I want to leave husband, I have an 18 month old. Any tips on finance, housing welcome.

[sezchick2]

Hello and thanks for reading!

I'm feeling like my marriage is at the end of its course. We have been together 9 years and married for 3. We have an 18 month old beautiful boy.

I feel that my husband causes unrest and unhappiness in our house. He is very grumpy and agitated often. We don't communicate well and seem to bounce back and forth between getting along in a friendly way to arguing and falling out over the smallest of things.

I'm so tired. I'm tired of the bickering and point scoring. Of his moods and the way I feel so happy one minute and then he can destroy that feeling. I adore every second with my little boy and just want to make sure he is happy and out of a bad home situation. My husband is a great dad but he gets frustrated easily. He lost it last week when the baby had done a poo on the carpet, he just went mad and it caused upset for everyone so I felt sick with madness at that. I'm tired of feeling so down with this relationship.

I've brought this and my feelings up so many times and threatened to leave. There have been tears and talks but nothing seems to click with him. I don't believe he really thinks I would go.

He seems to have a very high opinion of himself in that he doesn't see any wrongdoing. I do all household DIY, most of the cleaning and washing, I take the brunt of childcare and have done during lockdown but I work in a professional job three days per week.

My earnings are fairly good. I just don't know where to even start with this process. We own a home together.

I dread my boy losing the home he has and the security he has around him and it is what is deterring me. Not love for my husband. I have no parents to go to as they are nearly four hours away and don't want to split DS from his dad, I have no intention of being nasty.

Any practical advise or just any advice welcome. Has anyone taken the leap? I want to do this whilst I'm young enough at 32. I don't want to be unhappy in a relationship that may creep into my son's happiness. My parents stuck it out and my mum regretted never leaving my extremely selfish and ungrateful dad. She was never truly happy for so many years.

Thanks

[redastherose]

You have a career and presumably childcare sorted so those are two big things in your favour. Generally to rent a property you will need a reference from your Bank and the ability to pay the rent plus a full months rent as deposit. Do You have savings? Will you need universal credit to top up your earnings? Do you have your own bank account? You can check on entitled to whether you would receive any benefits remember you will be entitled to child maintenance. The best thing would be to take it in stages so if you don't have a separate bank account get that set up. Make sure you have copies of any wage slips, tax returns etc, check on what you are entitled to as a single mum and then you will know how things should stand financially, you will then be able to start looking at property to rent so you know what is out there. Then once you have got yourself organised you need to actually sit down and tell him you want to separate and if he is awkward then you already have your plans made. You don't have to waste anymore time if things aren't working. You are right to know that your DS will be better off being raised in separate homes without conflict.

[sezchick2]

Thanks so much for responding to my post @redastherose I really appreciate your feedback. I'm going to try and get some financial advice next week based on finances and earnings and the home. I think I will get that under my belt and then I have more of an idea of where I stand at least. I'm lucky to have my career and yes we have baby in childcare three days per week. I hadn't actually considered child maintenance so thanks for that reminder. I do have a little bit saved away so I have some to fall back on. I also own the house with my husband so that's always a consideration.

[SandysMam]

You need to seek legal advice. Really, it is your sons home and if you are the primary carer, he should be the one to leave.
Then I would sell the house and split the proceeds for a fresh start. You are doing the right thing OP, much easier to split when LO is so young and with only one child. Good luck!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi sezchick2

re your comment:-
"I dread my boy losing the home he has and the security he has around him and it is what is deterring me. Not love for my husband. I have no parents to go to as they are nearly four hours away and don't want to split DS from his dad, I have no intention of being nasty"

The only security he has is with you; he does not care about his home and besides which he is way too young to care or at least be thinking about that anyway. It looks like your parents are unsupportive as well sadly; please keep posting on here. MN can be a valued support to you here and you need a safe outlet.

It is admirable that you do not want to be nasty to him in separating from him but he will NOT likely give you any such consideration when you separate. He will further be nasty and combative. What you are describing here really is an abusive individual and it is likely he will try and "punish" you in leaving him by using your child against you. What is far more valuable to your son here is having you as his mother happy and content; you are neither whilst your H is around and you're likely walking on eggshells awaiting his next outburst. Your H is volatile and will remain so too. It is NOT your fault he is like this and you did not make him that way.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. Your dad wanted absolute over you and your mother and now this man wants absolute over you and your son.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; what you were shown was not ideal at all was it?. Do not further do what your own mother did here i.e stick it out (for the sake of the child). That does not work as you have clearly seen in her example. Subconsciously you've probably picked someone like your own abusive father in this man. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

You would not in any way describe your H as great in terms of being a husband so why on earth did you call him a great dad?. Women in poor relationships too often write that when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Therefore no he is not a great dad if you and in turn your son are treated like this. You would not tolerate this from a friend. Great dads do not emotionally and verbally abuse their child's mother for a start, go OTT shouty at everyone because of his child's completely accidental poo on the carpet nor treat you as his wife like a skivvy.

I would suggest you also contact the Rights of Women organisation as they can help with legal advice as well as talking to Womens Aid. Both will be of great help to you going forward.