He crossed a line?

[mylittlesandwich]

I'll start of by saying I wasn't behaving well when this happened. I was really down about DH being back at work full time. Bad PND which I'm still recovering from and I find the long shifts DH works makes things harder for me to cope with.

I was moaning at DH about how his work doesn't just impact him it impacts me too. He always complains about how much he hates work. I was saying that if he wants a different job then he has to go and look for one. We've been having the same conversation for about 10 years, long before DS and my PND.

I was saying that I was getting down, DH turned to me and said in a really nasty voice "if your life is so horrible and shit then why don't you just fuck off and die". He's never said anything like that to me before but it's really upset me. He knows I was in fact suicidal at the start of the year. We had to go to my sisters to help her move so haven't spoken about it yet but I really feel like he's crossed a line.

[Whenonedoorcloses]

That's a disgusting thing to say and unforgettable in my opinion. How are you feeling now? Have you managed to speak to him?

[category12]

Wow.

[mylittlesandwich]

So far I've managed to mention in passing that speaking to me like that isn't on and that I don't know if I'll be able to get past it. He said he knows he shouldn't speak to me like that.
From past experiences though trying to talk about it will not be particularly successful.

[Tiffbiff]

I’m Sure he really regrets saying it- I imagine he was at breaking point. It’s really important to tell him how much it upset you and that as your DC gets older he CANNOT say stuff like that for them to mimic. He should take responsibility for saying that and apologise for sure

[EKGEMS]

What a nasty mother fucker and no this is THE hill to die on if it were me

[mylittlesandwich]

@Tiffbiff I don't know if he regrets saying it, he still hasn't apologised. Just said he shouldn't have said it.

[Tiffbiff]

Then that’s inexcusable- you can forgive someone saying it in the heat of moment but if they’re not apologetic for it, then that’s definitely a red flag. The fact you’re on hear shows you know what he said isn’t ok- hope you’re ok x

[Iloveme30]

Totally inexcusable
What a low life
Leave him there's no love lost there

[IdblowJonSnow]

Agree, it's worse that he hasn't apologised- especially as he's acknowledged it was wrong!
Sounds like he has form for this shit?

[mylittlesandwich]

Not so much form for being nasty but form for not talking about things. Anything kind of important but not necessarily pleasant gets skirted around. If I try and and get an answer from him he just gets defensive. I try so hard not to adopt parent/child roles but it happens over and over again. He won't do counselling because he "doesn't have the time" and to be fair, after lockdown we don't have the money.

[MikeUniformMike]

We only have one side of the story, so I will try to be neutral.
What he said was disgusting, but he probably was not suggesting that you kill yourself.

Maybe you had been moaning at him just a bit too much.

Could you try to both be more supportive of each other?

[TheStuffedPenguin]

It sounds like you have a communication problem here - he doesn't want to talk about things like his job and it seems from what you say that you don't hold back . You even refer to the "parent/child" thing . Perhaps this is time for a very serious "let's try to get better at this or there is no future for us " talk . As to what he said we all say things in anger and this shows how frustrated he really is with it all . It doesn't make it right but we all do it .

[mylittlesandwich]

I don't know if this is maybe a final straw? I've been nothing but supportive for years. Helping him to write CVs, helping financially support him from job to job. I guess I feel that if he wanted to change his career he would have done it my now? I need support now, and I don't feel like I'm getting it. Then I feel guilty because if I knew all of this then why did we decide to have a child?

[year5teacher]

He told you to fuck off and die and hasn’t apologised.

Get. Out. It should be the final straw. You’ll never forget or forgive this and nor should you. This shows such a massive lack of respect and honestly if my partner said this to me I would just assume he hated me.

[LemonTT]

@mylittlesandwich

I don't know if this is maybe a final straw? I've been nothing but supportive for years. Helping him to write CVs, helping financially support him from job to job. I guess I feel that if he wanted to change his career he would have done it my now? I need support now, and I don't feel like I'm getting it. Then I feel guilty because if I knew all of this then why did we decide to have a child?

He doesn’t want to change his job. Not in the way you think he does.

If you want support you need to articulate what this in another way. I don’t get why he needs to give up his job to support you in an illness when he will just have to get another job. If he can.

If he doesn’t want to apologise for the comment, what will you do?

[mylittlesandwich]

Sorry @LemonTT I didn't mean he had to give up his job so support me but I see that wasn't clear. He works really long hours, that means on days when he's at work he is at work all day long. From when we get up to after DS is in bed he's away.
For years and years he's complained that he doesn't like his job, that the hours are awful, that the conditions are awful. That he wants to change career. I was having a moan that he shouldn't be still complaining, that if he hates it that much then he should have done something about it. That his hours also make my day harder, that looking after DS single handedly 5 days a week isn't my dream either.