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Beginning to think I’m too sensitive for this relationship

(35 Posts)
AirCloud Mon 10-Aug-20 04:56:50

I’ve been with DP for 2 years and at first he made me feel the centre of everything. Now the honeymoon period has gone, I’m left feeling really insecure about everything. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m just too sensitive to be in a relationship.

How do I toughen myself a bit? The things I get sensitive over are probably trivial to everyone else. I hope I don’t get flamed for discussing them here... please go easy.

Here are examples of my feeling sensitive. He has a second home where he sometimes lived with his ex wife and every time I come across something belonging to her, I feel really sad and upset. Her prescriptions. Her old diary. Her forms for stuff. He is happy for me to chuck stuff but I just feel odd. He has had evidence of past “dates” he brought here, e.g. a book that a previous gf wrote. A business card. Some massage oil. Someone else’s sanitary stuff (he has generously donated the house for rental to a family, could be theirs). It makes me feel a bit like a spare part. I’m not that special at all... he’s brought other women here.

It’s like he’s tough and tough with emotions, but I am sensitive with mine.

I could give other examples, but it extends to FB and instagram. He uses his accounts for photography, so won’t put photos of us together - although tbf not that many of himself, either. He won’t put that he is in a relationship (although I can live with this, neither do I!). I was upset before because it looks like he’s on holiday by himself! He has tagged me into some shots, where he’s thanking me for being the driver, or he acknowledged my telling him about things.

Another thing I find upsetting is that has a female “admirer” who likes his every single photo. I mean every single one. Maybe she has a bot, but it’s a bit much. She’s a photographer/model/actress and I expect he messages her to say how wonderful she looks.

I am a mass of insecurity in this relationship. How do I overcome this? Is it indication of the relationship not working? I don’t want to leave him as otherwise, we get on well together. It’s also hard during the weeks when we are apart (we don’t live together).

Does anyone else get like me?

OP’s posts: |
LookAtTheCahhOlivahhhhh Mon 10-Aug-20 05:14:53

"I expect he messages her to say how wonderful she looks."

What makes you think he does this? Have you seen it, or because of his behaviour, or just because she's pretty?

Bluebell9 Mon 10-Aug-20 05:19:23

Have you felt insecure in past relationships?

You do really need to work on your insecurities as they can ruin the best of relationships.
You need to be able to accept that he has a past, it's nor a bad thing, but focus on tbe fact he chooses to be with you.

Don't assume what be does, you said you expect he messages the admirer. Thay is just your insecurities talking.

Could you talk to a counsellor about your insecurities and work on changing your mindset?

Or when you feel yourself being insecure, challenge those thoughts, think of alternative/opposite scenarios.

It is possible to change, I used to be really insecure and it was ruining my relationship but now I'm very secure and much happier.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 10-Aug-20 05:22:14

I’m not that special at all... he’s brought other women here.

Of course he's brought other woman there. He did have a life before you, didn't he? His ex wife was a massive part of his life, but she is his ex, and he is with you now. Do you not appreciate that activity on social media is rarely ever an accurate depiction of real life? You seem nearly crippled with insecurity in nearly every aspect of your relationship, and that doesn't bode well. I think you should seriously consider getting therapy

AirCloud Mon 10-Aug-20 05:27:06

LookAtTheCahhOlivahhhhh

^"I expect he messages her to say how wonderful she looks^."

What makes you think he does this? Have you seen it, or because of his behaviour, or just because she's pretty?

Thank you, LookAtThe
He told me he messaged her and that it’s mainly about her photography. In one of his comments he told her she’s amazing at her music. This was what made me think he probably also tells her she looks great. Yes, she is pretty.

OP’s posts: |
RahRahs Mon 10-Aug-20 05:28:11

Hi OP. Is there a big age gap? The first thing that struck me is how you seem hung up on things that are rather trivial. Most people have a past and can't really erase all signs of their previous life.

Being so worried that the relationship should be documented on social media is also a little bit odd. You say he posts stuff about you both anyway though... What is it you want from him in that respect?

Unless you have some reason to suppose he's cheating/ you just don't trust him in general, it seems the issue may be more about your insecurities than anything else. And it's probably best to deal with that and figure out what you really need and want before progressing this to a serious long-term relationship.

However, if this is a significantly older man who has told you he has separated from his wife 🤣 and is taking you to their second home where she still has some of her things etc... then your "insecurities" may instead be alarm bells going off because deep down you know that you are really his mistress?

AirCloud Mon 10-Aug-20 05:32:02

Thank you, Bluebell9

Yes, I have sometimes felt insecure in past relationships, although oddly, not in my marriage. Yes, am thinking I need to work on my insecurities. I will think about counselling... in the meantime, I will try to challenge my thoughts when I have these insecurities. It’s interesting to hear change is possible... thank you for sharing your experiences.

OP’s posts: |
AirCloud Mon 10-Aug-20 05:34:02

Aquamarine1029

*I’m not that special at all... he’s brought other women here.*

Of course he's brought other woman there. He did have a life before you, didn't he? His ex wife was a massive part of his life, but she is his ex, and he is with you now. Do you not appreciate that activity on social media is rarely ever an accurate depiction of real life? You seem nearly crippled with insecurity in nearly every aspect of your relationship, and that doesn't bode well. I think you should seriously consider getting therapy

Thanks, Aquamarine, I’m trying to tell myself those exact things... of COURSE she still has things here, of COURSE he will present a good side on social media... etc. Crippled is about right. I need to work on it.

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Ritascornershop Mon 10-Aug-20 05:41:02

It does seem a bit odd the exwife has left so many things there. You are sure he is single? If so, then as everyone is saying, it is not common to be upset over him having had previous relationships.

The thing about Instagram stands out for me as the man I was in love with didn’t understand Instagram conventions and got it into his head that me “liking” photos meant I wanted to have sex with the photographers, or they with me, or something. He scared me with this mad jealousy and I had to end it. It broke my heart, broke me. So cut it out. Photos pop up in your feed, most of us just mindlessly click on them, sometimes just to be kind or encouraging. It means nothing whatsoever, except when it means “hey, that’s a good photo”.

AirCloud Mon 10-Aug-20 05:41:45

Hi RahRahs

Hi OP. Is there a big age gap?

Yes there is... good point. Big age gap and also he has more experience than I have in terms of marriages, kids, etc.

I’m really pleased that these things are trivial to get hung up over, IYSWIM. That helps me understand that this is in my head.

Yes, I should think about what I want from him on social media . I guess it would be nice if he posted photos of “us” as a couple, like his friends do, instead of just his observations and acknowledging me as driver/camera holder/whatever. Maybe I’m being picky there.

No, he’s not cheating and generally, he’s a friendly person. It helps to talk this through. Yes, it’s likely that it’s about my insecurities than anything else. No, he’s definitely divorced and I’m definitely not his mistress 🤣

Thank you so much. It’s already helping me to talk things through like this.

OP’s posts: |
RahRahs Mon 10-Aug-20 05:48:42

Some people just aren't into the couple photo thing. That makes sense especially if he used social media for work purposes. Bit odd for him to refer to you as his driver or camera holder etc though.

Perhaps it is just something that you need to enjoy and then see how it works itself out, rather than overanalysing?

AirCloud Mon 10-Aug-20 05:49:04

Thank you Ritascornershop

It does seem a bit odd the exwife has left so many things there. You are sure he is single?

Yes, I’m sure. As it was a sort of holiday home, I think the ex wife didn’t realise she wouldn’t be returning IYSWIM. Plus she left him, so I think she couldn’t be bothered to take things from drawers. He’s a bit chaotic and I can imagine it hasn’t occurred to him to go through some of the rooms. I’m being silly.

Yes, that is an excellent point about Instagram. I need to remember that these are often mindless “likes” and that photos pop up all the time, and not to obsess. I was upset when he told her she was amazing and asked for more, but I discussed this with him and he was very pragmatic! I also keep telling myself that the comments are there in the open - it’s just social media banter. I need to chill!

OP’s posts: |
AirCloud Mon 10-Aug-20 05:52:03

RahRahs

Some people just aren't into the couple photo thing. That makes sense especially if he used social media for work purposes. Bit odd for him to refer to you as his driver or camera holder etc though.

Perhaps it is just something that you need to enjoy and then see how it works itself out, rather than overanalysing?

Yes, that’s what he said - that he’s not into the couple photo thing. He was when he was with ex wife but that was a good few years ago, when he was using Facebook differently. I think the referring to me as camera holder, driver, etc might be his way of dealing with awkwardness over my upset that he wasn’t mentioning me. I guess it’s a compromise of sorts...

Yes, I need to stop obsessing over it and concentrating on the rest of the relationship.

OP’s posts: |
Arrivederla Mon 10-Aug-20 06:19:23

Hmm. To be honest I do think it's a bit odd that he refers to you as the "camera holder" hmm. I completely understand that people don't always want to put lots of private details on social media (neither do I) but camera holder rather than girlfriend really is strange, especially after almost 2 years.

Honestly it's hard to tell from here; you might be massively over-sensitive or he might be very much sidelining you. I generally feel there is a reason people feel uncomfortable or unhappy in relationships... don't feel that your feelings aren't valid just because he isn't acknowledging them.

AirCloud Mon 10-Aug-20 06:44:18

Thank you, Arrivederla he only added the camera holder thing when I told him that it might be nice to be acknowledged sometimes, that we did these things together. You’re right, though, it’s a bit demeaning to be those things, like I am sons sort of helper, rather than an equal!

OP’s posts: |
SonEtLumiere Mon 10-Aug-20 06:55:48

Are you acknowledged as his gf/partner in real life. Do his children/family/friends know you are together.

Grobagsforever Mon 10-Aug-20 07:00:40

Big age gap you say? Being weird about couple photos etc?

Meh, I'd spend some time alone working on your own anxiety and then find someone your own age. Age gap relationships are usually all in the man's favour and this particular one sounds a bit neurotic and tedious. Why is he even on Instagram at his age?

If you love him then try and chill and enjoy the relationship but you don't sound happy,

AirCloud Mon 10-Aug-20 07:00:46

Yes, I am. I’m included in most of the plans and have met his kids and friends. He doesn’t have much family, but I’ve met one cousin (and the friends who are like family to him).

OP’s posts: |
AirCloud Mon 10-Aug-20 07:05:10

Grobagsforever That’s a good point. I seem to keep going for these big age gaps. I did briefly date a couple of younger guys 5/6 years (I’m in my late 40s) but that went the other way and they were too immature.

Is there an age limit for Instagram? He uses it for his photography - but he is a big “ageless” about some things... young at heart, I guess is the term.

Think I need to try to chill and enjoy the relationship. I think I would prob be like this about any relationship, I doubt it’s him.

OP’s posts: |
Finewine1976 Mon 10-Aug-20 07:10:42

Morning. Why don't you comment on the pictures, say something like " this one was of my favourite locations with you"
Put heart eyes on there and say that this one of the many talents you love about him.
That way you're letting people know he's taken. It might make you feel a bit better too.

AirCloud Mon 10-Aug-20 07:22:07

Hi Finewine, I did wonder about doing this, but it seemed a bit pathetic!

OP’s posts: |
JorisBonson Mon 10-Aug-20 07:24:36

In the nicest possible way OP, social media really isn't the be all and end all.

I'd work on your insecurities around your relationship before worrying about whether there's a picture of the pair of you on the internet.

AirCloud Mon 10-Aug-20 07:26:16

Thanks, Joris.... yes, I think you’re right. I need to work on my insecurities...

OP’s posts: |
Grobagsforever Mon 10-Aug-20 07:34:32

@AirCloud well no there isn't an age limit for Instagram but it's a pretty vapid, immature place and I'd expect a man in his sixties (?) to have something better to do. But his life.

300XLTriColour Mon 10-Aug-20 07:34:45

If you’re late 40s how big is the actual age gap? They tend to decrease in importance as you get older.

I don’t understand how the things could be another family’s or his ex- wife’s? How much time does the other family spend in the second home? If you feel like you are a permanent part of his life, why not suggest that you both give the second home a tidy up. It sounds really slobbish if there’s old bottles of massage oil and spare sanpro belonging to someone else just sitting around. Or are they in drawers that you would reasonably like to use? Or are they in drawers that aren’t really your business?

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