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What do I do?

9 replies

Ludoole · 09/08/2020 20:07

I've been with my partner 4 and a half years following the death of my husband. I love my partner more than I've ever loved anyone.
I spend my weekends with him.
This weekend he has barely spoken to me which culminated in an argument earlier today. I sat in the garden upset and he came out after speaking to his son and hugged me and we cried together. I did ask him what he wanted (from the relationship) and he said he can't have what he wants... turns out he was referring to his ex wife who passed away. ..
I dont know how to feel. I've told him I won't be 2nd best. The best of it is he was divorced from her (his choice) and hes been in other relationships since the divorce and before me.
I dont know what to do. I feel like my heart has been torn out. Just feel empty. Do I stay or do I go?
I rarely mention my late husband to him and we were very much in love when he died. I have found a way to move on. Why can't he?? He wasn't even with her!!

OP posts:

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Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2020 20:10

You need to leave him, op. Immediately. He is not, and will never be, emotionally available to you. I'm very sorry, but it's over.

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Oopsiedaisyy · 09/08/2020 20:12

Yup, it's done. Or your destroy yourself trying to win his love and be enough

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Ludoole · 09/08/2020 20:22

Thats what I feared. Thank you. I needed to hear it. The moment he said it i went dead inside. Cannot feel anything anymore. Thank you for your honesty.

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Oopsiedaisyy · 09/08/2020 20:33

Its horrible, I'm sorry.

And one day he'll realise what he was too blind to see.

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Ludoole · 09/08/2020 20:42

I hope so. I'm broken.

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Sundaypolodog · 09/08/2020 20:43

So sorry to read this. My DH and myself were both widowed. My first marriage had fizzled our before dh became ill and subsequently died. My now DH has a happy marriage and although he says he loves me but in a different way to his first wife I can't help feeling like 2nd best in many many ways - he would tell me this isn't the case at all. We have a very good loving marriage in-spite of the spectre of the first wife.

Your DH seems uncertain of what he wants and as you say, he was divorced from her. Perhaps he's grieving for how it could have been the if they'd not divorced. He needs to decide whether he wants to be with you or an idea of what he thinks it could have been with his first wife.

If he wants you in his life then he needs to treat you with the respect you deserve. If he can't give you this then you should move on as it will only cause you you pain and it will etch away at your self esteem

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sweetbirdofjuice · 09/08/2020 20:43

I'm afraid I agree with the others OP. If that's how he feels then there's nothing you can do to compete with someone no longer here.

The only thing might be if she has only just died and it's a shock for him having to support the children, feeling guilt and nostalgia and other complex emotions. Even then, I could walk away. If he comes to you to reassure and apologise then you can consider what he has to say.

Only suggesting this as it sounds like he is speaking out of character if he ended the marriage and has long since moved on.

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Bloodylush · 09/08/2020 20:44

Time to leave it sorry.

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Ludoole · 09/08/2020 21:03

She's been gone over 2 years. His kids (17, 25,28 ) and the grandchildren have a great relationship with me. It will be harder to lose them. Just broken....