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In a v messy situation

(29 Posts)
esssabelle95 Tue 11-Aug-20 23:39:14

I (24, f) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4+ years. We have a very loving relationship, full of laughter.

Around this time last year, I found myself finding a guy in his football team attractive. These thoughts worried me and I panicked, so I opened up to him about it. Eventually we decided that it's normal to feel this way in a LTR and we worked through it.

However, our relationship begun to strain just before lockdown. A few things, such as his lack of spontaneity and laid-back attitude didn't help, but it was also mainly because we were no longer having sex and hadn't done for a good while. I didn't see him for the 7 weeks of full lockdown whilst we "had a break" to decide what we wanted.

I got talking to this football guy over text, definitely a silly thing to do. I realised that there was a lot of attraction and sexual chemistry there. However, he was partial to blowing hot and cold and I sort of gave up on the whole situation because he came across as a bit of a twat lol.

Fast towards and me and my boyfriend decided to give things another go and decided to rent a flat! It's been 6 weeks now and things have been lovely, lots of fun and really nice. But the sex hasn't come back yet.
I'm now finding myself thinking a lot about this other guy again, which is extremely frustrating because deep down he seems a bit emotionally immature and blows hot and cold, but I just can't get him off my mind.

I went to my boyfriend football game on Saturday and there was an after party. Me and this other guy ended up kissing for about 2 seconds before I pulled away and I've never ever regretted anything more. I have told my boyfriend and he was devastated, and we're both really unsure on what to do. I would hate for this guy to be the reason to end an amazing relationship with a lovely boyfriend because he's not a nice guy at all. Any advice?

OP’s posts: |
rvby Tue 11-Aug-20 23:42:19

It isn't meant to be this difficult. End the relationship, it isn't meant to be.

The other guy is immaterial really.

monkeyonthetable Tue 11-Aug-20 23:44:24

They are both wrong for you. You need a man who is as attractive to you as the footballer and who you like and get on with as much as (or, ideally a lot better than) your current boyfriend. It's not an amazing relationship if you have moved in together and nothing physical has happened in six weeks. I'd really mistrust a man who had no interest in sex, unless it was mutual and the couple was asexual.

whattododo Tue 11-Aug-20 23:47:20

Oh god OP end the relationship,it's not healthy at all!

backseatcookers Tue 11-Aug-20 23:47:29


It isn't meant to be this difficult. End the relationship, it isn't meant to be.

The other guy is immaterial really.


CuppaZa Tue 11-Aug-20 23:50:53

Neither are right for you. Your boyfriend should probably finish with you anyway

Aerial2020 Wed 12-Aug-20 00:08:19

Did you talk about why you weren't having sex before you moved in together?

OhYeahYouSuck Wed 12-Aug-20 00:25:03

Have you asked your boyfriend why you haven't had sex? You're both young, I don't know why there is a lack of sex but it's a sign something isn't right. You wouldn't have a wandering eye else.

Anordinarymum Wed 12-Aug-20 01:46:01

It's sounds like it has run it's course and the other guy is just a catalyst.

End it amicably if possible and move on

Candyfloss99 Wed 12-Aug-20 01:51:47

It's an amazing sexless relationship? What age are you? 70? Why would you want to be in a sexless relationship? You are friends with this man you've moved in with, nothing more.

sergeilavrov Wed 12-Aug-20 03:13:35

I don’t agree with the other posters, because there is an important detail missing: the extent and depth of communication between yourself and your boyfriend about sex. Have you told him how you feel, discussed why he isn’t interested in sex at the moment, pursued compromises. It could be his self esteem since the admission about his teammate being attractive to you, testosterone levels, life stresses. Moving is stressful: my DH and I find it so tiring that sex doesn’t resume for about 10 weeks afterwards.

I think you need to no longer see or communicate with this football team member, even if that means removing yourself from that social circle a bit. Take some time to really invest in your relationship with your boyfriend, and you’ll both be in a better place to judge its merits fairly.

rottiemum88 Wed 12-Aug-20 03:44:51

I would hate for this guy to be the reason to end an amazing relationship with a lovely boyfriend because he's not a nice guy at all

So you decide to have a break from your "amazing relationship" and immediately went running to the other guy (metaphorically speaking), then decide to give things another go and immediately jump to moving in together despite your unresolved issues... and within a matter of weeks you've cheated on him. Albeit only a kiss, but mentally you'd made the leap to doing it. You say the other guy isn't very nice, but on that front it sounds like you're made for each other to be honest

SleepingStandingUp Wed 12-Aug-20 03:49:12

Why would you nice in with a guy you've just had a break from and are securely incompatible with? Did you even talk about the lack of sex?

The other guy is a distraction from what you know is missing in your current relationship. If you were happy, you wouldn't have missed him and be fantasising about him.

Dunno your guy and move on from them both

hammie46i Wed 12-Aug-20 04:11:13

Neither of these men are right for you. You should not be with your current partner if the sex is non-existent. And the other guy isn't really interested if he's blowing hot and cold.

Get out and find someone else.

famousforwrongreason Wed 12-Aug-20 04:31:37

Did you stop having sex after you told your bf that you fancy his team mate? I think that would kill anyone's libido, especially if they train and play together. Then you kissed him before you moved in together and told your boyfriend. I'd struggle to feel horny with all of that going on and I feel a bit sorry for your boyfriend.
I would split. You're both young, he must be feeling very hurt and insecure.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 12-Aug-20 05:06:55

You're only 24 and settling for a dead end relationship. Why? Time to end it and move on.

Raidblunner Wed 12-Aug-20 05:11:39

The best advice for your boyfriend is to run for the hills.

mathanxiety Wed 12-Aug-20 05:21:50

Somewhere out there is the right man for you.

Neither of the men you are currently involved with is him.

You are trying to make the relationship work presumably because of the sunken costs fallacy. You've put X amount of time and energy into it so you believe you need to keep on trying.

You are both young and healthy. You have mismatched sex drives. Apparently you haven't talked about the impact of that on you or on how you feel in the relationship. It's time to either sit down and have a very honest talk about your sexual relationship or to simply decide to set each other free.

You are not going to convince someone with a low sex drive (or someone who simply doesn't fancy you) to have more sex with you. You need to understand that before you sit down for the chat.

PurpleFlower1983 Wed 12-Aug-20 05:31:29

You’re looking for a way out, you and your boyfriend are not meant to be.

Goatinthegarden Wed 12-Aug-20 05:51:13

I think you were mean to tell him you fancied his teammate, I’m not sure what you thought that would do for his self esteem...and his sex drive; I wouldn’t be particularly interested in sex with a partner who told me they fancied my friend. You can have momentary crushes during a ltr but for goodness sake, don’t share that with your partner and expect them not to be affected by it. Also, you don’t have to be having sex, but you need to be talking about it and sharing your expectations with one another.

It really sounds like your relationship has reached an end, finish things with your boyfriend and stay away from the football guy as he doesn’t sound great either.

PinkSparkleUnicorns Wed 12-Aug-20 06:14:57

The friends snogged you even though you were in a relationship again with his friend. If you leave bf for the friend, I think he will probably cheat on you as well.

If you stay with bf it'll be forever there that you fancied his friend more than him and snogged him.

Remove football guy from the situation completely. If he didn't exist how would you gauge your relationship?

I don't know you but from the info you've given it does sound like it's time to move on from both of them.

Gobbycop Wed 12-Aug-20 06:15:26

Your boyfriend sounds like a doormat.

He should dump you.

Onthemaintrunkline Wed 12-Aug-20 06:18:12

End things with your boyfriend, he sounds too nice for you.
‘Amazing relationship with a lovely boyfriend’ and you go kissing someone else. You seriously need to grow up and treat people you call ‘lovely’ properly.

AlwaysCheddar Wed 12-Aug-20 06:21:22

Both relationships are poor, not sure why you think it’s amazing. Give up on them both. It was too soon to rent with the boyfriend.

category12 Wed 12-Aug-20 06:37:21

Didn't you post this thread already?

How about being single for a while? You've been in a relationship since 18.

It's not working for you anymore and you fancy other people.

Get out and have some fun. Date people. Screw around if you want.

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