Don't know how to feel about DM anymore

[crumpets20]

Bit of background, I'm in my late 20s and really feel quite 'jumbled up' by my family.
Just trying to make sense of it really so apologies for my ramblings.

My parents separated when I was really young and I have a great relationship with my DF. If I'm honest I don't think I've ever got over that and always feel resentful I never had my dad there very much. Its probably why I have attachment issues now and worry about being abandoned.

He's been constantly vilified by my DM and GM throughout my life to me for not providing very much, even so that at my wedding (divorced now) it was made into such a hysteria that my dad hadn't financially contributed to paying for it (he's not very well off at all but I've never wanted money from him) when my DM did, that she told me she wouldn't go if I invited my dad. It breaks my heart that I let myself be swept along in all this. They're kind of of the line that they've always provided for me when he hasn't but that's never bothered me, he's always been there for me however I really needed him to be.

My DM has been married multiple times since, all divorced now, one being an alcoholic and the last one being an abusive idiot who assaulted me and mistreated the dogs and she still stayed. I moved out very early just to escape it. We get on better now I'm not at home and I have a DS but that gets me thinking too. I can remember things from my childhood where she'd just flip, I remember being dragged along the hallway by my hair once to my room, smacked and when I was crying wanting my dad, having her open and slam my bedroom door in my face about 3 times whilst screaming on. Her and my GM like to bring up how I was 'bad' almost, as a teen but I've achieved so much now (I was practically angelic).
If I was really bad (typical teenage mood swings, I genuinely was not badly behaved!!) she'd pack me off to be with my dad for a few days then it would be almost like I'd have to grovel and admit how terrible I was to be allowed back home. That would be really hard because I'd love being with my dad but all my life, friends etc, wasn't there.
On one occasion she'd started getting at me over something trivial so I'd gone to my room, my GM came over, brought herself upstairs to my room and started too so I left the house to go to my boyfriend, just to escape. My GF tried to chase me and accidentally fell which is an image that haunts me today but ended with her screaming in the street that I was a bitch. She allowed me as a young child to have two puppies on two separate occasions who I adored but because I didn't look after them (not sure what child can genuinely be held responsible for a puppy or would be, they're only interested in the fun bits), she rehomed them which honestly devastated me. One failed so she took him back, only to rehome him again not long after because I didn't prove myself as committed to the walking etc of the dog.

When I was going through my divorce and didn't really want to speak to anyone so went a bit off grid, she turned it around and made me out to be a horrible person for not contacting people in a while. She'll say she'll do something for me then it never materialises or she'll pay lip service to it (e.g making an offer to help me move house, knowing the dates and me accepting) but then on the day say well you never got in touch with me. She'll message saying she misses me and DS but will never invite me out when she meets up with GM and makes no effort whatsoever to come to my house to see DS, it's always about going to her which sometimes when you have such a young baby, you really can't be bothered to do because they come with so much stuff!

My GM equally has lots of issues but that's another story..

I struggle to reconcile what she's actually like because she is generous with gifts and such but we don't have a particularly 'close' relationship where I'd tell her personal things as she's very judgemental and wants to consider the worst case scenario of everything. I don't believe in smacking children and I'm really anxious about ever leaving DS with her, do people really change?
As I say, I fear abandonment now as well as lots of anxieties and wonder if it comes from that.

Sorry for my rambling, wondered if someone is better placed to help me make some sense.
Has anyone else ever came to a similar realisation? What did you do in the circs? Is it just me being over sensitive and it's not that bad?

Thank you

[Spritesobright]

Oh Crumpets, I really feel for you. YES, it was that bad! What you've described is an abusive childhood. And it sounds like your mum is still controlling and verbally abusive.
In your case I would seriously go low or no contact with them. They are continuing to inflict pain on you even now and you have every right to protect your DS as well.