Give me strength to leave her next week

(154 Posts)
Jack1964 Mon 10-Aug-20 03:09:23

Ok I have posted on here before under finally leaving my wife.
The short of my story is as follows.
Married 30 yrs, 2 children all grown up one in last year of college .
Relatively well off 2 homes and extra savings.
My wife is the controlling type always gets her way , looks after all savings and always makes the decisions .
We have a very successful business together of which I’m the main breadwinner.
Wife had a emotional affair last year and was ready to meet up with the man when I was outa town, well he broke it off last minute , the texts and photos sent to each other were rather graphic.
I have rented a place for a year starting Aug 1st 2020
I am planning on moving out on Aug 16 once my son goes back to college (I will be flying over there on the 28th Aug and I will take him out and explain our separation)
We did do some counseling after her affair but if truth be told I’ve probably wanted to leave this marriage for the last 10 years.
Anyway I just would like to keep my resolve on the 16th and finally leave her but I’m afraid it’s going to be to difficult as her behavior has become very nice and calm of late.
What can I do to give myself that final push out the door.

Thanks for reading

OP’s posts: |
LemmysAceCard Mon 12-Oct-20 11:10:48

Jack1964

So I left my wife 2 weeks ago.
We seem to be working amicably together in our joint business.
My wife is wanting reconciliation and is begging me to come back home.
She is using every trick in the book.
I feel so sorry for her but I really don’t want to go back.
I don’t want to hurt her anymore

Please dont go back to her. Feeling sorry for her and not wanting to hurt her are not valid reasons for you to go back.

You need to be strong and remember that this is what you want, you cant live a pretence by going back when you dont love her.

She will get over this, it will take some time but she will.

Good luck OP

SecondStageIgnition Mon 12-Oct-20 08:59:46

You sound like a good person.

Maybe if you describe the tricks she is using then we might be able to give you advice.

AlwaysCheddar Mon 12-Oct-20 06:23:36

Have you seen a solicitor yet? Sounds like she will get very angry and lash out when she realises you’re not going back.

Jack1964 Mon 12-Oct-20 03:25:26

So I left my wife 2 weeks ago.
We seem to be working amicably together in our joint business.
My wife is wanting reconciliation and is begging me to come back home.
She is using every trick in the book.
I feel so sorry for her but I really don’t want to go back.
I don’t want to hurt her anymore

OP’s posts: |
VivaMiltonKeynes Sun 06-Sep-20 11:52:53

HathorX

What a dreadful week for both of you. I feel for you, it must have been utterly exhausting and emotionally it is very hard to describe the shock, hollowness, distress, etc of a difficult break up. It passes and she will get over it and move on.

It is going to feel pretty strange living apart from her, and you might have a few moments of doubt about the path you have chosen. You might also feel elated, glum, optimistic, pessimistic - all sorts. Just ride it out.

I hope you manage to disentangle yourselves from the emotions to sort out the business side of sense sensibly and that she isnt obstructive or vindictive. That could get sticky. Have you got legal advice? And, Does she have a pension and do you? If you were relying on selling the business for part of your pension pot, this might need some thought.

Remember, if she gets hard cash and you get the prospect of making money through the business, it could be hard to evaluate who is getting the better side of the deal. Don't be too generous just because you feel guilty, but don't punish unduly for her sins either (remember that's effectively how WW2 started). Walk a fine line and try to be objective. Maybe BIL and SIL can help mediate things if it gets tough.

Good luck in the new apartment.

Remember, if she gets hard cash and you get the prospect of making money through the business, it could be hard to evaluate who is getting the better side of the deal. Don't be too generous just because you feel guilty, but don't punish unduly for her sins either (remember that's effectively how WW2 started). Walk a fine line and try to be objective. Maybe BIL and SIL can help mediate things if it gets tough

Fortunately the law doesn't work like this .

differentnameforthis Sun 06-Sep-20 11:38:34

@JinglingHellsBells Once again, I was objecting to your "doesn't she deserve a change to make it work"

Because no, no one who is abusive deserves a chance to make it work, because that means that the other person has to continue to be on the end of abuse.

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Bluetrews25 Sun 06-Sep-20 08:13:45

And she promised she would not try to change your mind in that week, didn't she? IIRC? Yeah, stuck to that one, didn't she? So don't expect her to keep away in future. And I still think a health scare is likely as it's a really common manipulative tactic.
Best wishes for future. It's your time now.

Tatatatata Sun 06-Sep-20 06:57:36

The double standards on here are disgusting. No woman would ever be questioned over her decision to 'scuttle away' or whether there is anything she has done to cause her husband's behaviour. No one would ever comment that they'd like to hear the husband's side of the story or call her spineless for feeling like she has to leave without warning for fear of being convinced to stay. It's shameful.

After 20 years of self sacrifice on my part and utter selfishness on his he was just gone when I got home from hospital off to live with the other woman

Yeah so nothing like the OPs situation then? Unless you're admitting that you controlled the finances and were a cheater?

Jack you didn't owe your wife a week, you didn't owe her an explanation or sit down, you didn't owe her a chance to work through it. She cheated on you. Cheating runs the risk that your partner will leave, she took that risk. The fact she has a vagina changes nothing about that.

I'm glad you're now leaving. I hope you manage to stick to your decision.

RAOK Sun 06-Sep-20 05:04:47

You can do this! You deserve to be happy. Enjoy your first day and night in your new place.

HathorX Sun 06-Sep-20 04:20:03

What a dreadful week for both of you. I feel for you, it must have been utterly exhausting and emotionally it is very hard to describe the shock, hollowness, distress, etc of a difficult break up. It passes and she will get over it and move on.

It is going to feel pretty strange living apart from her, and you might have a few moments of doubt about the path you have chosen. You might also feel elated, glum, optimistic, pessimistic - all sorts. Just ride it out.

I hope you manage to disentangle yourselves from the emotions to sort out the business side of sense sensibly and that she isnt obstructive or vindictive. That could get sticky. Have you got legal advice? And, Does she have a pension and do you? If you were relying on selling the business for part of your pension pot, this might need some thought.

Remember, if she gets hard cash and you get the prospect of making money through the business, it could be hard to evaluate who is getting the better side of the deal. Don't be too generous just because you feel guilty, but don't punish unduly for her sins either (remember that's effectively how WW2 started). Walk a fine line and try to be objective. Maybe BIL and SIL can help mediate things if it gets tough.

Good luck in the new apartment.

HM1984 Sun 06-Sep-20 04:16:48

Lol the last line of your latest post!!!

Although I almost guarantee she will be in touch so don't get your hopes up! You're in control of this and you know the saying "treat them mean to keep them keen", well it kind of rings true here as she probably doesn't see you need a clean break despite all the shit you've been through yourself.

Good luck Jack, I hope you find happiness in this new chapter of your life!

Jack1964 Sun 06-Sep-20 03:41:17

Finally leaving tomorrow,
I have had a weeks long of crying cajoling, begging and hysterics , anger lots of anger.
I stuck to my guns and I am finally going.
My wife has now told me to never set foot in the house again and she will never talk to me again.
Sounds good to me, hope she keeps her promise.

OP’s posts: |
JinglingHellsBells Sun 30-Aug-20 17:46:29

Sorry to see you're off @Eddiewasmyfavouritecharacter and apologies to Jack for the mini hijack.

PyongyangKipperbang Sun 30-Aug-20 17:42:11

She wont let you go that easily.

I have a friend who's ex is just like this and a year down the line is still refusing to stop asking things of him as if they are still a couple. Its not that she loves him, we are all fairly doubtful if she ever did tbh, its about contol. He is not allowed to have a life that she cannot control. He has started seeing someone and she has hit the roof and has now started with the rules about his new GF not being allowed to meet the kids, about him never mentioning the GF in front of them etc.....

Point is, be prepared that this shit wont stop when you move out.

Eddiewasmyfavouritecharacter Sun 30-Aug-20 17:27:56

Best of luck Jack. I’m exiting MN now. I hope the separation & divorce go ok.

KatherineJaneway Sun 30-Aug-20 16:24:58

She has promised not to try holding me back at the end of the week.

Don't believe her.

Eddiewasmyfavouritecharacter Sun 30-Aug-20 16:21:55

It was mentioned in the OP though which is quite recent?! It’s Jack’s business anyhow I guess!

AmICrazyorWhat2 Sun 30-Aug-20 16:15:19

Re. Jack’s flight to the US. It probably got cancelled by the airline. Loads have been cancelled this summer due to the pandemic and quarantine restrictions ( including mine☹️).

Eddiewasmyfavouritecharacter Sun 30-Aug-20 14:36:09

@Bluetrews25

Good gosh you know nothing about this woman — that’s a lot of assuming based on the scant information we have on her.

Bluetrews25 Sun 30-Aug-20 14:27:58

Jack, please be careful. You have told her you are leaving, but she has made you stay for a week. She will never adjust to her new reality while you are still there as nothing will have changed.
In the next week, there may well be a health scare crop up, or a feeble suicide attempt. Just to keep you.
Be careful.

Rowan10 Sun 30-Aug-20 13:11:24

Hi jack,
How are you feeling about things today after telling your wife ? It must have been an incredibly difficult conversation to have. I’m sure you are both hurting.
Are you having doubts ? Or are you 100% sure it’s the right decision for both of you.

Jack1964 Sun 30-Aug-20 12:11:09

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OP’s posts: |
DishingOutDone Sun 30-Aug-20 11:39:37

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JinglingHellsBells Sun 30-Aug-20 11:23:06

We have come to an agreement that I stay with her for the whole of next week so she can process and adjust to her new reality .

Really? Her new reality? Yours too, surely.

This is very odd. I think- and it's just me- if a man told me he wanted out, after 30 years, the last thing I'd ask for is a 'week' ( a fucking WEEK) to process it. I'd want him gone, there and then. I'd be distraught and not want him near me.

But, takes all sorts as they say.

JinglingHellsBells Sun 30-Aug-20 11:15:00

@Jack1964.

You're not in the US with your son as planned then? You said your flight was on the 28th. Maybe a change of plan?

You certainly need to see a good solicitor, or lawyer, because over all your posts (if I've got it right!) you have said you have three properties- a cottage, a house, a flat with a tenant in (who was going to be moved out for you- but that's not happened?)

I think it's going to take your wife far longer than a week to process it all.

What did she say? Is she happy for you to divorce?

Don't forget you will needs grounds for your divorce- in your previous posts you said you'd split everything in a year but you need legal advice. If you live apart you will have to have 2 years' apart or find other grounds for a divorce before the assets can be split.

I guess you might know all of this.

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