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Give me strength to leave her next week

(154 Posts)
Jack1964 Mon 10-Aug-20 03:09:23

Ok I have posted on here before under finally leaving my wife.
The short of my story is as follows.
Married 30 yrs, 2 children all grown up one in last year of college .
Relatively well off 2 homes and extra savings.
My wife is the controlling type always gets her way , looks after all savings and always makes the decisions .
We have a very successful business together of which I’m the main breadwinner.
Wife had a emotional affair last year and was ready to meet up with the man when I was outa town, well he broke it off last minute , the texts and photos sent to each other were rather graphic.
I have rented a place for a year starting Aug 1st 2020
I am planning on moving out on Aug 16 once my son goes back to college (I will be flying over there on the 28th Aug and I will take him out and explain our separation)
We did do some counseling after her affair but if truth be told I’ve probably wanted to leave this marriage for the last 10 years.
Anyway I just would like to keep my resolve on the 16th and finally leave her but I’m afraid it’s going to be to difficult as her behavior has become very nice and calm of late.
What can I do to give myself that final push out the door.

Thanks for reading

OP’s posts: |
FifteenToes Mon 10-Aug-20 03:17:43

Does she know you're leaving?

Jack1964 Mon 10-Aug-20 03:24:34

No, she would talk me out of it

OP’s posts: |
Gubbeen Mon 10-Aug-20 03:32:06

I don’t understand why you have not told your wife of 30 years that you are leaving her. If you checked out of the marriage mentally a decade ago surely you are way past the point of being ‘talked out of it’?

Bettysnow Mon 10-Aug-20 03:41:48

Just wondering why you have wanted to leave for the last ten yrs and why would she talk you out if it?

ProseccoGlass Mon 10-Aug-20 03:49:33

She doesn't need to know anything, her infidelity was her choosing to leave you but because it didn't work out, not by her choice, she stayed.
You don't owe her any explanation of what you do after that 30 years or 3 years married, surely she's not oblivious to the fact that she's ruined the marriage since her actions. Remember the reasons that's pushed you to go out and find your own place.

Sunflow Mon 10-Aug-20 04:05:40

I recently left my emotionally abusive husband after 20 years together and can relate as I had wanted to leave for a few years but didn't have the courage. I kept telling myself he would change, that things weren't bad enough to leave and the years went by.

Eventually I realised that my happiness is important too and I'm worth more than I was getting from him, that helped me to finally make the leap and stick with it.

Explain to her that what she did killed your marriage and you can't get past it. Remind yourself of her controlling ways and find someone who will treat you as an equal. You can do this but the first step will be hard.

Girlzroolz Mon 10-Aug-20 04:49:13

Well at least write a letter for her to find?

Her shock and grief will no doubt have a big impact on your kids, and likely other family members. You doing a flit in the night is a bit cowardly and not caring to those other people. Your wife (and employees, clients, etc) also deserve a bit of thought put into what will happen to the shared business once you detonate this separation.

Yes, the ‘getting away’ can be an important milestone to get through, but it’s not the whole thing. You’re scared, so you’re focussed on one bit. But it’s time to make a list of other important considerations and work through them. This separation will be long and complicated (they always are). Act in a way at the start, that will help everyone and set the scene for your behaviour going forward.

You can scuttle away however you like, but you’ve still got a lot of things to sort out, divide, explain and adjust to. Your wife (like it or not) will have a 50% say in her preferences as things proceed. Other people will also get involved, or be affected. May as well face that now. And maybe find a therapist for yourself now, so you have support to learn assertiveness and process the fall-out?

FenellaVelour Mon 10-Aug-20 05:38:58

Yet a woman is encouraged to leave a controlling and emotionally abusive man without telling him.

Drumple Mon 10-Aug-20 05:42:24

I don’t think it’s fair to miscall the op for wanting just to leave.

Many many women in abusive relationships do the same.

Op get your ducks in a row financially. Make sure you have important docs like passport and birth certificate if you can.

Good luck.

binkyblinky Mon 10-Aug-20 05:44:05

If you ever hope to be happy, you must do this for yourself. Don't think about anyone else, they will get over it in time. But if you delay or stay, you never will. Just make sure you find a good divorce solicitor!

Gubbeen Mon 10-Aug-20 05:45:25

Because a woman is at far more risk of DV when she leaves an abusive relationship. Nowhere does the OP suggest he’s at risk.

Drumple Mon 10-Aug-20 05:48:41

So he isn’t allowed to just leave, for fear of coercive control? Or don’t you think women can do that either?

Nandakanda Mon 10-Aug-20 05:55:57

Good for you.

Leave and don't look back. Sort out the details when you get your head straight.

Difference in reaction for a man is astonishing.

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit Mon 10-Aug-20 05:58:43

Do what is right for you - ignore some of the shit comments. A lot of posters on here just hate men full stop. Good luck to you x

Nikori Mon 10-Aug-20 06:00:38

Good luck!!

Maybe write a list of the reasons that you are leaving and keep it somewhere safe so you can re-read it whenever you need to. Everyone deserves happiness.

UnfinishedSymphon Mon 10-Aug-20 06:54:40

Scuttle away? You make it sound like he should be ashamed

Palavah Mon 10-Aug-20 06:59:09

Just re-read your post and remind yoruself why you're going.

Have you made arrangements for the continuity of the business if you aren't able to work together afterwards?

surlycurly Mon 10-Aug-20 07:01:36

The double standard here is quite shocking. Leave OP, you've done more than enough to try and keep this together. And I know exactly what you mean about having checked out 10 years before. I often say I should have left my failed marriage 5 yrs before, and it's true. Be prepared though, many people think leaving is the end of something, but it can just be the beginning of a different kind of misery. My advice is to get the divorce resolved as quickly as possible and be as fair as you can. Mine dragged out for years and my ex got more and more bitter and difficult the longer it went on. That said, I've not regretted divorcing the big idiot for one minute of one day since! Good luck with everything.

SteelyPanther Mon 10-Aug-20 07:05:16

If she’s gone calm it may be that she is planning on leaving you too.
Sounds like you’ve done the hard bit, just pack your bag and go.

GetThatHelmetOn Mon 10-Aug-20 07:18:36

Pack your bags and leave. If you both are so used at her calling the shots, I can assure you she won’t give you “permission to leave”, and all those years of conditioning living under a controlling person will stop you (if she ever agrees to have a conversation about it at all).

Just leave, talk later.

itsureis Mon 10-Aug-20 07:29:39

I'm not being flippant about saying this but get one of the MN possy, or a very good friend, to come and get you.
No questions asked, just rocks up, checks you're ok and helps with your bags.
I needed an army around me when I was moving and it was very much appreciated.

tableanadchairs Mon 10-Aug-20 07:41:45

If you have the place already OP can you start to move some of your important documents to your new place so that it won’t be such a mad dash next week.
You have made the first step and your goal is in sight. Are your DCs aware that you and your wife are not getting along or will this come as a complete shock to them?
good luck with your move.

pumpkinpie01 Mon 10-Aug-20 08:41:51

Make 2 lists - 1) benefits of the marriage 2) negatives. And keep reading it when you feel you will falter. Up to you whether you tell her or not but chances are you will end up telling her what you think of her /relationship at some point after the split so you could get the conversation over with now. At least you are prepared for her to try and persuade you to stay , so you can have your reasons ready. You sound very sure , please do not falter life is too short.

feelingfragile Mon 10-Aug-20 08:44:14

FenellaVelour

Yet a woman is encouraged to leave a controlling and emotionally abusive man without telling him.


Yes!

I don't understand the blatant double standards on here sometimes

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