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I’m absolutely petrified of online dating now / feel quite shaken by this experience

(88 Posts)
Chasingstars9 Tue 11-Aug-20 11:38:17

I’m 25 and have been on online dating for a couple of years on and off. Haven’t had a “serious” relationship since I was around 20 but have enjoyed being single, focusing on my job, family and friends. I’ve been on a couple of dates over the last year but they just haven’t worked out for one reason or another, normally because we just haven’t clicked.

Anyway, I started speaking with a guy (24) a month ago. We seemed to really hit it off. He made me laugh, we were able to talk for hours about random silly stuff. He seemed genuinely nice and interested in looking for a relationship. We had phone conversations everyday and did facetime. He was honest with me and explained that he’d been to jail for 6 months when he was 19 after getting into a fight with his uncle. Due to getting into a bit of debt when he was in jail he was also not in the best financial situation hence why he only rented a room and didn’t have a car or much money. Despite all of this I wanted to give him a chance as we all make mistakes and he told me that he wasn’t that person anymore, that he was trying to make a better life for himself. He had a full time job (earning more than me so he was definitely doing well given the circumstances).

We met up two weeks ago for the first time and it went really well. We went for a meal and for a little walk and he showed me around his town. He explained that he hadn’t seen his parents for nearly four years as they had practically disowned him after being in jail. He also told me that a lot of his close friends were big drinkers and that he’d got into the habit of going to the pub every night after work/every weekend but that he wanted to change and he thought by me coming into his life that would help as I have “my head screwed on”. I’m not a big drinker and rarely go to the pub, it’s just not my thing. Things were going really well between us but the 2nd date took a bit of a left turn. I turned up to his house and he was asking me to go to the pub with him to meet all of his friends. I explained that I didn’t feel comfortable meeting his friends so early on and just wanted to spend time with him and get to know him. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and kept putting me on FaceTime with them. I eventually decided to go home and later that evening he sent me multiple messages apologising for his actions and said that he only wanted me to meet his friends because he felt so comfortable around me and felt that he was “falling for me”.

He explained that he struggled to understand boundaries because he’d never really dated before (he’s been single since he went to jail 5 years ago). He said he wanted to see me again and promised we could just take things at my pace. I decided to give him another chance and drive down there again (an hours drive there and back). That morning he was sending me multiple messages telling me how he couldn’t wait to see me, that he missed me and couldn’t wait to spend the day with me, “just the two of us”. When I got there it was a completely different story, he hadn’t got dressed and his room was a mess with rubbish all over the floor. He was very cold towards me, wouldn’t even give me a cuddle or a kiss. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was just depressed and that his life was shit. I tried to reassure him that he was doing well, that he had a lot to be grateful for and that he had a lot more than some people. At least he had a job and a roof over his head. He kept telling me to “run a mile” and that I shouldn’t be with him because “I’ve got my shit together with my own car, flat and job” and that he doesn’t have any of that. I suggested that we could go for a walk, try and get some fresh air which might lift his mood, maybe go and get something to eat and his response was “I’m not made of money”. This comment was hurtful as I certainly wasn’t dating him for his money, I work full time myself and have my own money. Slightly frustrating though as I know he’d been in the pub the night before and bought a Chinese (I think he spends a lot of money on alcohol).

We argued a bit as I asked him to explain how he was feeling and he just said he couldn’t. He said that no one (not even me) could make him happy, that he didn’t care about me and that all he wanted was “friendship”. At this point I decided to leave and go home as I felt he was just in a bad mood and I was basically his punching bag. I’d only been there for an hour and already felt drained and deflated. I’m generally a very happy person and I just felt my life had turned very negative. We didn’t speak for the rest of the day but he messaged me that night saying he felt awful for “ruining things between us” and that he would come down to see me on the train once he got paid. I said that I felt things weren’t working out between us and that it should of been the “honeymoon phase”. We’d only met twice and we were already arguing etc. I told him that I was quite upset that day (crying on my way home) after the way he treated me, especially since I’d driven all that way to spend time with him and he apologised. I just said that the situation wasn’t normal (and I guess he took my message the wrong way) as he flew off the handle and started sending me messages asking me “if he’s normal” or “should he just kill him self tonight”. I told him to stop being silly and that’s not what I meant at all but that I thought it would just be best to wish each other well but part ways as obviously it wasn’t working (and imo because it was evident he was not ready for a relationship as he had some deep rooted issues to work on).

He then asked me if I thought he needed professional help and I said that if he was feeling suicidal or had intrusive thoughts then it might be best that he seeks medical help or tries to speak to someone. Again I think he took what I was saying the wrong (perhaps thought I was insulting him or taking the piss) and he started sending more messages saying I was pathetic for crying (apparently this means that I fall for people too quickly - 100% not the case and this is coming from a man who wanted to introduce me to his friends on the 2nd date). He also said “he didn’t need help just because he didn’t want to be with me” 🤨. Apparently “he didn’t give a fuck what my opinion was anyway because he had his mates”. At this point I just wanted to diffuse the situation and move on so I said that was great and wished him all the best. In response he told me to “fuck off and delete his number”. I respected his wishes and did just that on Sunday night.

I didn’t hear anything from him all day yesterday so assumed that was the end of it, but at around 8pm I was bombarded with messages saying “he was going to end his life tonight”. I didn’t want to encourage the conversation but also didn’t want to completely ignore him just incase he did take such drastic measures. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself so I sent him the number for the Samaritans in an effort to help him. I was only trying to do the right thing but in response he said “it was on me, that he hated me and that I was a fucking cunt among other things”. I’ve also apparently ruined his life and it’s all my fault. He then blocked me and I haven’t heard anything since. I’ve felt on edge all morning and just really down about the whole situation. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong and all I’ve tried to do since meeting him is help him and give him a chance to be happy with me but he threw all that back in my face. My mum said it’s not normal to put all of this onto someone after only knowing them for a month and he obviously has many problems that he needs to work on. He saids everyone has a problem because he went to jail when in fact I think he’s the one with the problem. I think he’s bitter about his own life. I’m not sure if he was just annoyed that I did move on, didn’t chase him or give him any attention so perhaps that’s why he threatened to take his own life last night.

I’m trying to not give it any more headspace and forget about it but I just feel incredibly down about it all. I just can’t understand how he could hate me so much when I’ve not done nothing wrong. I’ve never experienced this before with anyone so it’s just quite difficult to process. Thanks for reading if you have got this far x

OP’s posts: |
OrlandoInTheWilderness Tue 11-Aug-20 11:43:45

Crikey, lucky escape there!
I'm sorry OP, he is obviously not the sort of man you want to be dating. Best to find out now though. I'm pretty sure he isn't going to kill himself though.

ColdOopNorth Tue 11-Aug-20 11:46:06

What an arsehole this man is. Block all contact with him and threaten him with the police if he tries to get in touch. He is seriously deranged and sounds like he has an alcohol problem, a personality disorder and he could be dangerous. More red flags then a communist parade here! Move on and be more choosy and have more self respect then to let anyone treat you like this in the future, you sound like you are too nice and tolerant.

toomanyplants Tue 11-Aug-20 11:51:48

Honestly I'd just block this guy.
You have invested nothing, and it's not up to you to sort his issues.
He's right, you do sound like you're on a good path in life, don't get sucked into his.

mumoseven Tue 11-Aug-20 11:51:59

Crikey! How horrible for you, but you had a lucky escape I think.
You sound like a lovely person, and you certainly don't need any of that shite in your life.
Sometimes it is shocking when people reveal themselves like that, like turning over a stone and finding crawlies under it.
Onward and upwards xx sending you a hug

year5teacher Tue 11-Aug-20 11:51:59

You know his address. If this happens again tell him you are sending a welfare check to his property. That’ll snap him out of it - it tends to do so with men who threaten suicide to manipulate women.

Chasingstars9 Tue 11-Aug-20 11:51:59

@OrlandoInTheWilderness I don't think so either. He was suppose to be in work today, I remember him telling me his shift patterns.

OP’s posts: |
Chasingstars9 Tue 11-Aug-20 11:53:53

I was quite shocked at how fast he changed and at how fast his true colours came out. I guess you can hide them behind a text message/social media but face to face is a different story!

OP’s posts: |
whatever1980 Tue 11-Aug-20 11:56:29

Block block block

ComplexPTSDmaybe Tue 11-Aug-20 11:57:30

I wouldn't feel bad or beat yourself up. He is clearly in some kind of mental health/anger crisis. That isn't your fault, it isn't your responsibility and it isn't your problem. He does need professional help. Block him. Do not speak to him again. Focus on yourself. His attitude towards women stinks.

Bunnymumy Tue 11-Aug-20 11:58:07

I met a big old cluster b just a week back too. It was the first date I'd been on in a while and it's really scared me. I thought I'd met my fair share of crazies in the past but this took the biscuit. I'm scared now too as he stays local. I had to cancel another date I had planned and say no to a third person who asked. Maybe in a few weeks I'll feel like I can again but...boy oh boy. It scares you you know. And I just dont think men 'get' it.

Always beware whirlwind, boundary pushers and too much too soon. I'm glad I cottoned on early as I've never had such a strong gut feeling of 'ruuuun!' but he did not react well when I said thanks but no thanks to date 2.

Block yours on everything op! I hope it doesnt put you off dating but remember theres no harm in taking a break till you feel better l. Oh and read up lots in narcissists so you'll be able to spot them better in future.

inthebleakmidwinteriwouldsing Tue 11-Aug-20 12:01:08

Six months in jail is a hell of a long time for getting into a fight with his uncle. I'm just saying. There's a lot going on there that we don't know about.

ShebaShimmyShake Tue 11-Aug-20 12:02:25

Stop feeling obliged to "give men a chance" even when they've been in both prison and serious debt. Seriously, stop feeling obliged to be "nice" and as if you owe anything at all to some near stranger. And definitely run a mile from the ones who want you to fix them, especially on the first date.

I don't mean to victim blame because this is obviously all his fault, but you must stop thinking that you have any kind of obligation to someone you hardly know even when they're waving red flags like they're at a Communist rally.

EthelMayFergus Tue 11-Aug-20 12:02:36

I would block him and chalk it up to (a hopefully rare) experience. Look for signs in his early behaviour that could have hinted at his real personality, just to help you avoid anyone like him in the future. In a way you're lucky though, from reading some threads on here, a lot of men can hide that side of themselves for a long time until their partner is pregnant. Don't lose faith though, there are some decent men out there!

Alfiemoon1 Tue 11-Aug-20 12:03:58

What an awful experience for you. Just block him and move on you had a lucky escape he obviously has issues but that is for him to sort out not you

iamthrough Tue 11-Aug-20 12:04:41

Crikey that sounds an awful experience - but that's all it was. You sound lovely and sensible and luckily for you this Twit showed you his true colours so early. You've done the right thing to block him and I suggest if he somehow tried to contact you again you just ignore - don't engage at all. As he lives a hour away you're not likely to bump into him by accident thank goodness.
Try not to let it put you off dating altogether. I'm sure there's a lovely guy out there just waiting to be discovered by you. Take your time - stay sensible and safe and hopefully the next guy will be more worth your time.

MellowBird85 Tue 11-Aug-20 12:05:06

Don’t take it personally - he would’ve done this to the first (any) woman coming into his life. He sounds unstable, toxic and yes, like a PP said, personality disorder / alcoholism. For Christ sake don’t have any further contact with him.

backseatcookers Tue 11-Aug-20 12:05:58

Bloody hell that must have been really unsettling. Try to see it as a learning curve - going to his home alone when he has a history of violence was a very bad call, he could have turned nasty and you would have been so vulnerable.

Block block block. I assume you have no mutual friends so just do a thorough block on every platform and try to close the door on this chapter.

But as someone else said, stop trying to be nice to people who you don't know if they deserve it yet, don't feel obliged to be kind to someone who has pushed your boundaries right from the start, do not go to someone's home alone so early on - try to learn from this one so something good can come out of it.

Poor you I felt unsettled just reading it thanks

WinifredSanderson Tue 11-Aug-20 12:07:15

Lucky escape! If he's like that now imagine what he'd be like 6 moths down the line!!

yorkshirecountrylass Tue 11-Aug-20 12:07:48

I'm sorry you've had this experience OP and can understand it's frightening. My advice would be to block all contact - phone/text/WhatsApp etc... in the kindest way, you can't "fix" him, and every time he feels low he's going to play this blame game rather than taking responsibility. Even if you're not dating he will keep coming because I'm his mind your response says that you care and his behaviour is okay. If you have a local PCSO you could have a chat with them if you're worried he may turn up at your door (and if he does, as I'm sure you know, do NOT open it for ANY reason, regardless of what he threatens to do to himself, use an upstairs window to tell him to leave your property immediately or you will call police (and do so). 🤗

MrsMcTats Tue 11-Aug-20 12:08:04

OP the red flags were there at the beginning. Put it down to experience and be more cautious next time. You were brave not being bothered by him being in jail, I would have run a mile! What kept you interested despite the list of issues - jail, no money, heavy drinking etc? Very few people would be able to deal with this with a stranger. Don't underestimate your worth and find someone deserving of you smile

Poppyismyfavourite Tue 11-Aug-20 12:08:19

wow I thin you've had a lucky escape! Stop replying to messages and he'll eventually assume you've blocked him (which you should) and stop trying.

Haggisfish Tue 11-Aug-20 12:09:42

Did you google his name location and ‘jail’ to see what came up? Might reveal a different story!

WhoisRebecca Tue 11-Aug-20 12:10:08

You sound like a nice caring person. Please keep him blocked on every possible app and if he continues to harass you, contact the police. In future, don’t waste time on men who have any kind of criminal or violent past or who don’t have their lives together. You’re not a charity, you’re looking for an equal.

Personcalledjoy Tue 11-Aug-20 12:12:45

That's a simple one. Next time he threatens to end his life, don't reply just call an ambulance to his address.
He won't do it again.

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