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He wants to be friends but It will feel awkward(9 Posts)
I work with someone who I share a lot of interests with. We laugh a lot together and he has joined me and dp on a few days out we have had. (Mostly before lockdown) Let's call him Ben.
Dp isn't keen on Ben, I don't think he's jealous of our friendship, he just isn't into the same things and they are two quite different people. He has said he would rather we do things as a couple and if me and Ben wanted to go somewhere another time then we should do that.
Problem is I have started having feelings for Ben and it's making things complicated. I find he is easier to talk to than dp and we have so much in common. I love dp and do not want to leave him so I feel I need to back off from the friendship. I find myself thinking about Ben when he's not around, but not dp when I'm with Ben.
I don't knows if this will be possible without hurting bens feelings. I can't talk to dp about it as if it was the other way round I wouldn't be too happy about it.
What can I say without upsetting anyone?
You could be having feelings for Ben because he’s easy to talk to etc. The way people sometimes think they are in love with their therapist. It just feels safe and good to be with them and you can relax.
However if you want to get your relationship with DP back on track you already know you need to keep away from Ben.
Perhaps you could tell Ben DH has a lot of stuff planned for the two of you now that lockdowns relaxed and you’re going to be really busy and you don’t want him to think that you’ve fallen out with him but you just won’t be around as much, sorry, I’m a crap friend, kind of thing.
Then tail it off with Ben. And work on your relationship with dp. Especially the bit about not being easy to talk to him, what’s that all about? It should be the easiest thing in the world if you are well suited. If it’s not, are you sure dp is the one for you (taking Ben off the table totally out of the picture). If things have gone a bit stale because you’ve been together with dp a long time perhaps you do need to do stuff together and bond again. Perhaps he’s been preoccupied with work and needs to chill? Weekend U.K. break? Could you have ‘settled’ for dp as he was in the right place at the right time and your life is safe and convenient but he’s not the one?
If you were to ignore Bens existence, are you happy with your dp?
I’m not saying Ben is your forever, far from it, but, his coming into your life has highlighted an area in your relationship that isn’t working for you. Maybe you need to really think about your relationship with so and if there are areas you can both work on.
I mean I can talk to dp but how would I bring this up? I can't just say I have feelings for Ben and expect him to help can I?
I am happy with dp. Up until now I haven't ever considered not being with him.
You need to back away from Ben. Don't invite him on any more days out with you and DP. Don't do things with him outside of work.
Continue to be friendly at work but put some distance between you.
Not sure if all, but some men can sense when something isn’t quite right. It may be the case with your DP and him not being keen on Ben. Just remember that no relationship is perfect and we will meet people that will highlight possible issues. My DP would tell you not to be so quick to reply to texts if that was the case. Even if you tell your DP it would be awkward going back to being friends with Ben after a while.if you were a man, you’d be encouraged by most women on this forum to tell your DP. But being a woman, that’s a different story. Some say it’s selfish to load everything on your other half. Your partner seems open minded enough to suggest you did stuff with Ben separately. You may be surprised to find out he is open to hear about Ben.
I would back away from Ben and concentrate on your husband
Don’t say anything to your partner about Ben. There’s no point. It will just make things go horribly wrong. He will immediately suspect you of stuff you’ve not done.
It would be better to work along the lines of doing stuff together with your partner.
Things you enjoy.
Then if you want you can talk to him about stuff you talk to Ben about. Not talk ABOUT Ben. Just talk to dp about stuff. That’s what I mean.
You say you love your partner. What do you mean. Do you really love him or is he a ‘safe’ guy? Do you still fancy him? Is he The One?
I can't just say I have feelings for Ben and expect him to help can I?
No, I wouldn't do this. It would hurt him for no reason.
Its good that you have identified the issue, instead of going down a path of getting more invested in Ben.
I would do what pp said and just back off from the friendship in a subtle way, a bit longer to reply to texts, being busy so you can't hang out, that sort of thing.