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Anyone in a lonely marriage but making it work?

(16 Posts)
StealthLemonade Wed 12-Aug-20 18:29:44

My husband is just emotionless. Since we married, we have probably lived apart more than together. He took 9m to move in with me, takes jobs away from home and we even split for 18m. Absolutely not having an affair, he just is selfish and unless his needs are met 100% and his life his hassle free, he bails. Im 33w pregnant and he still sometimes stays around his friends for really pathetic reasons like his friend had a hair transplant and they got too hot at work (yesterday) but his friend had no fan so H wanted to get one of my 2 fans and go back to his for the night! I didn't say no but the look on my face caused him to change his mind but he still went to drop the friend home, wash his hair there (we have no shower) and have his dinner there. When he's angry he tells me outright he hates it at home because of me etc etc but it's not me. He just is a child with childish friends - all his friends are divorced or the type who don't drive so he has to ferry them around etc. Separation isn't an option, I tried it. He's not all bad, definitely being separated has exacerbated it because he acts the same. He won't talk much, he just gets angry. If i say I'm lonely, he says I'm mental. He is from a country where typically women aren't loved etc, the concept is bizarre to him genuinely. Women very much put up and shut up. He's not extreme by those standards, i know this sounds bonkers but he lets me drive etc when we visit his country so he is on the lesser end of the scale.
Anyway, does anyone live in a basically lonely and loveless marriage and make it work and be happy? He isn't a friend or confidante and he never will be ... its been 6.5 years. He'll happily go all day without speaking to me, even longer. Anyone facing the same ?

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cantarina Wed 12-Aug-20 18:40:45

I think you have to honestly ask yourself what do you get from this relationship and are you happy with it. Can you accept the way he is with you for the rest of your life? The answers to those questions will determine how you go forward.

It's your life and you know what it takes for you to be happy or what you can accept. I have to say that many women would not be happy in a relationship like the one you describe, but we are all different and no relationship is perfect.

StealthLemonade Wed 12-Aug-20 18:45:54

Yes, ive accepted it. I mean, it isn't all bad hes just so darn selfish and emotionless. We have 1 child, one on the way and the grass absolutely is not greener. It's my 2nd marriage too. I can be alone, I'm on the cusp of a career after being mostly a housewife for many many years, I'm more independent and it bothers me less and less but I do still find myself crying because I crave some nice words, or attention or something. That's what I guess I'm asking.... will this chip away or do people happily and successfully learn to live like this?

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cantarina Wed 12-Aug-20 18:48:39

If it's making you cry now, I think it will chip away at you over time.

bakedoff Wed 12-Aug-20 22:45:39

I’m in a marriage like this and it’s soul destroying. He never wants my company. He’ll give me company if I ask for it but he is never really into me. I wonder if all marriages go like this eventually? I hate spending all my time alone. I just wanted somebody who is interested in me

SoulofanAggron Thu 13-Aug-20 01:19:12

I do still find myself crying because I crave some nice words, or attention or something. That's what I guess I'm asking; will this chip away or do people happily and successfully learn to live like this?

You don't have to 'learn to live' like this, OP. There's a whole world out there, lots of different ways you can choose to live the rest of your life. Read what you put @StealthLemonade- It's fucking shocking. Someone asking if they can learn to live with misery for the rest of their lives. I suppose you could in a way, but it's not even just existing, is it? What you describe sounds like a prison.

But it's not a prison. I know the door can be open and you still not feel able to leave- but you can. From what you say you have some good prospects, you have a lot going for you. That's more than a lot of women in your situation have.

Think of leaving in terms of practical steps maybe. You have to sort X with housing, Y with finances, Z with such and such. Break it down into small steps.

I'm not telling you what to do- but at the minute you aren't living a human life. You don't belong in a cage. You're not a gerbil, there's a whole spirit inside of you wanting to express itself. Not that gerbils are characterless, but you know what I mean. xxx

foreverhungry2409 Thu 13-Aug-20 01:37:26

I feel like this sometimes. Husband totally checks out. He claims it's all stress which I understand. He has a demanding job and his mum unloads a lot of problems on him too. We live with MIL so it's not the easiest. He'll never spend his spare time with me, ALWAYS his mum. I get he wants to spend time with her but he completely neglects me. We've been fighting a lot over it and the fact that he doesn't want to be intimate much either. I try to be as understanding as I can but sometimes I just break down. He'll ask what's wrong but never acknowledge where he's gone wrong. He can be very cold and pinpoint a lot of my flaws too which just makes matters worse. He does care about me, he just doesn't understand that he's not always very loving or sympathetic towards me. We are currently trying to work on our issues and they are getting better with time. Men just don't have the same emotional capacity we do sadly. Things will get better with time OP❤️

Lifeisconfusing Thu 13-Aug-20 01:47:27

Can’t believe you wanted his baby it’s not ok op I wish you luck

Lifeisconfusing Thu 13-Aug-20 01:49:15

Just read you already have a dc. If you can accept this behaviour then you will have to move on from it otherwise it will be a split

Zerrin13 Thu 13-Aug-20 08:46:42

You said you separated for 18 months.
What happened to make you reconcile?
Why is seperating again not an option?
You unfortunately are there to provide sex and domestic care. If he is paying the bills for you and the children he sees that he is doing his job. He won't get better. I've seen it so many times. Its whether you can live like this or not. It sounds utterly soul destroying.

SoulofanAggron Thu 13-Aug-20 09:24:26

Men just don't have the same emotional capacity we do sadly.

@foreverhungry2409 Aww, maybe not but some are worse than others.

You said you separated for 18 months. What happened to make you reconcile? Why is seperating again not an option?

These are all good questions from Zerrin, @StealthLemonade . I would be interested to know the answers, too.

avidteadrinker Thu 13-Aug-20 09:33:39

This is such a difficult situation and my heart goes out to you. The thing to consider is whether you want your children growing up thinking this is what a relationship looks like? Please think about what you are modelling for them in terms of happiness and relationships.

Cactusmum Sat 15-Aug-20 08:45:04

Yes. nearly 20 yrs married, two kids. Hes emotionally and physically distant to me but an otherwise kind and calm person and ive struggled many times over the years with the reality of it but ultimately there is no deal breakers in the situation, hes always home if hes not at work, makes no demands of me, I do what i like, spend what i like and i can be my own person and im not under any illusions that ill be happier without him or would find anybody else so i try to make the best of it. My situation sounds a lot better than yours for example, so i feel for you immensely.

StealthLemonade Wed 19-Aug-20 07:48:59

You said you separated for 18 months.
What happened to make you reconcile?
Why is seperating again not an option?

We were on the verge of divorce, it got held back due to other court proceedings. I dunno what suddenly changed, he just started to speak to me again. When we were separated it was hell - i had two exa basically ganging up on me and everyone came for their slice of the pie. I was on the verge of losing my child to him because.... of dv! It was decided either I'm lying or I didn't protect my child (nothingwas said about him).... it was a bizarre time. He has the power and the money and the charm. I love my children more than I hate my situation basically. It's not all bad, sometimes it's fairly normal but recently he's become more and more weird/selfish. Currently he's back staying with his friend and blocked me because i needed a nightdress for my hospital bag and it deemed i was too demanding. Also i bought my dc a £7 tv without his" permission". My dc, not his btw.

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WinWinnieTheWay Wed 19-Aug-20 07:58:57

I am in an lonely marriage, but the circumstances are different. My Dh just doesn't get my needs and I have realised that there is no point in trying to change this, he is just not capable.

Your Dh sounds vile to be honest. The thing about spending nights etc at his mates, is there a possibility that he might be gay?

StealthLemonade Wed 19-Aug-20 11:33:21

Sometimes i wonder if hes gay but he's so opposite. Ive "caught" his porn history before and it's straight and he's IMO overly sexual (like he cannot cuddle without more, even if he's already had it) . Hes just a child i think, family life is too stressful. So he's learnt he can opt out but blame me

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