Did I overreact

[Clementinewine]

Hi everyone. Opinions wanted thanks!

Basically we were watching something where the girlfriend on the show told the boyfriend she was going out in the morning to get a cup of coffee for him. My guy said something along the lines of how he would never get that from me.

I said jokingly oh do you want me to be your slave then, he replied did I want him to be my slave, this hurt a bit as he has previously thrown out in arguments that he has felt used. So, I wanted to talk about that. I said what do you mean, I never ask for anything from you, I know you have said you felt used before and it concerns me.

Basically it blew up into a huge argument where as usual I got told I couldn't take a joke, at the end we were sitting in silence for a while and I just said shall I go then (we don't live together) he said no, I said well are were going to talk then, he said in a really sarcastic tone "well go on then talk, what do you want to talk about".

Ultimately I got teary (as is often the case) and we argued some more and he was pretty much laughing at me even though I was upset. Then I left.

He has been moody this weekend, said he was "low" so I almost expected we would argue.

I don't know I guess I did overreact. I just hate how everything is always me being unable to take a joke, me being too sensitive, and whenever I want to discuss something serious these days or I show I am annoyed he says I am going on and on, I admit maybe I do sometimes, but he has started just saying he is sick of my shit, or fed up with it, or whatever. So I am tired of that too. Thanks.

[Aussiebean]

Are you actually happy in this relationship?

[pog100]

For God's sake, why waste time and energy on a relationship like this? They are supposed to enrich your life. It sounds like you don't have children with him or financial entanglements. Just split and find someone you can enjoy a weekend with.

[Clementinewine]

Admittedly I was the one that got upset first and probably triggered the argument, as I got annoyed by him saying I wanted him to be my slave, and probably didn't explain as well as I should have at that particular moment why I was hurt and why I wanted to talk more as I said above, I let my annoyance and hurt take hold. Then the argument developed from that.

I know it seems ridiculous written up. I guess it is all me overreacting and being too sensitive as usual after all.

[Clementinewine]

Yes, I know you are right. We are ok for a few weeks and then have a massive argument. Sometimes my fault yes, sometimes his. But ultimately everything always seems to be blamed on me in one way or another, lately it has been the reason that I just want to go on and on about something.

[SoulofanAggron]

I would say he is emotionally/verbally abusive. Pretending to be joking and having a dig at you, then saying you 'can't take a joke' or are 'too sensitive' is a favourite tactic of abusers.

'Sick of your shit' etc- I don't think you should stay involved with someone who talks to you that way OP. It's not respectful or considering your feelings and you deserve respect.

I would block him, sending him a message saying why you are doing it if you like, but block him immediately after so you don't have to read a tirade of abuse. Or just block him.

[Ludoole]

I feel this. Its him. Not you. Learning to my detriment.

[Clementinewine]

I know, I have always known. I just wish I could say to him, do you know what, you are Mr Perfect, you are borderline abusive and he are the reasons why.

But obviously that would anger him further and it would all be twisted onto me. I know I'm not perfect but still.

I think that it is one of the things I am most down about this evening. There is so much I wish I could say to him but what is the point. He won't listen and will just get angry. Oh well as we haven't spoken /messaged since then I guess I'll just leave it. Presumably he is waiting for me to apologise as is usually the case.

[Clementinewine]

*you are NOT Mr Perfect, obviously, haha!!!

[Regularsizedrudy]

Too much hard work. Dump.

[backseatcookers]

Oh god please end this relationship. A few weeks of ok followed by a bust up, on repeat, is not a healthy relationship. Honestly, you could waste years of your life on a relationship like this because you think it's 'ok' for a few weeks at a time. That's no way to live. Your partner should be someone you have fun with, laugh with, you don't even live together yet this is the easy bit! Stop trying to push water uphill and move on, I promise you won't regret it!

[Clementinewine]

I know. I do love him though ☹️

He just makes me feel like it is all me, and maybe it is. Maybe I'm too argumentative and sensitive etc etc. Or maybe I'm just supposed to take the jokes and never mention when something has bothered me or when I want to discuss something serious.

[Notredamn]

You could've just said 'no you won't get that from me' or 'I will when you will' or rolled your eyes.
Instead you jumped to asking him if he wanted you to be his** slave. When he said the exact thing back to you, you were hurt even though you'd just said it to him. Then came tears.

Honestly I would just finish it. Far too much hard work.

[cringeworthit]

Least said soonest mended is sometimes the best way.

From what you have written, it looks like you do seem to want to analyse everything by talking about it with him. Sometimes that works. Sometimes it is like picking a scab - it's not going to make things better, it will make it worse.

Perhaps you're just not suited?

[JengaNonConfirming]

You say you love him, why? What positives does he bring to your life?

Perhaps tell him you'd be happier if he wasn't such a crap shag.......... Joke!!! See how he likes it.

[Spinachfinger]

I dunno. On the face of it, it just sounds like bad communication. To be fair, if there were no underlying issues, him saying "I would never get that from you" could have easily been laughed off. But there are obviously underlying issues, so either be honest with each other and see what you can do about them, or separate.

[backseatcookers]

It really, really, really isn't this hard I'm a healthy relationship. I promise you. It really isn't.

[Clementinewine]

I know, I agree. I don't know why I jumped to saying the slave thing. I just didn't like his comment and I guess I should've just laughed it off but I am not used to having a partner that makes comments or "jokes" like that.

I guess perhaps I do want to talk too much, it's just we never seem to talk about anything serious, and we never resolve anything. Arguments are never resolved, the expectation is just to forget them and resume as usual, sometimes after a period of silence, and I just thought it was healthy to be able to discuss things more.

[Spinachfinger]

@cringeworthit

Least said soonest mended is sometimes the best way.

From what you have written, it looks like you do seem to want to analyse everything by talking about it with him. Sometimes that works. Sometimes it is like picking a scab - it's not going to make things better, it will make it worse.

Perhaps you're just not suited?

Absolutely this. Maybe he was teasing, and wanted a light hearted joke and he got a serious talk instead.

[TeddyBeans]

My ex did this...wind me up with stupid shit then tell me that it was a joke and I needed to lighten up. It's not fun, I'm pretty sure it's a form of gaslighting and you're better off without him OP

[Aquamarine1029]

What an absolute shit relationship. Aren't you tired of all this childish bullshit already? You love him? What's to love?

Give your head a wobble and raise your standards.

[Spinachfinger]

Arguments are never resolved, the expectation is just to forget them and resume as usual

And therein lies the heart of the issue. Just ask.ig you can have an honest chat OP. No distractions, just an open honest chat. Maybe somewhere neutral. Tell him how you feel issues are never resolved after an argument. See what he says. Has he given you examples of why and how he feels used? He should be able to voice this to you. So just ask for a proper talk and clear the air.

[Spinachfinger]

Ask him*

[Clementinewine]

I know, the advice is half and half, maybe he was just teasing and wanting a joke, or maybe there was no need for it and it wasn't fair for him to stay I can't take a joke.

I know he thinks I am not light hearted enough. But I have had previous abusive relationships and am constantly on alert for dickheads and probably do analyse too much sometimes. Also it was him that was in a bad mood in the first place this weekend and it kind of spoilt the evening for me yesterday!

Ahh whatever I guess either way it is a lost cause.

[pog100]

You aren't listening to the responses here, OP. Everyone is trying you that there is no point trying to analyse if you overreacted or he did, bla bla. This is a shit relationship. You should not remain in it. It will only get worse. I'm so annoyed with the "but I do love him" responses here, it's just ridiculous. I'm sorry.

[WhiteVixen]

I just thought it was healthy to be able to discuss things more

It is. Which is why it is clear that this is not a healthy relationship. He sounds like a dick. Why would you waste your love on someone who can make you feel like this? Are you not worth more? You wouldn’t drink a cup of tea if someone handed it to you and said it’s got 5% shit in it. So why accept such a relationship? It is absolutely not your fault. He is a nasty piece of work and you will end up so ground down you won’t even recognise yourself. Get out now while you’re not tied to him.