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Exhausted but getting no relief?

(114 Posts)
OrangeLavenders Tue 11-Aug-20 07:14:41

DH has been working from home for the last 5 months. He rolls out of bed around 8.15am and gets showered to come downstairs for work.

DC is up around 6am but it's always always me up with him. Unless it's a Sunday, when it's my day to have a 'lay in'. Often this doesn't happen because (out of choice as DH reminds me), I'm visiting family 3 hours away.

He doesn't seem to get how bone tired I feel. DC has ASD and is very very challenging. It's like being in the baby stage of a very small toddler yet he's almost 3, with no understanding of basic sentences and non verbal. I love him beyond measure but I am very very tired.

H has a week off and insists it's his week off, so won't do any getting up beyond maybe the Sunday that he has to, if I'm here.

But if I utter a word of protest, he reminds me I'd have a week off too if I had a job hmm Yet, I wouldn't. Because I work part time and my annual leave is usually spent doing nice things with DS etc. He says well that's my choice. I lost my job at the end of furlough though and I'm about to start a new one, again PT.

DH insists full time wouldn't work because of all DC's appointments and really he is right, but I just feel if I worked full time then maybe I'd be respected a bit more for the hard work I put in? I mean, how could he refuse to share lay ins if I literally worked the same hours?

If I mention that DS often isn't even here to bother him because I take him out for activities or to see friends and family, he reminds me 'that's my choice'. Without admitting he benefits from having so much time away and peace from DS.

I'm a very house proud woman and yesterday upstairs was spotless but I was due to leave to go out for the day and DC had messed up downstairs (with a few toys and some toast on the floor, with the pillows), whilst I was on the phone to car insurance etc. DH was at the gym and as it was a Sunday, had got up with DS and cleaned downstairs. When he came back upstairs was lovely but downstairs needed another clear up. But I was so busy just getting DC ready and myself, plus phone calls, that I simply couldn't tidy the mess within the 1.5 hours he was gone.

He came back and insisted I do it all again before I leave, because how could I leave him here to do it when he'd already done it? I reminded him of how house proud I usually am but going out for the day trumps that when DC is involved and it would take a very max of 20 mins to sort. He said well do it then. So then I said well he is here ALL DAY relaxing and doing nothing. Whilst I'm out with DC. And dealing with the DC. He said its my choice that I'm out and he didn't ask I go.

I'm so so tired of feeling like I'm breaking myself to do it all. Yet, I feel as if I'm being told very blatantly to my face that I do fuck all sad

OP’s posts: |
GalOopNorth Tue 11-Aug-20 07:18:44

Your DH is a cockwomble. I am sorry, it must be soul destroying living with a lazy arse like that. No wonder you are knackered.

Is he controlling in other ways? I think in your position I would try to get out of the marriage if he wouldn’t talk about this seriously and address the balance of work going on in your family.

BurtsBeesKnees Tue 11-Aug-20 07:19:23

Oh op this is wrong on so many levels. You're a single parent to your dc, and a skivvy to your dh. In your shoes I'd give him an ultimatum, he either steps up and does 50% or he ships out, you life will become so much easier when you're not playing mummy to a grown man.

Is there anyone who can help give you some restbite?

ItStartedWithAKiss241 Tue 11-Aug-20 07:24:32

You will be amazed how less tired you feel when you are a single parent and only have to look after DS and not this human being that is intent of controlling you and sucking all your energy x

Huhokthen Tue 11-Aug-20 07:29:46

If i were you next time he takes a week off I'd book yourself into a hotel for 3 nights and let him see how hard you work.

BumbleBeee69 Tue 11-Aug-20 07:33:05

He's a selfish useless space wasting prick OP... and I agree you will be less stressed with him out your life 🌺

hellsbellsmelons Tue 11-Aug-20 07:34:50

So what is the point of him?
Really think about that.
He sounds nasty and controlling.
This will be the male your DS models in the future.
Do you want that for him?
What is the living situation?
Rented, mortgage?
I think you would be far better off without him.
You are doing everything.
He has no respect or understanding of what you do.
At least if you are away from him you don't have think about him as well.
And you'd get every other weekend to do things you want to do, just for you.
So I'll ask again, WHAT IS THE POINT OF HIM???

Muppetry76 Tue 11-Aug-20 07:35:48

My ex used to say 'pretend I'm not here' when he had time off work.

So I'd get up with dc, do all the usual stuff, he'd get up about midday and moan that dc had been too loud!

He's an ex for a reason...

OrangeLavenders Tue 11-Aug-20 07:44:02

I don't know what to say because I know he won't do 50/50 and will argue that being in full time work means he's doing more work than me, so why would he else take 50/50 of DC? I don't know what to say to that. He will say something similar.

I just feel like whatever I do isn't really good enough in some way, although he hasn't said as much. For example he would pull me up on something if he didn't like the way it was done, and I would do that too.... The difference is he never really has anything nice to say to me in the form of compliments envy so I feel very defensive when I get criticism!

For example ''I don't like how you clean this sofa. Can you stop leaving streaks please?''. Fine to say to me if I felt I was being appreciated. Pisses me off though when negative feedback is all I hear.

But I could be wrong. Maybe he does compliment me? I don't think he has. Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad sad like it's hard to get all the facts together... It's so strange

OP’s posts: |
BurtsBeesKnees Tue 11-Aug-20 07:52:31

For example ''I don't like how you clean this sofa. Can you stop leaving streaks please?''

Your response to that should be

"Do it your fucking self then"

Op you're a grown woman, you may clean differently to him, if he doesn't like it, then he can do it himself. He's not the boss of you! You are a strong, independent woman and he shouldn't be telling you what to do.

And yes, it should really be 50/50 when he's not at work. That includes him getting up early 50% if the time to see to his dc. It means he cooks and washes up 50% of the time, he puts the dc to bed 50% if the time.

Hotandknackered Tue 11-Aug-20 07:56:47

Has he always been so awful? Was he this selfish before children? There are so many things wrong with is I barely know where to start. So I suppose most significantly he seems to think its your child not his. His expectation that you work part time to look after his child and take him to appointments is way out of line. Then says you're not entitled to a break because you're not working. Just wow! I could pick apart everything you said and why you're not being unreasonable. But the point is do you want to be with somone who is so selfish? Do you love somone who treats you like this?

Hotandknackered Tue 11-Aug-20 07:58:40

The constant criticism is worrying op. It sounds potentially abusive. I know people jump to this all the time. But it seems like it is messing with your head.

FlySheMust Tue 11-Aug-20 07:59:11

Why on earth are you putting up with this? I'm getting the rage just reading it.

OrangeLavenders Tue 11-Aug-20 08:01:06

He was never this selfish before DC. It started when DC became more of a toddler.

But, he did show controlling behaviour. When DC was Newborn my family would visit me before he got in from work. But they'd have to be gone before he got there sad he didn't want anyone to visit because 'he was tired from work'. Fine. But even now he won't just invite his mum up for a cup of tea etc. He's not interested and isn't keen on people 'popping by'

OP’s posts: |
Dery Tue 11-Aug-20 08:04:48

Christ it pisses me off when men – and it is always men – think that because they have a paid job they do not need to look after their children. My DH and I both worked four days a week in the early years and five days a week subsequently and always spent our non-working time looking after our children. Both of us did. Equally. That’s what parents do.

The reality of having children – particularly small ones – is that when you are not doing your paid job you look after them, along with your co-parent. You share the load. All the time you spend parenting your son is also work – it just happens to be unpaid. More to the point, your partner knows damn well its work and that’s why he’s so hellbent on avoiding it.

He is just massively out of order. If you have children, you parent them when you are available to do so. You don’t get a free pass to not do anything because you are in paid employment.

You need to make clear to him that he has got this completely wrong. He should be sharing the parenting with you. If he isn’t willing to pick up the load, you may need to think about getting rid of him. Many mums net posters report leaving partners who refused to help with the children and finding it actually easier without the dead weight of the non-participating parent there.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 Tue 11-Aug-20 08:07:24

He’s an abusive arsehole.

Quartz2208 Tue 11-Aug-20 08:07:27

You have a real DH problem here OP he made you clean up even though he was there

He rests and has all this me time and doesnt do much at all

Oliversmumsarmy Tue 11-Aug-20 08:07:39

Surely you turn the “it’s ypur choice” back on him.

You want a f/t job then that is your choice.

If you go out and leave the house messy then that is your choice.

It does sound like he has no part of this family. He just does as he pleases and thinks giving you a lie in on Sunday, the day you can’t actually have a lie in somehow makes him an equal partner.

What would your life be like without him around.
Would it be easier or harder.
On your own you could probably look at f/t work and organise your own childcare and not have someone telling you that you can’t do what you want when you want.

OrangeLavenders Tue 11-Aug-20 08:08:46

You have a real DH problem here OP he made you clean up even though he was there

I didn't do it. I quite literally laughed at how ridiculous that was given how much I bloody do, and walked out to the car with DC

OP’s posts: |
Quartz2208 Tue 11-Aug-20 08:18:54

But he wanted you too that is how he views yiu

Shutupyoutart Tue 11-Aug-20 08:21:38

He sounds like a self centered arsehole op. Yanbu at all! Seems he sees dc as your sole responsibility cos he works. You should be a team. His parental responsibilities don't end just cos he works! I hate this attitude that caring for children is less important or challenging then having a full time job, being a sahp can be exhausting and lonely and he absolutely should be pulling his weight when he's there. I agree with a pp if he doesnt like the way you clean tell him to do it himself! Im really angry on your behalf op. Does he ever come on these days out with you? What's he like with dc?

Flamingnora123 Tue 11-Aug-20 08:23:52

Your husband doesn't love you or care about you. If he did he'd show some empathy and support. You need to get angry, tell him what he is and get him out. This makes me so angry and it's so common! If you got rid of him you'd have one less thing to stress about.

Tolleshunt Tue 11-Aug-20 08:24:44

He’s a selfish nightmare who wants it all both ways.

Next time he justifies his selfish laziness by saying it’s your choice’ when you’re going out somewhere with DC (giving him child-free time) say ‘ok, fine, I choose not to, then’ and walk out and leave him to entertain DC for the day. Let him see how much ‘choice’ once actually has with a small child to look after.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Tue 11-Aug-20 08:24:49

Eugh what a guy!!!!
So if he wasn’t there you’d have to work? If you’re weren’t there he’d have to parent!!!
Also what amazing job does he do that is requires you to bow down and be in awe of him? - why do I get the impression an office job with an medium wage!

MrsBobDylan Tue 11-Aug-20 08:29:29

He is too conceited and selfish to build a happy relationship with op. He would only change if he acknowledged what an awful person he is, and even then, it would take years and years of therapy and effort.

He forces you into a life of no escape by not allowing you to work full time and then tells you you don't deserve time off because you don't work full time.

Take your chance of happiness op and leave him to clean his own sofa.

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