Husband hasn’t seen his daughter for almost a year, what’s going on?

[Mummyofone83]

Bit of back story. My husband was emotionally and mentally very abusive. He was getting worse after our daughter was born. He was acting very horrible towards me and to save our daughter watching her mum crying everyday I decided to leave. Daughter was 3 at the time.
It was really hard as my husband was absolutely mad at me for leaving. I thought that this would be the end of it but I didn’t at the time realise that he would just continue his emotional abuse towards me, it kind of got worse, very obvious.

Anyway I had some support at the time and it was pretty unanimous that I should stop unsupervised contact due to his behaviour towards us both. He wouldn’t agree to this, a contact Centre was set up but he refused to go.

So now it’s been a year since he has seen her. He wants it on his terms or nothing at all. I wanted it arranged so that he had no access to me when seeing her and so that he was watched as he was addicted to weed and she was coming home saying odd things like “daddy doesn’t want anyone to love you” etc etc.

What is he doing, does he not love her at all?

My solicitor has said he is free to apply for court ordered access and to be prepared he will get access. But he hasn’t, does he not want to go to court and hear what I will tell them about him? He will not be able to look like the victim then as I have a lot of evidence! I read they like to win and will this be a sign of submission as he will have to obey the court?

[Feralkidsatthecampsite]

He isn't an appropriate figure to have around your dd.
He knows a judge would agree with that so won't apply for contact..
You know he should not be around her..

[category12]

God, OP, take it as a gift, an enormous gift, that he won't see her and be happy.

He would use access to further his abuse of you and he would emotionally abuse your dd too in the process and as she grows up.

He's probably not capable of properly loving someone.

[Mummyofone83]

Well that’s what I don’t understand why hasn’t he gone to court to continue the abuse. That is what I was expecting. When I left all I had was I’ll use all my money to take my daughter away from you, you need to be sectioned etc etc but now nothing.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t want him anyway near us but I’m not sure what game, if any he is playing.

[StrictlyAFemaleFemale]

He cant control the narrative in court. And he knows it.

[Fatted]

Be glad he doesn't want to know OP. He probably doesn't love your daughter and was probably only ever using her as a tool to abuse you. I know that is harsh, but true

Have you actually heard anything from him in this time? Has something in his situation changed like new partner, moved away etc?

[itsme]

As a DV survivor and currently in the tail end of family courts I'd be grateful that he hasn't bothered. I had many allegations thrown against me for neglect and regarding my mental health because I disclosed DV, which he denied (further investigations into him showed DV towards his now ex). I have now gone NC for my daughter due to further recent incidents. Solicitor and cafcass are backing me doing so as it is detrimental to my daughters mental health.

I see that from your post that NC is probably the best option for you both.

[category12]

He may have got legal advice that punctured his illusions and he would rather not lose face by being shown up in court.

Or it may be his attention is focused elsewhere on another woman, or weed is dominating his life.

Maybe it was all rage and bluster.

[Muppetry76]

He's a cunt.

It's as simple as that. You took his power when you left. You weren't submissive to his threats and did it anyway. Any dad who really loved their kids (despite the relationship with the mother) would move heaven and earth to be with them, including jumping through hoops as required to prove they were capable.

You're both better off without him. I assume he pays maintenance? If not (why not?) call CMS first thing on Monday. Just because he's shrugged off any emotional connection doesn't mean he can forgo his financial obligation.

My ex hasn't seen the kids for nearly 11 months. He's a cunt too.

[TheMotherofAllDilemmas]

Honestly, bullet dodged. Be thankful that he is gone considering how abusive he is.

We have it hammered into us that contact with both parents is better than nothing, no matter how bad it is. It isn’t.

Would you like him to be exercising the same control over her and her choices as she grows up, becomes a teenager and an adult woman? You are afraid of him to the point of actively avoiding interacting with him, what makes you think your kid will be ok having contact with such person.

If he cared about her, he would have done whatever possible to stay in touch as he would be putting his DD’s best interests over his. He isn’t.

You will feel angry with him for abandoning his child forever, but eventually you will acknowledge and accept that by keeping away he gave you and your DD the opportunity to live a happy life without fear.

Honestly, some people hate their exes more than they love their children. He is trying to teach you a lesson by hurting his own child.

[NotDavidTennant]

When I left all I had was I’ll use all my money to take my daughter away from you, you need to be sectioned etc etc but now nothing.

It seems to be quite common for abusive men to make these kind of empty threats but then to skulk away when they actually have to put their money where their mouth is.

[blacktop]

What is he doing, does he not love her at all?

Sadly no, no he doesn't. He is using every single piece of your natural protective instinct against you here.

[puzzledpiece]

Stop thinking about what, why and how he is doing things. He is still controlling your thought process even though he's not there.

Don't make any further effort to have contact, NC is better all round for you and your DD.

Stop wondering what he is plotting and what his motives are. He probably realised you are out of his control and he has no interest in you or his dd. He is probably grooming someone else and too busy.

However hard it is stop thinking about him. Fake it if you have to but stop allowing him this control of your thoughts.

[Mummyofone83]

Yes I went through the CMS to get maintenance, as small as it is, he is self employed!!! He wouldn’t agree originally because he wanted me going round so he could pay me cash, which I didn’t want to do.

[Mummyofone83]

He does email me now and again with a long sob story, sometimes disguised threats. He asks me when I will change my mind. He never gets a reply.

[Rainbowqueeen]

At the end of the day it sounds like your DD is better off without him.

He might go to court he might not. He would probably be thrilled to know you’re spending time thinking about it though. I’d say that’s his motivation.

Be thankful you’re not hearing from him. Maybe set some funds aside to deal with any court case if you are able. Then move on.

[category12]

All mouth and no trousers.

Which is a very good thing.

[Lucked]

Agree this is a gift and it may not last forever.

I suspect he is in a new relationship and most of the time you have ceased to exist for him. Then he remembers or has a bad day and sends you an angry email.

[Chloemol]

Just accept that it’s better for your daughter not to have contact and get on with your life. Dont give him any more headroom

[Mummyofone83]

So he basically got by on threats. After I called the police on him he just went away.

I can’t see him being gone for long though. But for now I’ll have to pretend and carry on then. It’s awful as I have this little niggle all the time.

[category12]

I think Rainbowqueen's suggestion of putting a bit of money aside in case he does do an about-turn is a good one. If it is that he is distracted by another relationship currently - it's likely he'll be back kicking off between relationships.

So putting aside some money and having everything prepared should you need to go to court might help you feel more at ease. If you can afford to, you could put aside the CMS he's paying as poetic justice .

[FrancesHaHa]

I've known cases where abusive men spend months in the family court to get access to their children and then just don't bother showing for contact. It's not about seeing their children it's about finding ways to control their ex partner. Once it transpires that they can't use contact to control eg because it's in a contact centre they lose interest

[userabcname]

My ex step-dad was very controlling. He used lots of emotional manipulation to get his way. He was actually the one to leave and I'm sure it was all part of the manipulation ("I've left before and I will again!"). Majorly back-fired; mum realised she was much happier without him and although he tried to use my brother (his son) as a pawn, it didn't work. Once he realised he couldn't control either of them anymore, that was it. Didn't see him again. He occasionally sends the odd email to me or my mum asking for money and pleading poverty but that's it. He hasn't seen my brother for years now and, quite frankly, my brother wants to keep it that way! So in answer to your question I think once they know they are going to lose, they give up.

[Mummyofone83]

Narcissistic men are like herpes then. Once you catch it you have it forever and it can flair up at anytime. I just want rid of this man!

My poor daughter thinks she has dome something wrong, even though I tell her she hasn’t.

[lockdownalli]

You are still trying to analyse him and giving him far too much head space. I am sure he would be delighted by this.

You have escaped a monster OP. Be grateful and try to keep yourself and DD safe and well away from him.

Did you have any counselling after you left? These kinds of relationships can take years to recover from

[BlingLoving]

The abuse and controlling behaviour escalating after the birth of your dd. Because basically, it's YOU that he is obsessed with/wants to control. He doesn't care about your DD. In fact, he sees her as an obstacle to a world in which he gets your 100% attention and where your behaviour is 100% focused on keeping him happy. His emails asking when you're coming back, with no interest in DD are yet another sign of this.

I'm sorry OP, but he is not interested in being a dad. I wouldn't bother any further attempts to facilitate contact. Ensure you have records of what you have tried to do because at some point he might try to use your DD against you by claiming you kept him from her etc etc. The only value she has for him will be as a tool to control you.