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Do old fashioned men still exist?

(357 Posts)
BooFuckingHoo2 Tue 11-Aug-20 09:33:59

Was going to NC but fuck it grin

I’m approaching 30 and I’ve been single for a couple of years now. I’m definitely attracted to a specific type of man, I.e. someone who’s “dominant”, has a good job and wants to play the traditional “man” role. (Also being tall and good looking helps grin).

When I say traditional “man” role I mean be earning at least equal to me and be the main “provider” of the family if we were to have kids in future (I’d want to go PT). I also find it attractive when men are assertive and protective of their families and have strong morals/are chivalrous.

It seems these type of men are becoming either vanishingly rare or the ones that do exist are total dickheads! I OLD and 50% of the men I meet (and I screen them extensively first grin) turn out to be very passive and (I’ll be flamed for this) want me to pay half on a first date shockgrin.

Has anyone got a “traditional” DH/DP or does anyone dare to admit this is what they want?

Do these men still exist (non dick head ones) and how can I make sure I attract them?

OP’s posts: |
BooFuckingHoo2 Tue 11-Aug-20 09:35:54

I know I’ll get flamed for this but as part of the trade off I’m more than happy to do the vast majority of the cleaning/wife work/future childcare.

OP’s posts: |
Inthebleakmidwinteriwouldsing Tue 11-Aug-20 09:36:09

The only thing I’ll say is that you can’t reasonably expect a complete stranger to pay for you the first time you ever meet IRL. It’s not the same as meeting someone IRL and having them ask you out.

Inthebleakmidwinteriwouldsing Tue 11-Aug-20 09:36:47

BooFuckingHoo2

I know I’ll get flamed for this but as part of the trade off I’m more than happy to do the vast majority of the cleaning/wife work/future childcare.

You say that now grin

Lweji Tue 11-Aug-20 09:40:07

or the ones that do exist are total dickheads

I'm afraid that's basically what old fashioned means. You'll be very lucky to have one only with the good bits of old fashioned. They're more likely to have the bad.

edwinbear Tue 11-Aug-20 09:42:12

I think the problem is OP, that men these days (quite rightly so), have been brought up to believe women are their equals. Therefore women should be contributing financially to the household and they (the men) should be equally contributing to household chores and childcare.

Certainly this is how I'm bringing up DS. I wouldn't want him growing up believing he needs to provide or protect his family, I'd prefer him to marry an independent woman who is more than capable of looking after herself. I also teach DD that she should never rely on a man for anything.

BooFuckingHoo2 Tue 11-Aug-20 09:42:36

@Inthebleakmidwinteriwouldsing if it’s OLD I’m happy to just go for a drink the first time which would probably cost them about £20 for both of us I think. And yes if/when I had kids I’ll probably be seriously regretting my views grin

OP’s posts: |
BooFuckingHoo2 Tue 11-Aug-20 09:44:53

@edwinbear I get that to an extent. However I see all too often IRL and on MN that men definitely do not do an equal share of childcare and housework! And I’m ok with that as long as they pull their weight in other ways, however I’d rather be upfront about it at the start than end up resenting them later.

I’m single at the moment so pretty independent with a good career and a nice house/car that I own. I’m wondering if this possibly puts some of the type I like off.

OP’s posts: |
NataliaOsipova Tue 11-Aug-20 09:47:15

I think you’re probably going to be looking for someone older - over 40 at least. In my experience, younger men see dating/the world a bit differently from the way you do. It also struck me that online may not be the best way to meet the type of man you’re interested in. I know a few men who would fall into the category you describe, but I can’t see any of them going on Tinder or such like to meet a serious partner.

litterbird Tue 11-Aug-20 09:51:06

Interesting thread. You say you are in your late 20's. I think many men of your age may have been raised by mothers who worked and contributed to the household or survived as single mothers. These sons may have a different outlook and may look at relationships as equals rather than dominant male scenarios. I have raised my daughter who is in her 20s to never rely on any man financially or emotionally and to only be in a relationship of equals. Her boyfriend is in his 20s and I look at them as a modern couple. No dominance just equals. I am sure somewhere out there you might find a traditional man in the sense of the word but you might have to cast your OLD age net to those men in their 50's and 60's as they grew up in a more traditional household as did I. Good luck!

BooFuckingHoo2 Tue 11-Aug-20 09:51:13

@NataliaOsipova I think you’re probably right. Out of interest where do you think I can meet them?

OP’s posts: |
WineIsMyCarb Tue 11-Aug-20 09:51:25

Usually a man who has the opportunity, will and inclination to have a high paying demanding job and want to be the 'traditional man' will want and possibly need the domestic back up of a 'full time wife'. I come from a family of these. In my opinion for the right people that full time wife and traditional husband role are valuable in their own right. However, don't expect any of the following from the "traditional man":
Help in the night with baby
Many nights out with girlfriends while daddy does bathtime and bedtime - many traditional men will expect a hot meal and some company of an evening, not to be on their own with children after a busy week at work
The house has to be pretty clean and tidy all the time. You may well have a cleaner and gardener but there is no "kids were driving me crazy, it's one of those days" days
You will be expected to stay in decent shape and look 'together' as part of the role.

But you'll probably have a lovely lifestyle once the children are at school. Private school, nice car, bug house (to keep clean and tidy) nice clothes and holidays etc.

But you could get a lot of those by being a more equal split.

NameChange84 Tue 11-Aug-20 09:52:20

Be careful what you wish for!

They exist but I’ve never met a decent one. Fine if you want to be a maid servant, walking womb, give sex on demand, and spend your whole life as a skivvy to an entitled, selfish, sexist pig who likes to “keep you in your place”. And if you set yourself up this way financially, it will be extremely hard for you to get out of the marriage. Make sure you have a running away fund.

WineIsMyCarb Tue 11-Aug-20 09:52:38

*Big house

You're supposed to keep the bugs out!

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble Tue 11-Aug-20 09:55:53

* It seems these type of men are becoming either vanishingly rare or the ones that do exist are total dickheads*

That's because on average, what you see as traditional is dickishness. Basically you want the good bits of traditional without the often accompanying bad bits. Those exceptions are rare despite what movies and romance books tell us.

TorkTorkBam Tue 11-Aug-20 09:56:29

Date divorced older men.

Ideally the kind whose wife divorced them for not pulling their weight at home and not taking the wife seriously as an intelligent equal person. You are OK with that and he has learned he wants that kind of wife. Win-win.

I know several men in their fifties with second wives in their twenties/early thirties who have a "traditional" arrangement. They seem happy. The women all seem to have had jobs in marketing or similar in their early twenties before being swept off their feet by the older richer dominant man who knows his wines.

Young men wanting this type of arrangement will tend to be dickheads. They haven't got the financial clout nor life experience to choose this way of being: they are just sexists.

The ex wife will look down at you like you are a dumb bimbo. Meh. If you are happy so what?

TorkTorkBam Tue 11-Aug-20 09:58:22

The second wives are all good looking, care about their appearance a lot, and I think they all met their husbands through work (him being much much more senior).

Aerial2020 Tue 11-Aug-20 09:58:50

You can't seriously want to go into a relationship saying you will do most of the housework?? That will backfire massively. When you are stressed with your part time job, looking after your kids, doing most of the domestic duties (which you volunteered for) and all because you wanted a 'traditional ' man, I feel you will come to regret that when you are so exhausted you cant think straight. Do you know how hard all of that is?? You'll be back on mumsnet complaining your husband does nothing to help, is off playing golf or whatever/working and you are stuck at home absolutely exhausted wondering where your life has gone confused
A man can provide for his family more than financially. It's got to be support in all areas too.

Lweji Tue 11-Aug-20 09:59:40

I’m single at the moment so pretty independent with a good career and a nice house/car that I own. I’m wondering if this possibly puts some of the type I like off.

I think what you're looking for is a man with character who is also kind, not the old fashioned type, who wouldn't like your independence. And your independence wouldn't like him in real life.

My advice, for what is worth: see if the man is generous and kind and attentive.

You probably won't find your assertive man so attractive when he tells you your job means less than his, or you end up with children, no job, and no saying on finances.
Be really careful with what you wish for.

Deadringer Tue 11-Aug-20 10:00:01

Well lots of women on the relationship board are with 'traditional' men. They don't do any housework or childcare, they expect their woman to be forever young, slim and attractive despite how they look, they want sex every day with very little effort (because they are 'highly sexed') they want their other half to hang around for years until they are ready to propose to them, then they don't, because traditional men don't want to buy the cow if they are getting the milk for free. Good luck.

donquixotedelamancha Tue 11-Aug-20 10:00:42

* I see all too often IRL and on MN that men dickheads definitely do not do an equal share of childcare and housework!*

Fixed that for you. I'm not sure deliberately picking a dickhead is the best solution.

Out of interest where do you think I can meet them?

Join UKIP.

FrenchtoEnglish Tue 11-Aug-20 10:02:01

What about a happy-clappy church? Loads of nutters there you could get on with.

donquixotedelamancha Tue 11-Aug-20 10:05:52

What about a happy-clappy church?

I think that a good shout. If you are rural is there a local hunt you could join?

Aerial2020 Tue 11-Aug-20 10:07:19

donquixotedelamancha

* I see all too often IRL and on MN that men dickheads definitely do not do an equal share of childcare and housework!*

Fixed that for you. I'm not sure deliberately picking a dickhead is the best solution.

Out of interest where do you think I can meet them?

Join UKIP.

Brilliant!
Honestly Op you sound very niave.

doadeer Tue 11-Aug-20 10:07:55

You only want the "good" things that come with "old fashioned" masculinity. If this man expected you to do all household activities, wasn't supportive of your career, wouldn't change nappies or get up to help in the night would you be happy then?

I met my DP when we were 20 he had a rule of first dates that he bought the first drink but then he would wait to see if the woman offered. Even if he then said he would pay. He is incredibly generous during the time we've been together (10 years) both in terms of dinners out, presents, thoughtful gifts and tokens. He opens doors for me. Carries heavy bags etc. Everything you would think of in the positive old fashioned camp. But he wouldn't have wanted to be with a woman who expected that.

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