolves over the next hour or so but they got to hang out in a barn with a dram and just be together first at least xD.

RaisinGhost Thu 13-Aug-20 14:49:12

I agree with you that it is tough to make friends as an adult. I think one thing you could do is stop comparing yourself to your DP, leave him out of this whole situation. Just because he is a social butterfly doesn't mean you have to be. Not everyone can have hundreds of friends.

Maybe give hanging out with his friend group another try. I know what you mean about not fitting in. I've been in the same situation, but I found one good part of being an outsider is you can dip in and out of the group as needed. If I feel like going, I do. If I don't, I don't and it doesn't matter. Fun with people without the work of maintaining a friendship!

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