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Is this sneaky behaviour re alcohol

(46 Posts)
DevilsIvy Mon 10-Aug-20 12:41:21

I just wanted opinions on this as to me its odd. So ive brought my DHs drinking up numerous times to him and tbh ive had enough and currently in the midsts of finishing decorating the house to sell and part company (which hes aware of and doesnt accept).

Anyway, ive asked him, also numerous times not to drink in the house as literally bar one to two nights a week (mostly one) he is always got a beer in hand, then that leads to lack of patience with the kids, shouting etc and i might as well be a single parent. I have called him out on it (4-6 cans per night week nights/ 6 cans plus wine on weekends) but he minimises it “everyone drinks like this” “ive been work all day” then will sulk and ask things like “can i have a drink tonight” making me feel like a bore and also his parent ffs. Anyway, because ive counted cans and units before (in a bid to help him face up to things) he seems to sneak around the house to open another drink. He will literally try to quieten the opening of a can, will walk into another room or go outside to pour- im sure he thinks i dont see, almost so i cant see its a fresh drink. Is that odd. I have questioned him on it and he laughs and makes me feel stupid confused

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RightOnTheEdge Mon 10-Aug-20 12:49:48

My ex was like this I hated that our dc never saw him without a can of lager in his hand. He drank it like pop. I didn't want them seeing it as normal.
I understand how you feel but I'm not sure there's anything you can do really if your already planning to leave.

Ispywithmycynicaleye Mon 10-Aug-20 12:50:51

Just tell him "No point hiding it, you're binned anyway. You're just making yourself look stupid."

It's not odd from the perspective of someone who wants / needs to keep drinking. Its necessity to them, and they will always try and justify their actions in their head as to why they 'have to behave like that' because otherwise you will unreasonably nag.

Well done binning him, your life will be so much easier and happier without him.

RightOnTheEdge Mon 10-Aug-20 12:52:43

He also gave all the same excuses!
"Everyone does it!"
"I've been working all day."
"I need a drink to watch the match"
"I can't mow the lawn without a drink"
hmm

pointythings Mon 10-Aug-20 13:00:51

Well, he's clearly alcohol dependent. Not everybody drinks like this - my late husband did though, which is why he is dead. He's going through between 80 and 120 unirts a week.

The question is what you want to do now? His drinking is a problem - although he doesn't conform to the bollocks stereotype of the alcoholic with the brown paper bag, his drinking is affecting family life and especially your children, it is stressing you out. I am glad your plan is to decorate the house and then split from him because it is the single best thing you can do for yourself and for your kids. Meanwhile however, you cannot influence his drinking and you need to focus on getting support for yourself. I would strongly suggest you contact Al-Anon or a similar group for relatives of alcoholics so you can talk through your situation with people who get it and bolster up your determination to leave. Good luck.

DevilsIvy Mon 10-Aug-20 13:29:07

@RightOnTheEdge yeah thats just it and why i dont want him drinking in the house- because its not normal and thats all the kids see of him. I just feel lonely. As soon as he starts drinking thats it for the night.

Yes all the excuses, sports on, its sunday blah blah blah its so boring!!

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DevilsIvy Mon 10-Aug-20 13:32:20

@Ispywithmycynicaleye i really hope life will be better. I cant go on feeling/ living like this. Ive told him we are selling the house and i wont be buying another with him. I want a divorce. He buries his head. Hes not told anyone yet his friends or family. I think he thinks if he carries on as normal, nothing will change!

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anotherdisaster Mon 10-Aug-20 13:32:25

Although it sounds like it was already a problem, the fact he is now trying to hide it means its a massive problem. If he genuinely didn't think there was anything wrong with it, then why sneak about? He knows its not normal but never actually admit it because then he'd have to stop.
This will only get worse too. Eventually you would start finding empty spirit bottles hidden around the house. Don't let him drag you down. Glad to hear you are getting out.

DevilsIvy Mon 10-Aug-20 13:36:01

@pointythings thanks for your message. Im trying to keep my head down and just plod on with decorating, getting rid of stuff we dont need etc. I keep stealing a look at houses to buy/rent online and am fantasising about life without him! How peaceful it will be!!! Its keeping me going. I feel like im walking on eggshells and on edge constantly. I dont want this anymore

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DevilsIvy Mon 10-Aug-20 13:40:39

@anotherdisaster its never more than 4-6 in a night but yes thats what im worried about. I just didnt know if that was classed as the typical alcoholic behaviour of hiding drinking. Its only really a recent thing hes been doing as ive made a point of calling his drinking out and adding up units. He does think im a nag. I feel like a nag. Im sick of it all now. He says im over reacting

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CuriousaboutSamphire Mon 10-Aug-20 13:41:55

Then you need to stop!

DHs family are all alcoholics, he leans that way too but chooses to be in control. He does use it as an emotional crutch and, over the years, we have had the "

I am drinking because am happy
I am drinking because am
I am drinking because am

CuriousaboutSamphire Mon 10-Aug-20 13:41:56

Then you need to stop!

DHs family are all alcoholics, he leans that way too but chooses to be in control. He does use it as an emotional crutch and, over the years, we have had the "

I am drinking because am happy
I am drinking because am
I am drinking because am I am drinking because am

CuriousaboutSamphire Mon 10-Aug-20 13:42:24

OOh! Sorry about that it flickered and went all funnt

ANyway

I am drinking because am
I am drinking because am
I am drinking because am
I am drinking because am

CuriousaboutSamphire Mon 10-Aug-20 13:43:21

I give in, you get the message! He now gets told to move in with his brother - that stops him and he has a proper talk about whatever it is that is bothering him.

DevilsIvy Mon 10-Aug-20 13:52:03

@CuriousaboutSamphire haha i get it wink DHs family are all big drinkers and therein lies the problem. Hes been brought up like that and its just normal to him. His family will come over and hes in his element as its free reign over the drinks. Matching Each other.

I cant leave as I literally have no family as their houses are full. His family live close and do have rooms but ive asked him to move out but he wont. So here we are...

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pointythings Mon 10-Aug-20 14:03:21

The best thing you can do is push on as you are - hit him with divorce papers and then use the money you get for a place of your own. As a survivor of an alcoholic husband I can confirm that life without them is wonderful.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 10-Aug-20 14:04:25

Can the house not be put on the market now; why do you have to wait until you've finished decorating?. It just seems like more misery being heaped upon you and your children who are unfortunately seeing all this at first hand too.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 10-Aug-20 14:04:55

Press on with divorce proceedings too; this will make it more real to you and to him.

DevilsIvy Mon 10-Aug-20 14:37:16

@pointythings @AttilaTheMeerkat i think the divorce papers are going to devastate him. Ive laid my cards on the table and he stands there in disbelief. Cant believe what im saying, then will sulk and drink obviously.

Its difficult living in the same house and i cant leave! He pissed me off yesterday and i said “oh i cant wait until this house sells and we can move on” and bam its back to “im not selling” like ive never mentioned it before so i said “ well youll have to buy me out” and he said “no im not” Almost as if weve never spoken about splitting - well i say we, i mean me. Exhausting. I was hoping to sell and get away before divorcing or is that the wrong way round to do this? confused

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DevilsIvy Mon 10-Aug-20 14:39:18

Trying to shield my 13 year old from it all. She seems to pick up on everything, which also makes it hard as its not easy to have a conversation in private!

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trying606 Mon 10-Aug-20 14:40:01

My H is the same, tries to hide it and must think I was born yesterday.

CuriousaboutSamphire Mon 10-Aug-20 14:44:22

Just press on with the divorce papers etc. Tell people, his famliy. Make it an official 'thing'. Take away his ability to pretend it never happened, yu didn't say anything!

PoisonousSIL had to do that to BIL, she just went ahead, sorted herself out, sold the house and left. Much as I dislike her (the only person in the world I would say I could actually 'hate') I was happy that she managed to get away from him.

pointythings Mon 10-Aug-20 15:20:31

He isn't going to make it easy for you, but ultimately he can't stop you. Go for grounds of unreasonable behaviour, quoting his drinking, the behaviour associated with it and the way it impacts your DC. That's what I did - I worded it relatively mildly but even so it just passed. The courts don't like alcoholics. The finances are going to be a pain and you will probably have to resort to the courts to force the sale of the house, but you'll get through it. He can be devastated all he wants, but you told him things had to change and he took no notice.

DevilsIvy Mon 10-Aug-20 16:14:19

@trying606 they must think were stupid! 🙈

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DevilsIvy Mon 10-Aug-20 16:23:57

@CuriousaboutSamphire i think im going to have to.

@pointythings i was going to go for the 2 years separated as he wont be happy with me saying about alcohol. Whilst I do want this over with quickly i do want to remain civil for the children's sake! Or am i living in a dreamworld ?!

We dont have any joint savings or debts. Both work. Have own pensions. Only the mortgage and marriage binding us together.

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