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Best friend affecting our relationship

(6 Posts)
EnglishTeaBag Tue 11-Aug-20 15:10:14

I’ve been dating my partner for a year and a half. I’ve always gotten on great with her gay guy best friend from the start. He has always been very supportive of our relationship. Now though, he’s hit a bit of a rough patch in his life and wants to spend all of his time with her. My partner and I only see each other at weekends, and we do our own thing midweek (there is about 60miles between us), he spends almost every day (and night with her) and they are almost joined at the hip. When she see’s me he makes sarcastic comments about her moving through to be with me, and that he wants to see her at weekends as well as midweek. He has also jokingly said about marrying her (which I find a little strange considering he is openly gay). They have been friends for over 15 years so I know their friendship is important to her. But I find it a little over whelming and I am worried that he will come between us. He said he will always support her and that if she is happy he will be happy, but when he finds out she’s having a great time with me, he becomes different and almost a little bitter. He spoke to her terribly not that long ago in text for no reason at all, it was very rude and mean and I had to bite my tongue as whenever I try to suggest anything about his behaviour she brushes it off. She is too nice and allows him to do that and then makes the first move to initiate contact. As long as he apologises she just forgives. When he is in a relationship he doesn’t bother with her as much because he has his own life but because he is single and isn’t in the best place in his life or have much on at present he has very much latched on to her and needs to be with her 24/7. When my partner and I went through a bit of a tough time, he was trying to tell her I wasn’t into the relationship etc and trying to persuade her I didn’t feel the same, which couldn’t be further from the truth - and I told her that. I’m scared she’ll be swayed by his behaviour and that it will have an affect on us. People I’ve spoken to have told me, he is always going to be there, and to try and not provide any input, leave her to sort it out as it isn’t my place to get involved. Me saying something or getting frustrated will only make it worse or give him more ammunition to be awkward and it will make her feel stuck in the middle. What do you think? Why do you think he is being like this?

OP’s posts: |
EnglishTeaBag Tue 11-Aug-20 15:12:22

I forgot to add that I’m 33, my partner 30 and her best friend 31. I am feeling too old for these third wheel games and feel I end up taking a bit of a step back when all this happens

OP’s posts: |
piperm Tue 11-Aug-20 15:17:05

@EnglishTeaBag hey! Now personally I've had gay friends and usually when they joke about marrying us it's just a joke, none of us take it to heart or believe him as it's no different to us then as one of our girl (friends ) saying it, but everyone is different, although honestly how he is acting is a bit strange but we don't know the story right, i mean personally I'd talk to him calmly about it because it affects al 3 of you, hope it gets better

Jihhery Tue 11-Aug-20 15:31:21

He does sound like trouble.

msflibble Tue 11-Aug-20 15:33:29

This is a difficult one, but confronting her about behaviour she's letting slide will actually push them closer together and away from you. Be as patient as you can and eventually his clinginess and passive aggressiveness will put her off too.
His behaviour towards you is unacceptable, but he is probably just lonely and insecure and therefore trying to create drama in your relationship so he can feel less alone in his heartbreak. This strategy only works if you rise to it though. Don't let his attempts to manipulate you lash out - then he will have something to complain about you with her behind your back. Pretend it doesn't bother you and rise above it - pretty soon she'll see that you are a calm and dignified person while he is intense and demanding.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 11-Aug-20 15:34:09

Your partner needs to grow a backbone, and I would tell her so. Three people in this relationship simply isn't going to work.

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