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Did you meet someone when you were at your lowest?

(27 Posts)
User18328 Thu 13-Aug-20 09:22:03

I’m so unhappy, largely because I am alone and wish at late thirties I was settled down with a history with someone.

I used to never give up dating, bounce back from loneliness with plans and a busy life. I was always sad about it but I coped fine.

Now though, the sadness is overwhelming. I am now worried that in itself will stop me being attractive to someone?! I’m having therapy etc but basically I am fundamentally different to a few years back. Now I am very very sad I don’t have that family dynamic. I worry I am too old for kids now, worry I am less attractive. List goes on. I do date but my heart is heavy...I know this feeling won’t go unless I meet someone special. I know then I may have a different set of complaints and it’s not plain sailing but the bottom line is that everyday I am sad and anxious m I am alone and will always be alone...that won’t change. Am I doomed anyway now? Has anyone met someone at their lowest? People say you have to be happy to meet someone... though I was for years and never did. Now I am at a point where I am low about the lack of relationship, the yearning will not disappear with travel or friends or anything.

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Chrysanthemum5 Thu 13-Aug-20 09:43:58

Hi
Yes I did. I had just got out of an abusive marriage and was rebuilding my life from rock bottom when I met my now DH. Fortunately DH is a normal person because at that point in my life I didn't have any boundaries so I could easily have gone into another abusive relationship. For me that is why it's important to like yourself first - I know it seems like a cliche but you need to feel like you are worth something or you will settle for anything.

I'm sorry you are finding things tough now. Your late thirties is not too late to have a family (I had my children at 36 and 39)

User18328 Thu 13-Aug-20 09:48:58

Thanks for the reply. I just know that even if I cope the overwhelming sadness is still there. And maybe nobody will want me because of that.

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User18328 Thu 13-Aug-20 12:17:06

Will it get better?

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ThirtyAndASmidgen Thu 13-Aug-20 13:07:17

I still attracted men when I was at my lowest but they were avoidant at best and downright abusive at worst. I used to want to shake people who said you have to be happy in yourself first, so I know how annoying it is to hear that. For me, it wasn’t happy so much as content and accepting - once I reached the stage of genuinely thinking that “I WILL be ok, whether or not I meet someone”, I then met someone lovely. I’d been single for over 3 years.

ThirtyAndASmidgen Thu 13-Aug-20 13:09:10

I would also add that I did a lot of work on establishing my non-negotiables, cutting negative people out of my life and maintaining high standards. Looking back, I wasted a lot of time on a lot of losers.

Lelophants Thu 13-Aug-20 13:09:53

When I was low I saw a friend in a completely different light. We are now married with a baby.
It is possible. The main concern is will you see it. smile

Toilenstripes Thu 13-Aug-20 13:11:29

I met my now husband when I was ready to just pack it in. No job, no money, living in a hostel and feeling suicidal over the recent death of a family member. If you can still put yourself out there, it will demonstrate hope and intent, and I truly believe that there will be someone for you.

Colourmeclear Thu 13-Aug-20 13:21:12

I met my current partner, who is amazing, after an abusive relationship (only three months after shock). 12 months or so after we started dating I ended up in hospital for a very long time and have been in and out of MH treatment ever since. He has been by my side every step of the way cheering me on for years. People who love you will still love you even if things are tough for you.

Bunnymumy Thu 13-Aug-20 13:23:26

Fuck that. I attract assholes and psychos as is, so no way would I want to meet someone when at my lowest. I would be worried I would overlook warning signs. Also, why risk being kicked when you are down?

I'm not saying it cant happen but I think when you feel low about things, the best thing to do is to be with ppl you know you can trust. Or take some me-time.

Weakness and desperation will attract sharks. I know it's hard but the best thing to do is to set dating aside. Tbh a partner should never be a plaster for our own lack of self worth or desire for purpose.

Id bet you dont need a partner - you need a new adventure.

Okunoshima Thu 13-Aug-20 13:26:22

For me, it wasn’t happy so much as content and accepting - once I reached the stage of genuinely thinking that “I WILL be ok, whether or not I meet someone”

It was the same for me, being in a place of acceptance allowed me to have the boundaries to weed out the bad men. I know that it is easier said than done though OP, and I'm sorry your feeling so sad at the moment.

I took time out from dating a few years back because I just wasn't enjoying it at all and felt very depressed about it. It is a cliche, but focussing more on myself helped. Also getting really angry about how I had been badly treated in the past - acknowledging anger that I hadn't at the time was cathartic.

I think if dating at the moment is actively making you feel bad, you need a break. I think the best position to be in when seeking a partner is not some mythical Uber confident happiness and glowing independence but a feeling of emotional understanding of yourself, stability and clarity of knowing what is best for yourself.

Needtogetbackinthesack Thu 13-Aug-20 13:29:17

I met someone when I was at my lowest, had just split up from someone I thought was going to be the love of my life, my dad had cancer, work was shit and then I ended up losing my job.

Met someone, whirlwind romance, married and pregnant within 2 years.

I left him a year ago. I was so wrapped up in finding someone to settle down with and to make me happy that I didn't notice he was an a suite drug using porn addict. Be really careful when you're feeling so desperate.

I left, did a lot of work and proper therapy (not just counselling) and met someone lovely.

peachpuppy Fri 14-Aug-20 04:14:49

Hi, @User18328. Not sure if this really counts but I would consider it pretty low. I met my now husband when I was fifteen, after a long bout of horrendous situations (abusive family, bad alcohol problems, self harm, suicide attempts, sexual assault etc etc). It wasn't an instant click of "first I was struggling and now I've met a nice man so everything's perfect"- in fact, we even cut contact for about a month and a half after meeting as I wasn't ready for a serious relationship (after which, shit really hit the fan, including going to hospital, AA, sexual damage blah blah blah). But we found our way back to each other and now are super happy! I genuinely see it as the more rubbish the world throws at you, the more you get in return. The best you can do is work on healing from the pain you are experiencing, and someone will come along - just make sure you have no doubts that they are a good person (as even if we divorced in a bad way, my husband would still support and look after me and vice versa). Good luck! xx

User18328 Fri 14-Aug-20 07:49:38

Thanks for the posts!!

Strangely it’s less about dating any person to fit the role and so I feel less likely to meet someone abusive I think. It’s more than I feel nobody nice will be attracted to me. Even when I feel ok, accepting of the shit that has happened and I carry on, I’m still broken inside and sad.

These posts are so uplifting - I have fears of becoming mentally or physically unwell and meaning someone writes me off. I can’t insgine for a moment someone caring for me that much that they would still want me around.

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Bells3032 Fri 14-Aug-20 07:59:47

I wasn't quite at my lowest but remember the morning of my birthday in 2017 and I was crying my eyes out down the phone to my friend. I had a bmi of over 40, was stuck in a job and hadnt been in a real relationship since my ex had passed away in 2015 just weeks after I had a lost my mum. I honestly didn't think I'd see any happiness in my life.

Less that 48 hours later I got a message on a dating app and a week later I reluctantly went on a date with that guy. I was honestly planning to leave and meet friends less than an hour later. 4 hours later I was still sat there and blown away. Less than a year later we were celebrating our engagement and now we are married. I'll admit life hasn't always been dandy but I am thankful every day I met him and never regretted it for a single moment.

You never know what life is about to bring you please keep hopes up. Have a good cry and then get back out there.

user1471548941 Fri 14-Aug-20 08:15:36

I had a disastrous run of dating- met loads of guys from online dating, some idiots, some I was just too needy about because I was lonely and desperate to just have someone. I thought being part of a couple would make my life complete. I ended up getting together with an old friend and buying a place together. Long story short, I had settled; I didn’t really fancy him and he was lazy around the house- worked 15 less hours per week than me, didn’t lift a finger around the house and expected me to come home and cook dinner whilst he sat on the Playstation! If I hadn’t been so desperate I would have recognised this issues WAY before we got to the point of buying a house!

One day I decided enough was enough and my self confidence had grown enough that I wanted out. I left that evening, went back to my parents and spent the next 18 months absolutely skint as I tried to buy him out to avoid the huge early repayment fine on our mortgage. That was not fun! I almost saw it as my punishment for not checking out things properly in the first place- major lesson learnt!

Ironically several weeks after I’d made this choice to blow my life apart I got together with my boss who I’d had a crush on for a while. Now that was a bold choice that took self confidence and a confidence in my decision. We had to change jobs to be together without really knowing how we were as a couple. I was newly single and saving to save my house, he was my boss, it was all kinds of wrong! But the difference was I had this massive underlying confidence in my choice. I really fancied the guy and I also trusted that he could handle my disabilities and shared my values. Many years later, I saved the house and we’re blissfully happy living there together (it was very specifically suitable for my disabilities) and getting married. That was the difference between “settling” for the first person who was interested and chasing down the love of my life. I would say him coming along at the worst timing ever completely beat just waiting for someone to show an interest!

ErickBroch Fri 14-Aug-20 08:40:04

Basically. We were just work friends, so not 'real' friends, but he helped me leave an extremely abusive relationship and gave me the support I needed to leave. We became a couple a few months later. He supported me through stalking, court cases, and the worst time of my life - and this was in the first couple of months of our relationship! Not the honeymoon period you'd expect.

Chasingsquirrels Fri 14-Aug-20 08:52:41

I did, twice. But thinking about it, maybe more as I was coming out of the low points, and the relationships accelerated that.

After ex-H left I was at a pretty low. End of a 17 year relationship, 2 young kids, pretty devastated etc. Knew 2nd DH for years and got together about 15m after the split.

After DH died I was a mess, kept functioning (work, food, basics etc) but no energy for anything, I assume I was depressed. I gradually came through it and wanted to start connecting with life again, started OLD and met DP 14m after DH died. I was an utter mess for the first few months of our relationship as I worked through my emotions on experiencing these feelings again, my fears for what that meant for the future etc.

In both cases I think I was lucky they were/are good men, who didn't take advantage of my emotional state.

User18328 Fri 14-Aug-20 09:26:16

Thank you so much for these. They have made me feel more normal.

I think the feelings I have are defeated, exhausted, sad, fed up. Even when I function and go to work and eat or watch a documentary, everything is overshadowed by this horrible dread that life hasn’t planned out as I wanted and I’m so scared for the future and not meeting someone. My anxiety is sky high these days too and while I am dealing with it and definitely function ok, I can’t help worrying any nice man would think sod that.

My exhaustion and resentment towards dating as actually made me more resilient in a way. I care so little that I only meet up when I really am interested. I am very low though and not the happy confident perfect person everyone says you have to be to meet someone, that’s for sure.

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VivaMiltonKeynes Fri 14-Aug-20 09:31:42

User18328

Thank you so much for these. They have made me feel more normal.

I think the feelings I have are defeated, exhausted, sad, fed up. Even when I function and go to work and eat or watch a documentary, everything is overshadowed by this horrible dread that life hasn’t planned out as I wanted and I’m so scared for the future and not meeting someone. My anxiety is sky high these days too and while I am dealing with it and definitely function ok, I can’t help worrying any nice man would think sod that.

My exhaustion and resentment towards dating as actually made me more resilient in a way. I care so little that I only meet up when I really am interested. I am very low though and not the happy confident perfect person everyone says you have to be to meet someone, that’s for sure.

You sound like you need to have a chat with your doctor . Sometimes our bodies just cannot get us out of this and we need a little help .

User18328 Fri 14-Aug-20 09:34:20

I’ve done that already. Also in therapy.

The bottom line for me is that I have been broken and damaged now. Even when I am ok I am still utterly fed up and not the perfect glittery person everyone suggests you need to be to settle down, that’s what worries me

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Welikebeingcosy Fri 14-Aug-20 17:03:11

Maybe you will meet someone and click and your glitteriness will come back out of hiding. Sounds like you're just saving yourself for the one after giving yourself away too much. Don't beat yourself up about how you feel inside.

riotlady Fri 14-Aug-20 17:12:26

Yes! We were both in a p low place tbh-

Me- depressed, unemployed, overweight, drinking way too much, flat an utter tip, been single about 6 months after a long term relationship ended.

Him- in a shitty (open) relationship, sleeping on his dads sofa and working weekend nights in a bar, also depressed

We started as friends with benefits, then were just friends, then realised we were madly in love with each other about a year after meeting. We’ve seen and loved each other at our worst and now we’ve built each other up and are in much better places. I’m still fat, but you can’t have everything! XD

PicsInRed Fri 14-Aug-20 17:24:21

At my (then) lowest, I met my abusive now ex husband. He took me even lower still.

I'm more cautious about men interested in women at a low ebb now - there will be very few if any non-exploitative men who will be interested in a woman in distress. Very few.

GhostOfMe Fri 14-Aug-20 17:51:05

I met my now DH at my lowest, when I was very sick and depressed and didn't want to go on living. If it wasn't for our boys I'd be wishing I never met him. He's emotionally abusive. We did have some good years together, but post kids he's taken me to a new low due to the way he treats me.

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