Husband secretly recorded me - advice needed

[Thisisme34]

Hi all. Long term poster, name changed.

Today I returned home following visiting my family for the first time in many months. DH lent me his iPod to listen to music on the way (flight) and I did it on the way back. I've randomly discovered that he recorded several arguments between us, all of which are saved on his iPod. I am in a state of shock. The recordings were made without my knowledge or consent.

In one of the recordings, DH was goading me to get me to say things I have never done, such as that I was violent towards him. I've never been violent towards him. I thought at the time this was odd but I was so upset and desperate in our argument that I didn't notice I was being recorded. I've never admitted anything cause there is no truth in it.

I come from a verbally and at timed physically abusive family (my father), full of what now would fall under coercive control. I'm 34 now and all my life I've lived with a chip on my shoulder as a result and admittedly I get over the top and desperate in arguments like my mum. I had no good example at home. However, I have picked up on it and have had counselling. I am no longer in touch with my abusive father which has been a major relief. I have worked extremely hard on myself and will have to do so probably for the rest of my life.

DH is, what I thought, a kind, non-confrontational person. He knows my past and never in a million years have I thought he'd use it against me. I hoped he would support me in overcoming my demons and that we'd have a good, loving marriage that I always dreamt of.

In the same time, DH is a liar. He lied to me immediately before and after our wedding 5 years ago about certain important things in relation to his family (re MIL who turned out to be a vile person but he was covering her actions). He lied to me about the fact he was in significant debt of several thousand pounds of which I had no knowledge. I knew he had 2-3k debt when we first got together which he wasn't paying off and it was accrued stupidly, on random unnecessary things. At the time we were both on not great money as we were studying to get further qualifications so that amount of debt wasn't worrying but he wasn't paying it off as he's not good with money. Therefore, I sat down with him and worked out how to pay it off. He promised me he would do it and I married him thinking there was no longer any debt and we'd be able to start saving up for a deposit for our house, a fresh start. 3 weeks after the wedding I randomly discovered his debt was 9k. That was a huge set back for us at the time and I was devastated. Admittedly, I slapped him then - once and only once in my life. It wasn't the right thing to do, but I was at the rock bottom once I realised another major breach of trust on his part. I felt terrible and apologised to him and never ever done it since.

I then forgave him and worked out how to pay it off. We paid it off. Saved up for a house, advanced our qualifications. We now have a beautiful home, good jobs, pets, trying for a baby, I sadly had several miscarriages which affected my MH greatly. But I got through this.

As far as I was concerned, our relationship was better than ever and he never breached my trust again. Until today.

I feel that he was trying to gather evidence against me which for some reason he has held on to for over 2 years. The arguments he recorded took place in 2018. He has since sold the phone on which the recordings were made, having reset it before, he says. However, as I said, the recordings are saved on his cloud and his iPod and for whatever reason, they are still there.

I confronted him tonight and he was shocked. He first said he never recorded me. Then finally admitted he did but "only twice", he "never shown it to anyone". He said he recorded me because he wanted to "relisten to it" but he never did. He also doesn't know how they were copied into his iPod, supposedly this wasn't done on purpose.

To present the full story, the arguments we have had were usually about DH being lazy around the house and not noticing things need to be done or not finishing them. He tends to be too laid back whereas I am a hard worker and I felt a huge share of responsibilities were falling on me whereas he wasn't doing much which I found difficult and upsetting as I hoped for an equal partnership. So probably not unusual arguments, however they were heated at times as I was repeating myself and asking him to change his attitude over and over again and sometimes I just had enough. To be fair about this, he has improved in that regard particularly in the last 1.5 years and we've barely ever argued. It was never heated either, since I've been very mindful following my counselling not to repeat my parents' mistakes.

I am devastated. This is like a blow straight into my heart. I thought this man would help me work through my worries and yet he completely turned against me, goaded me to say things that never happened. This isn't what a loving partner does. I feel this was done in bad faith to use it against me at some point, but he denies this.

I am shocked and broken. Is this the end? What do I do now? Do I get divorced at 34, in the pandemic, risk never having children which was my lifetime dream?

Have I been living a lie for 7 years?

[SentientAndCognisant]

Ok, I think he’s recorded you as an insurance policy in case things got rough
He’s tried to manipulate you to say falsehood eg that you were violent to him. Then he saves it as leverage to use against you
Frankly I’d be thinking get rid of, end the marriage before any dc
If he’s manipulative as a single man rest assured he’ll be manipulative as a dad

[Thisisme34]

Thanks for your comments. It's difficult to comprehend to me as I would have never done anything like this and I never thought he'd be capable of it. What a mess.

[Whenonedoorcloses]

I think there was a similar thread here recently where the husband recorded his wife without her consent and its illegal. It's coersive control as well. Someone will come forward with much better advice. Can you forgive this?

[Lweji]

The manipulation plus the recording is really worrying. He is not a decent man. And if he left the burden of the house to you, he'll do it again if you have a baby.

Do you really want to raise a child with him? Or probably, separated from him?

[Thisisme34]

I don't think I can forgive. Would you? I feel this isn't the person I thought I married and that this was all a lie. Doing something like this isn't supportive, to me it seems against me, mean and a complete breach of trust. I really don't know where to go from here, it's like someone has pulled the rug from under my feet all of a sudden.

[SentientAndCognisant]

Unfortunately he’s proven by past actions/behaviour that he can & does lie to you
Frankly I’d not be having a baby with a man like that. It’s all v murky
He knows your weaknesses and he preys on emotional areas you find difficult

[Cabinfever10]

Thats a massive red flag. He needs to give you all of his devices and full access to his cloud account so you can delete any and all recordings of you. Then you need to decide if you can ever trust him again if not leave

[SentientAndCognisant]

It is an abusive pattern of behaviour, yes
He has covertly recorded you,both in midst of altercation, without your consent .probably to use as leverage

[Thisisme34]

Is this abusive? I can't get my head around it, he's not an aggressive person and is kind and helpful to everyone around. Did I marry an abuser?

[Thisisme34]

I got him to show me all devices this evening, so far I've seen nothing else on them. However I do recall on many occasions he was being kind of smirky and staring at the screen when I was raising certain issues. I thought he was ignoring me which I said to him many times and it was very annoying. But now I'm suspicious he was recording more.

[LemonTT]

The OP has been violent in the past.

I would advise anyone who has been hit by their partner to gather evidence of it. But make sure they hid it well from abusers who will monitor their digital devices and finances.

[Mywifeandkids1]

Please don’t hav DC with this man, I’ve been in a similar situation and it was all used against me in court to try and take DC. They didn’t care for it but This is major red flag

[slipperywhensparticus]

Fuck it and leave you can have kids by artificial insemination rather than an abusive wanker like this

[MissCadoganTate]

You're saying that he's abusive, or at least questioning it but you slapped him!

I just think that you both need help

[Thisisme34]

I'm not monitoring his finances or devices... we have joint finances and both have access to all accounts. I worked out the debt repayment plan and savings plan in the past to get us out of trouble which we agreed together. I earn more than him and paid off more of his debt than he did. I also never touch his devices, I asked him today to show me if there are more recordings elsewhere. He unlocked them and showed me, I do not have access to them and do not know his passwords. I am not sure where this sort of ideas appeared in one of the previous posts, this isn't the case.

He has also grabbed me and shook me before and once smashed my favourite mug in the kitchen, damaging our worktop permanently. So whilst I accept I should now have slapped him once in my life after discovering the debt, hand on heart, I am not a violent person.

[EKGEMS]

He refused to be honest when confronted them partially admitted them minimized his misdeeds-yeah he's a "great" guy-not!! Sorry ,but I would only trust him as far as I could throw him! You can become a mother through anonymous donation or meet an honest guy without track record for deceit. Well done for recognizing your issues from your dysfunctional father.

[Thisisme34]

Do you think this is something that can be forgiven?

[LexMitior]

Ok. I think you need to leave.

Recording your partner, even if as a method of “gathering evidence” is not okay. Even if you were abusive it would still not be, because it was without your consent.

I don’t know about your temper. All I’ve got to go on is what you’ve written, and a man who is recorded you is not to be trusted. Either he doesn’t trust you or he has decided he needs it for the future. His totally dissembling attitude to the discovery suggests that you need to get out and certainly do not ever have children.

[billy1966]

OP,

This is not a relationship to bring children into.

He is a lying toad, who drove you to slap him.

You were very very wrong to do this.

His repeatedly lying to you triggered awful behaviour in you.

Do not have children with him.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I would throw him.

He has shown you who he is ...repeatedly.

[SentientAndCognisant]

Honestly, no point asking any of us can it be forgiven. We all log off, you’re left with it
You need to decide what’s tolerable, what’s forgivable. You’ll have to live with the consequences

[LexMitior]

Okay, read your last post.

Please finish this “relationship” before your self esteem is worn down in even further. I imagine he has been extremely helpful with the difficult times as he knows better then what buttons to press with you. Get rid of him.

[Thisisme34]

I used to get upset in arguments and cry, say things that upset me and sort of beg for them to change, in exactly the same manner as my mum was dealing with my abusive father. I do not get abusive towards DH, I tended to blame myself in arguments and ask for help. My counsellor helped me with seeing this pattern and my communication skills have improved thanks to my therapy so that I can calmly find solutions rather than take things to heart and blame myself.

[Finkelbraun]

Ultimately, you can't trust him. He has shown that more than once now.

Please don't have kids with him.

[GeorgiaGirl52]

This is not a true relationship. He is "stockpiling evidence" to use against you when he decides to leave. Thankfully you are not married nor partners with children. Leave now. Be glad you found out and get out.

[Thisisme34]

I think some of you have said things that I was perhaps scared to admit myself. Without giving too much away, DH works in a profession which involves dealing with various difficult people and he is trained in recognising someone's weaknesses - but his job involves helping them. He would know how to be manipulative but somehow I refused to believe he'd do something like this to his own wife.