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Not sure what to do re relationship

6 replies

bananaramadramas · 12/08/2020 19:03

I've been seeing someone for 9 months. He was sober when I met him after being an alcoholic. I've known him for a few years and we did previously date when he was drinking a couple of years back.

He had really got his life back on track. Was working, exercising, seeing his children, had somewhere to live. All good.

He was furloughed at the start of lockdown. He wasn't able to see his children as they lived far away and one was shielding. He lost his home as the owner needed to sell. Everything that kept his life stable was gone and he started drinking again. This was manageable whilst the pubs were closed but now it's at a whole new level. I want to help him get his life back on track but don't really know how. I guess there isn't anything I can really do.

I've been considering ending the relationship. I have strong feelings for him and am finding it hard to make the break. Ideally I would like to support him and he'd get better but that takes him to want to do that and I don't think he does yet.

Any advice?

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Bananalanacake · 12/08/2020 19:24

Give him all the time and space he needs. Don't let him move in with you, hopefully he hasn't asked as he knows he has to help himself.

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Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2020 19:28

Walk away and keep walking. He will only get sober if he wants to, and any "help" you give him will do nothing but enable him. He's circling the drain, but that doesn't mean you should go down with him. Don't burden yourself with his addiction.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/08/2020 20:18

banana

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He is still an alcoholic and one at that who has fallen off the wagon.

As aquamarine wrote here, walk away and keep walking. You do NOT want to get further wrapped up in his life because you will be dragged down with him. You also cannot act as either a rescuer and or saviour in any relationship, neither approach works. I also wonder if you are codependent in relationships because that state and alcoholism go hand in hand. And you are correct in that there is nothing you can do; you are in no ways at all qualified to help him and besides which he does not want your "help".

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bananaramadramas · 12/08/2020 23:01

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I've been reading about codependency and I think you have hit the nail on the head. I know deep down I need to walk away but I can't at the moment.

My previous relationships also have elements of codependency but not quite as extreme as this one.

I did pay to do the freedom programme, but have never started it. Was on my lockdown to-do-list.

I keep setting dates or saying after this, etc. I feel I'd be leaving him in the lurch if I walked away. I don't know how to go about everything for the best. I am distancing myself gradually. He has noticed. I don't think he'd just accept me saying we were finished anyway.

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bananaramadramas · 12/08/2020 23:04

@Bananalanacake

In an ideal world he would get better and we'd continue our relationship. He hasn't asked to move in. He knows I'm very protective of my DC and wouldn't allow it anyway. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

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bananaramadramas · 12/08/2020 23:05

@Aquamarine1029 thanks. I feel this is the advice I would give someone in my shoes. I do know what I need to do, it's just the doing it.