Advanced search

I don't get why he didn't just say no?

(30 Posts)
bathsh3ba Sat 08-Aug-20 10:14:53

Will try not to drip feed. My ex and I separated six years ago, divorced two years ago. Have 2 children. He is autistic, diagnosed after we split up. Messy break up but these days we get on okay and co-parent pretty effectively.

In recent months I had started to reconsider whether we should try again. We are both different people to when we split up, more mature, more sensible. It would be a hell of a lot of work but maybe it would be worth a try. I haven't dated anyone recently and he hadn't mentioned dating anyone.

So I sent him an email (because that's usually the best way to bring up new topics with him, he finds it easier to process things that way) just saying how would he feel about opening a discussion on possibly reconciling.

Anyway, he took about a week to reply and basically he said 'Maybe. But I'm kind of seeing someone, it's not serious but I can't really think about it now.' And I don't get it. As far as I'm concerned, if he's seeing someone, however serious or not serious, he's off limits so that's that but it is bugging me that he didn't just say no. Am I missing something?

We each have our own homes and are settled and I made it clear I was opening a discussion, not inviting him back in to my home or bed. So I don't think he's trying to get the best of both worlds. Or is he just being literal in that he isn't saying it's never a possibility but it isn't now?

OP’s posts: |
Looneytune253 Sat 08-Aug-20 10:18:49

Maybe he didn't want to be too harsh and wasn't completely opposed to the idea. Give him a cpl of weeks to process the info that you might want to get back together and he might have a more definite answer for you

category12 Sat 08-Aug-20 10:19:34

It is a no, it's a "soft" no, but it's a no nevertheless.

If you want to be fall-back option, then keep the door open, but I think you'd be better off trying to date new people.

I don't think it's a good plan to go back to a relationship where you "get on okay" and it would be "a hell of a lot of work". Why not look for something nice and fun and easy instead?

Rainbowqueeen Sat 08-Aug-20 10:21:01

Agree with @category12.

Aussiebean Sat 08-Aug-20 10:22:50

I read that as a no as well. He was just letting you down gently.

Dery Sat 08-Aug-20 10:27:18

His response sounds fair to me, tbh. You've been split 6 years and your suggestion to reconcile probably took him by surprise. I can see why he might want time to think about it. The fact that he is seeing someone right now - well, that might change, particularly if he thinks a reconciliation with you is possible. Also, if you're serious about trying to reconcile, I don't think this is something you can put on the table and whip off again immediately unless you have changed your mind about wanting to try again.

Rosebel Sat 08-Aug-20 10:27:22

I think he's trying to let you down gently. Or he's keeping you hanging incase his new,relationship doesn't work out. Either way I wouldn't go back to a relationship that needs a lot of work.

Dery Sat 08-Aug-20 10:27:49

"I don't think it's a good plan to go back to a relationship where you "get on okay" and it would be "a hell of a lot of work". Why not look for something nice and fun and easy instead?"

That, too.

TwentyViginti Sat 08-Aug-20 10:28:44

Another agreeing with category12.

user1294625849274 Sat 08-Aug-20 10:31:45

I don't think it's a good plan to go back to a relationship where you "get on okay" and it would be "a hell of a lot of work". Why not look for something nice and fun and easy instead?

I too am struggling to understand why you would think that a good idea, op.

Drivingdownthe101 Sat 08-Aug-20 10:34:31

Sounds like he’s keeping you as a back up option. His relationship isn’t currently serious... he’s hedging his bets and waiting to see what happens with it.
Sounds like a bad idea anyway. You ‘get on ok’... doesn’t sound like the recipe for happy ever after to be honest.

Alfiemoon1 Sat 08-Aug-20 10:36:54

It’s either a soft no not wanting to hurt your feelings or he’s seeing how his new relationship works out before giving you an answer

Nanny0gg Sat 08-Aug-20 10:37:31

Why are you even considering it?

bathsh3ba Sat 08-Aug-20 10:38:03

I'm not sure I believe any relationship is really easy and fun. In the beginning maybe but not when real life kicks in. And in all those years I've only met one guy I thought might have been worth the effort and he wasn't interested. So maybe working at something that does have good elements is better than endlessly looking for Mr Right?

Anyway, I won't say any more to him now. He can come back to me if he changes his mind from 'maybe'. I feel kind of sorry for the girlfriend though, if I was dating someone I'd be pretty upset if he said 'maybe' to his ex-wife. Though I guess it's partly the autistic straightforwardness.

OP’s posts: |
Drumple Sat 08-Aug-20 10:38:22

He’s letting you down gently.

Or it’s shocked him and he needs time to process it.

user1294625849274 Sat 08-Aug-20 10:40:01

That's a bit sad.

Bloomburger Sat 08-Aug-20 10:41:15

Your relationship didn't work, you are both better, different people because you are not dealing with that in a daily basis, you won't magically get on in a way you didn't before now.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo Sat 08-Aug-20 10:47:57

I’d say a maybe from an autistic person is exactly what it sounds like ‘maybe’. Not right now but the seed is planted and if the current thing doesn’t work out he’ll give it more thought. Don’t really understand why you’re keen on the idea though.

MashedSpud Sat 08-Aug-20 10:54:46

It’s a no.

Your marriage ended because you didn’t work as a couple. Trying a second time around won’t produce different results.

category12 Sat 08-Aug-20 11:02:35

Really, you want to be fallback girl?

Relationships shouldn't be hard work - yes, you sometimes have to "work on them" - but if it's hard work all the time, it's not right. I presume you're anticipating being the only one to do the hard graft and adapting to his autism?

Even if Mr Right isn't out there for you, wouldn't you be better off learning to be happy on your own, in your own skin than signing up for a lifetime of not having your needs met by someone you know already is Mr Wrong?

Shinyletsbebadguys Sat 08-Aug-20 11:06:08

I think if his autistic maybe meant exactly that. He may have started a new relationship and not be sure where it is going. You've put it to him in an almost pragmatic way so if he is already in a relationship and its early days it's fair to say he basically needs to see where it is going. If it doesn't,t work then he may be open to discussing it.

Its not like he is leading you on and given the surprise of it after this long I can absolutely understand the response

GabsAlot Sat 08-Aug-20 11:32:41

messy break up stands out for me-why did you break up dont forgt all those reasons

melanie griffiths /don johnson got back together didnt work out same for liz taylor/richard burton

you usually split for a good reason

BlueJava Sat 08-Aug-20 11:36:32

I would take that as a no, but he is trying to be nice. If he was up for you getting back together the fact that he is seeing someone casually (if he is) would not be a problem. Please don't forget why you split up in the first place!

Dery Sat 08-Aug-20 11:45:16

"I'm not sure I believe any relationship is really easy and fun. In the beginning maybe but not when real life kicks in."

Actually, a relationship that's right for you should be easy and fun. Even when real life kicks in. Sure you're going through the daily grind together and that can feel a bit ... grinding ... and you may have occasional crossed wires with your partner during that time, but as regards your relationship with your partner in all that - it should feel easy most of the time. Like something you can relax and feel comfortable and contented in. If your relationship perpetually requires lots of work for you to feel contented, then it's the wrong relationship for you.

AmandaHugenkiss Sat 08-Aug-20 11:52:39

I agree with @Dery. I had relationships that were hard work after the honeymoon phase, and one that was hard work from the word go. It wasn’t until I met my current partner (been together several years, joint finances and home ownership) that I realised it shouldn’t be that way. Even when life has been tough, the relationship isn’t. I don’t believe in Mr Right, but I do believe if it’s never easy and never fun, it’s the wrong relationship for you.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in