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Am I falling out of love

(8 Posts)
CoffeeCupz Mon 10-Aug-20 22:39:45

Been together 8 years this october, no marriage or children got together when I was 18 (26 now). I have been feeling kind of meh about our relationship this past year, a kind of 'this will be as good as it gets' kinda feeling. This happend when I had a huge crush on a man at work ( nothing happened bit it was a strong connection, he was single and we both new we fancied each other, was working together) I'm no longer there anyway, since then it's got me thinking and analyzing my relationship, I worry I am settling bescuse I'm comfortable?? But the thought of leaving/ splitting up makes me feel upset and hurts/ pain inside and feel like crying. Sometimes feels as though we have not much in common, but I still want it to work jsut I'm beginning to question it all, that I'll never feel those butterflies or excitement/ hot sex from the beginning of a relationship ever again if I stay with him, the future dosnt seem as fun as it used to years ago, when we do things together it feels abit boring and just really comfortable, I still look forward to being with him and we still laugh but makes me wonderi f could be with someone more suitable? Or is this is a case of grass is greener/ don't know what got untill it's gone kinda thing.
I just don't want to think maybe I am falling out of love how do you know?? ...... Maybe someone out there can relate to what I'm feeling ?? Like worrying I night look back in 20 years and could be wasting my life ...I had few other partners before him but was only a few months, I'm not even sure myself what I'm feeling, just needing to write it all down! X

OP’s posts: |
Dery Tue 11-Aug-20 00:13:42

Tbh, it sounds like your relationship has run its course. You did get together very young. Some relationships which start in the late teens do stay the distance very happily but most don't because people tend to change so much during their 20s. It's quite common for people in your position to marry because they've reached a crunch point in their relationship and then divorce quite soon afterwards because they realise they should have split rather than marry.

Of course, the thought of splitting is going to be painful - you've been a very significant part of each other's lives. But that is not a reason to stay together if you're no longer feeling romantic about him and you may in due course be able to be friends.

The butterflies of the early years usually does pass, particularly if you have settled down together. After all, it's hard to stay very excited about someone you see every day. But in a relationship which might last a lifetime it should be replaced by something deeper and more enduring and you should be excited at the prospect of spending your life with this person - not meh. I was nearly 30 when I got together with my DH and we've been together over 20 years now. We can certainly really piss each other off sometimes. But actually I do feel excited at the prospect of growing old with him. I still find him interesting and stimulating company and I love him very deeply. Over the years, I have occasionally had huge crushes on other men but I have never for a minute wanted to be with them instead of my DH.

There are no guarantees in life. You may split up with your BF and not meet someone else. But it's very unlikely that you won't meet someone else. And you can't stay with your BF out of fear of being alone. That's not right for him or you.

Is there anyone you can talk to IRL who could advise you? Good luck with your decision-making.

CoffeeCupz Tue 11-Aug-20 08:42:04

I know it's so difficult I'm really at a loss of what to do sad I still want to cuddle and be with him but that other part of me keeps thinking that this is as good as it will get and this will be it for the next 50 years if I stay. It breaks my heart and makes my cry thinking of leaving but why can't I shake these other thoughts about what else I could be missing sad Its not that I'm afraid of being alone I'm afraid if I leave I will have lost and could live to regret leaving someone who means al lot to me and who I can trust/ be myself around. Will speak to my family and see they have any advice too x

OP’s posts: |
Dery Tue 11-Aug-20 08:49:50

“...but that other part of me keeps thinking that this is as good as it will get and this will be it for the next 50 years if I stay.”

I really think that tells you everything you need to know. You shouldn’t marry or settle down with a person if you are feeling that way about them. The prospect of spending your future with them should excite you and make you happy - if you’re already thinking “is this all there is?” about it, then it’s wrong for you. You shouldn’t feel like that about your partner and particularly not at the age of 28 when you still have so much of a life ahead of you and may easily live for another 50/60 years or more!

Sakurami Tue 11-Aug-20 09:06:22

The fact that you look forward to seeing him and spending time with him says a lot. It sounds like you're just very comfortable. I think it's worth trying to inject some fun in your life and start being flirty with each other. Maybe also look at ways of spicing up your sex life. I would try that before ditching a good relationship.

NC866 Tue 11-Aug-20 09:07:51

Listen to your gut on this I think. If you feel ‘meh’ now that feeling is likely to increase over the years but it’s much harder to leave once you’re tied into a marriage / mortgage / have kids. I had the same niggly feeling as you and actually when my now dh proposed I did feel happy but also a bit meh and I remember thinking ‘shouldn’t I feel over the moon and totally in love?’ Anyway I ignored these feelings because we were generally happy and got on well and I thought feeling ‘in love’ wasn’t important in the grand scheme of things. 7/8 years on I’m struggling. I can’t regret it because I’ve got my amazing children but I don’t think I should have married him. The ‘meh’ feeling is increasing and I’ve started thinking I can’t stay in this for life, but the idea of breaking up my family and causing so much upset is just awful. I crave real love and connection. The love we did have has waned post-kids as well, kids really test a relationship and although we parent well together it’s definitely eroded our love somewhat. I think you need a really strong basis to get through raising children together and come out of it still feeling like you really love that person and would still choose them. I often wonder how many people are in marriages purely because of the kids and fear of the unknown if they leave. Probably quite a lot.

Dery Tue 11-Aug-20 09:13:42

And what you're feeling is a very natural consequence of having been with your partner from a very young age. It genuinely does work for some people - they get together in their teens and are able to remain excited about each other and their relationship for life. But it's rare.

There are experiences you miss out on if you settle down very young.
Apart from anything, I think it's very useful to spend some time as a young adult single and without romantic ties. You have the freedoms of an adult but without the responsibilities of e.g. partner and family that are likely to tie you to one place. It leaves you more free to start carving your own path, working out what you want from life, what's important to you and what your values are in a way you can't quite do if you're in a relationship and have to keep checking in with someone else.

It also gives you confidence that you can look after yourself if you have to. On Mumsnet, it's quite common to see posts from women who are seriously struggling in their relationship - either they're not happy or the partner is flat out abusive - and one of the things holding them back from leaving is that they have never experienced life as a single adult and they are not confident they can do the things that come with that.

Good luck with making your decision.

IdblowJonSnow Tue 11-Aug-20 09:20:40

I wouldn't gauge people's opinions as they will all tell you different things! I split up with my long term bf at a similar age and it was very painful but I went travelling then and had the best year of my life. As long as you dont have kids while you have these doubts you could just wait and see what happens?
Imo feeling in love is mainly chemicals/lust fading away. This wont last forever with anyone. But you're very young and I agree it's sad to think you might not experience this with other people ever again.
It's good you didnt cheat and obviously have a lot of respect for your partner.

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