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I think husband is having an emotional affair

(27 Posts)
Blossomhill123 Sun 09-Aug-20 16:34:43

I knew about his lady friend at work for sometime,thought it was nice for him to have an Allie because his management job was stressful - she was also a manager so someone who understood the pressures.
She left the job 2 months ago & they talk every week on the phone & text .
I found out he has been inviting her to Xmas drinks etc (they are not in the same department) .
He has been lying about his contact with here . He went as far to say she was a sales rep when someone tagged him on Facebook with her at his side,
He’s also lied about the phone calls since she left the company .
When I confronted him ( when he was drunk ) he said he wouldn’t cheat with another women as he hasn’t got the confidence to & If he wasn’t married to me he would ask her out .
I feel like shit about this .
What’s your opinions please .

OP’s posts: |
CarlyReyes Sun 09-Aug-20 16:47:09

Lying about contact is never a good sign but he could be doing this as he knows you’re uncomfortable with the friendship and doesn’t want to end it.

What other evidence do you have that this friendship is inappropriate or there are romantic feelings involved?

slidingdrawers Sun 09-Aug-20 16:48:23

Doesn't sound like an EA to me.

Blossomhill123 Sun 09-Aug-20 17:06:47

Thanks I was hoping someone would say that .

OP’s posts: |
SummerWhisper Sun 09-Aug-20 17:25:24

if he wasn't married to me he would ask her out
So he has admitted that he fancies her, has lied about his contact with her, has lied about her status in his professional circle and he has already weighed up whether or not he has the confidence to have an affair with her. His thoughts are clearly all about her.

Are you going to ask him to cut contact? I think it's a reasonable request, given that he is investing time in a romantic relationship outside of your marriage.

Blossomhill123 Sun 09-Aug-20 17:27:43

CarlyReyes

Lying about contact is never a good sign but he could be doing this as he knows you’re uncomfortable with the friendship and doesn’t want to end it.

What other evidence do you have that this friendship is inappropriate or there are romantic feelings involved?

I think the fact that he has constantly lied about her .
It sounds like they spent a lot of time going for coffee also him inviting her out to the works drinks ( he works in an all male department) .
He then lied about them contacting each other after she left.
Something feels wrong but maybe if just paranoid.

OP’s posts: |
Blossomhill123 Sun 09-Aug-20 17:38:22

SummerWhisper

*if he wasn't married to me he would ask her out*
So he has admitted that he fancies her, has lied about his contact with her, has lied about her status in his professional circle and he has already weighed up whether or not he has the confidence to have an affair with her. His thoughts are clearly all about her.

Are you going to ask him to cut contact? I think it's a reasonable request, given that he is investing time in a romantic relationship outside of your marriage.

Yes I have asked him to cut contact a few times and he finally has but only after I have experienced a mental health crisis over this issue .
I think he really liked her & im gutted about that .
Now I feel like I’m not enough for him anymore.

OP’s posts: |
vegansprinkle Sun 09-Aug-20 17:47:24

What is your gut instinct telling you?

Blossomhill123 Sun 09-Aug-20 17:57:48

vegansprinkle

What is your gut instinct telling you?

I think he has feelings for her - too many lies .
I have never had any reason to accuse him before.
He offered to move out when I had a crisis over it.
He offered to pay our mortgage too .

OP’s posts: |
ShellsAndSunrises Sun 09-Aug-20 18:02:30

*He offered to move out when I had a crisis over it.
He offered to pay our mortgage too .*

Did you mention him leaving, or did he?
If he bought it up, I’d be concerned that he’s got one foot out of the door already.
I’m so sorry.

TwentyViginti Sun 09-Aug-20 18:03:57

He offered to move out when I had a crisis over it.
He offered to pay our mortgage too

Sounds like he wants to be free to pursue a relationship with this woman.

Blossomhill123 Sun 09-Aug-20 18:09:35

TwentyViginti

*He offered to move out when I had a crisis over it*.
He offered to pay our mortgage too

Sounds like he wants to be free to pursue a relationship with this woman.

I wish he would just say that .

OP’s posts: |
PebblesE Sun 09-Aug-20 18:22:52

I think I’m a few months down the line from something similar except that I found evidence of three/four weeks of message history between them being extremely flirtatious.
I think she was just a part of his mid life crisis. She’s not in his work place anymore and he says he got swept along with her attention but never fancied her. If logistics had been easier though, he’d definitely have slept with her so I’m not defending him at all. He was a monumental dick.
I don’t feel threatened by her but what I’m just about to finally decide concretely on, is that I can’t forgive him for it and that I won’t trust him with my feelings again. It’s not at all what I want after a decade of marriage and two dcs but he’s broken it all so much and made me deeply insecure about any future together.
I’m sorry I can’t be more positive but I don’t know how you can love the same way again knowing they’ve betrayed you.
I’ve tried and all I’ve done for 6 months is go round in circles.

Blossomhill123 Sun 09-Aug-20 18:45:57

PebblesE

I think I’m a few months down the line from something similar except that I found evidence of three/four weeks of message history between them being extremely flirtatious.
I think she was just a part of his mid life crisis. She’s not in his work place anymore and he says he got swept along with her attention but never fancied her. If logistics had been easier though, he’d definitely have slept with her so I’m not defending him at all. He was a monumental dick.
I don’t feel threatened by her but what I’m just about to finally decide concretely on, is that I can’t forgive him for it and that I won’t trust him with my feelings again. It’s not at all what I want after a decade of marriage and two dcs but he’s broken it all so much and made me deeply insecure about any future together.
I’m sorry I can’t be more positive but I don’t know how you can love the same way again knowing they’ve betrayed you.
I’ve tried and all I’ve done for 6 months is go round in circles.

I’m having difficulty trusting him - I’m so paranoid it’s making me feel physicall Ill.

OP’s posts: |
Oopsiedaisyy Sun 09-Aug-20 18:51:44

Well, I can understand why he didn't move out, you had a mental health crisis. He wouldn't want to make that worse by leaving.

Angrymum22 Sun 09-Aug-20 18:52:04

Had something similar with DH over lockdown. Got a bit carried away with Facebook attention. He’s old school so social media is all a bit new and I do not think he really saw it the way I did. Anyway he’s stopped contact, unfortunately OW appears to be semi stalking him now. He is very upfront with her attempts to get his attention. It’s all very teenage type behaviour however she’s in her 50s. I always thought women grew out of that sort of behaviour obviously not.
To be fair it has meant we have had to talk and pick it all apart but we are back on track. I think he was surprised how quickly I noticed the signs, also he knew instantly that I’d found out so maybe we hadn’t drifted as far as we’d thought.
I learnt many years ago that communication is key for a long term relationship and complacency kills a marriage. Men have delicate egos and if you don’t pay attention someone else will. They really are the weaker sex.

MsDogLady Sun 09-Aug-20 19:06:51

I’m sorry that he has abused your trust, Blossom.

You were glad that he had a supportive work friend, but this is not platonic. Their level of contact, his secrecy and lies, his admitted attraction to her, and his dismissal of your boundaries/feelings all point to (at the least) an emotional affair. I wouldn’t trust that he has cut contact for good.

He has destabilized your relationship and you feel physically sick with anxiety. Are you in a position to show him the door or to leave yourself?

Blossomhill123 Sun 09-Aug-20 19:27:27

MsDogLady

I’m sorry that he has abused your trust, Blossom.

You were glad that he had a supportive work friend, but this is not platonic. Their level of contact, his secrecy and lies, his admitted attraction to her, and his dismissal of your boundaries/feelings all point to (at the least) an emotional affair. I wouldn’t trust that he has cut contact for good.

He has destabilized your relationship and you feel physically sick with anxiety. Are you in a position to show him the door or to leave yourself?

I am not working at the moment due to depression.

OP’s posts: |
heartache590 Sun 09-Aug-20 19:30:13

It is tough to support someone with depression. Raise it with your own therapist. The man needs to talk to someone. This isnt the right approach.

year5teacher Sun 09-Aug-20 19:33:54

I wouldn’t call this an EA. Perhaps a crush, which to be honest is pretty natural. He needs to catch himself before it goes any further though, or it will be in EA territory.

CarlyReyes Sun 09-Aug-20 19:59:41

Nobody on here can tell whether this is an EA or not, OP.

None of us (including you) know the full extent of this. They could be completely in love with each other and expressing their feelings every day etc.
It could just be a close friendship that’s totally harmless.

Bosekct Sun 09-Aug-20 21:01:39

I think it is usual in life to be attracted to other people over a long period of time even if married. I have had 2/3 serious attractions over the years and could have seen myself in relationships with some of these people but as I was married I didn’t pursue anything and I think they were at times when I wasn’t happy so almost a distraction from the monotony of life.

Hearing the words though must be difficult.

Going forward though he can’t be friends with someone he is attracted to. That is dangerous territory so he needs to understand. You can come back from it though if he accepts that and closes that door.

Onlythepiratesarefree Sun 09-Aug-20 21:04:12

I’m two years down the line from finding out about a (very complex) emotional affair.

It’s tough, op because people in general don’t seem to put as much weight on a betrayal that didn’t involve sex, whereas I don’t believe it’s any less painful.

Be kind to yourself and take your time in making a decision re what it is you want and where you go here. You need to carefully consider whether the r not you will ever be able to trust him again. But only you can decide that flowers

Crystalspider Sun 09-Aug-20 21:13:19

if he wasn't married to me he would ask her out

He fancies her, she's left the job and still in touch, to me this seems a mutual attraction sorry. If it hasn't already, it's going to end up a mess. I would ask him out of respect for you to end it and start inviting you out instead.

PebblesE Mon 10-Aug-20 06:57:09

@Onlythepiratesarefree

I’m two years down the line from finding out about a (very complex) emotional affair.

Are you still together? I’m curious how you managed to move forward. It’s something time isn’t helping with for me after 6 months 🤯

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