Talk

Advanced search

Suddenly dropped by a longstanding friend

(25 Posts)
Newname21 Sat 08-Aug-20 17:13:30

I'm a MN regular but have namechanged for this as it is quite outing.

I've been friends with X since uni for 25 years and we've been through a lot together. I always considered her one of my closest friends, and I naively assumed we would be friends forever.

X's dh runs a business selling secondhand cars of all different types. We have bought a couple of cars from him over the years, as we wanted to support him. I don't think the business is doing that well, which may be relevant. Anyway in Jaunary we bought a used car from another dealership as we wanted a specific make which X's dh doesn't specialise in. I knew this might be a problem, so I met X to tell her what we'd done as I didn't want her to hear it from a third party. She wasn't happy, but I explained our reasons and even apologized and I thought she had reluctantly accepted the situation.

Since then, she has basically ghosted me: hasn't replied to texts and won't take my phone calls. A mutual friend has confirmed she is furious with me for "doubting her dh's professionalism".

I feel really hurt and shocked by this. Does anyone have any advice? Do I just have to accept the friendship is over and move on?

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Sat 08-Aug-20 17:18:10

I don't think this woman was ever a true friend to you in reality. For her to throw away a friendship over such a trivial matter is ridiculous, and yes, the friendship is over. I'm sorry.

VictoriaBun Sat 08-Aug-20 17:22:15

I think your friend X is being quite childish and perhaps by you not pandering to her ridiculousness will give her time to realise this.

Fanthorpe Sat 08-Aug-20 17:23:02

That’s extraordinary. She’s being weird, but I’m not even sure why you felt the need to explain to her what you were doing.

I think you can text her, if you want and say you’re sorry she doesn’t want to be friends, but honestly I’m not sure I’d be chasing it.

Fanthorpe Sat 08-Aug-20 17:24:18

Although the mutual friend should have kept out of it.

blacktop Sat 08-Aug-20 17:25:07

Do I just have to accept the friendship is over and move on?

Yes. The mere fact that you felt you had to explain your car buying choice to her to the point of apology indicates the lack of balance in the friendship. Tbh you are well rid.

Molly500 Sat 08-Aug-20 17:34:59

I think I'd send a final message to let her know the door is open of she ever wants to speak. I wouldn't normally be such a doormat, but I'd rather give a long standing friend a second chance just in case she has financial issues which may have been the underlying cause.

Newname21 Sat 08-Aug-20 22:07:19

Hmmm, that kind of confirms what I thought. Thanks for your replies.

Blacktop, I like your comment about the lack of balance in the friendship, I think that says it all really. Very sad to lose a longstanding friendship over something so ridiculous, but I will try to move on.

OP’s posts: |
bakedoff Sun 09-Aug-20 06:45:07

You met to explain to her about the car? You shouldn’t have done that. It’s none of her business what car you drive. You aren’t obliged to buy from her husband. It’s up to you what car you drive! She’s not worth any more effort

SeaEagleFeather Sun 09-Aug-20 09:08:23

what a trivial reason to end a friendship (her not you)

mcmooberry Sun 09-Aug-20 09:59:58

Absurd that she expected you to buy all your cars from her DH in the first place. Maybe you should have been more casual when you told her, meeting an apologising possibly made her feel she had the upper hand.

SummerWhisper Sun 09-Aug-20 10:14:46

You don't owe her husband's business a thing and she is treating you as though you do. It's not a friendship, but she seems to have viewed it as a transactional relationship and you have broken the contract. flowers

Newname21 Sun 09-Aug-20 10:22:19

Exactly SummerWhisper, I thought it was a friendship but maybe in her eyes we were just useful to her as potential customers for her dh. 25 years though! It makes me feel quite used.

OP’s posts: |
baileys6904 Sun 09-Aug-20 10:28:37

Whilst I agree in general with PP, if the business is struggling and they could be falling behind on bills, it will sting that you didn't support them, as far as they're concerned. Maybe they're massively in debt and stressed to the max. Perhaps send her a message asking why and saying the door will be open and how hurt you are that your friendship has been affected.

blacktop Sun 09-Aug-20 11:32:12

baileys6904

Whilst I agree in general with PP, if the business is struggling and they could be falling behind on bills, it will sting that you didn't support them, as far as they're concerned. Maybe they're massively in debt and stressed to the max. Perhaps send her a message asking why and saying the door will be open and how hurt you are that your friendship has been affected.



None of this is OP's responsibility and really is irrelevant to the situation.

SeaEagleFeather Sun 09-Aug-20 12:36:59

I'm not sure the friendship could ever be the same though. The OP would always have it in the back of her mind that things are just a bit fragile, and her friend thinks the OP owes her something.

SerendipityJane Sun 09-Aug-20 16:17:41

Very sad to lose a longstanding friendship over something so ridiculous,

but have you ? I'd view it as dumping a dead weight. You should feel lighter.

CoraPirbright Sun 09-Aug-20 16:25:01

I would be furious at this!! I think I would have to message her:
“Mutual friend has confirmed that you are angry with me about buying the new car. This has absolutely nothing to do with your husband’s professional abilities - simply because he doesn’t deal in Mazda’s (or whatever) and that is the specific car we wanted. I find it extraordinary that you are willing to throw away 25 years of friendship over something so trivial and now wonder if all I was to you was a source of income for husbands business. You may feel angry but I am hurt and offended by your attitude. What a terrible shame.”

user1493413286 Sun 09-Aug-20 16:29:44

She’s being ridiculous; my DH is a mechanic and some of my friends take their cars to him and some don’t. I don’t expect anyone to justify their decisions to me and it’s not something that would occur to me to hold against someone or even think much about in all honesty.

Raidblunner Sun 09-Aug-20 20:52:27

Well first of all your not obliged to buy anything off your friend, what you purchase and where you purchase it from is your business. One would have to question her integrity with regard to your friendship? It's surely not built on your return business with her, if it is it's not a friendship of any merit. I had a so called friend that had a 'heart event' and had to have a stent fitted and was told to have 2 weeks off work. I went straight round to visit him the next day and offered any assistance he and his wife needed. Fast forward 12 months I discovered I had a birth defect on my heart and had to have major open heart surgery. I was off work for 16 weeks and needed a lot of help in the first few weeks after leaving hospital which was difficult as I live on my own. Lots of people helped me out with a number of things. I heard nothing from my long standing friend, no visit whilst in hospital or after. 7 months later he sends me a random txt saying "Hi Mate heard your all fixed now hope your well'
What an absolute disappointment after years of helping & supporting him....suffice to say after 20 years he's no friend of mine.

IncandescentSilver Sun 09-Aug-20 20:58:47

So basically the friendship evolved from a true friendship into one which was all about money. Thats what it boils down to. Hurtful and very shoddy behaviour on her part. People can be in all sorts of dire financial straits and still do the right thing.

Newname21 Sun 09-Aug-20 22:55:07

Thanks for all your comments, I think you are right sadly and it wasn't a real friendship in her eyes ultimately, more of something she could gain from financially. I also think baileys6904 is probably right that the business is in big trouble financially (even more so now after lockdown) and that this is at the root of her anger.

OP’s posts: |
sitckmansladylove Sun 09-Aug-20 22:59:22

This is awful. I think I would let her know that you feel used and hurt that were you only potential customers. 25 years is such a long time to be friends.

LonginesPrime Sun 09-Aug-20 23:30:50

I knew this might be a problem, so I met X to tell her what we'd done as I didn't want her to hear it from a third party

The fact that you anticipated her behaving like this and the lengths you went to to avoid her unreasonable reaction suggest a more long-term lack of emotional maturity and boundary issues on her part - it doesn't sound like it was a balanced friendship even before this since you have to navigate her volatile emotions like this.

Be glad she's ghosted you, but be prepared for her to get in touch when she realises you're not begging for forgiveness any more. The fact you apologised to her for buying a car suggests she's accustomed to your bending over backwards to accommodate her emotional fragility so she might pop up again once she realises you're done with her.

Enough4me Sun 09-Aug-20 23:40:48

Perhaps she only kept in contact because you were a potential customer, perhaps she is really busy as the business and her marriage is falling apart, perhaps she has developed amnesia...actually the only truths you currently have is that you anticipated anger from her, which she showed, and she does not seem keen to contact you now.

Her behaviour tells you everything you need to know. You should move on with your life and prioritise people who prioritise you.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in