Husband suddenly weird with phone

[clockflower]

Does anyone have any advice? Since lockdown started, my husband has been edgy with his iphone. He mostly leaves it turned off in the morning bfore work. It's quite often on mute. He says it keeps going to mute by itself?!
I haven't checked his messages as I feel like that would be invading his privacy, but I'm afraid to say that I checked his messenger settings on our shared ipad and he has secret conversations activated. I never use facebook messenger.
He must also have turned off notifications because when I whatsapped him recently he never got it and it was only when I asked him about it that he opened WhatsApp and read it?!
He just seems suddenly different with his phone! What would you do? I don't feel like I can ask him really as there's nothing concrete to say.

[eyeblob]

Ask to borrow phone yours is flat lost etc then see if weird about giving it to you?

[thebeachismyhappyplace2]

Sadly this does sound like suspicious behaviour. Are there any other signs apart from his phone that point to an affair?

[morriseysquif]

What are secret conversations, is that a thing?

You can mute individual chats, I have a very busy community whatsapp which bings every few minutes but not all of them!

Would keep an eye out for what he is up to.

[CoopsMalloops]

Can’t you ask him outright?

You’re being weird with your phone/messenger on fb - what’s the craic?!

Definitely dodgy.

[clockflower]

Well, he called me a name when we were making love that he never called me before. It was a cute animal name. He said it almost under his breath. I just thought it was unusual, but I thought maybe he's seen some porn recently? He also called me 'darlin' the other day when we were cuddling and he never calls me that! We have been together 20 years!
Other than that, can't really think of anything, no.

[clockflower]

@CoopsMalloops

Can’t you ask him outright?

You’re being weird with your phone/messenger on fb - what’s the craic?!

Definitely dodgy.

Good advice but I don't want him to think I'm watching him. Just part of me thinks that if he is up to something, asking him would make him even more careful wouldnt it?

[clockflower]

@eyeblob

Ask to borrow phone yours is flat lost etc then see if weird about giving it to you?

Good idea except that he needs his iphone for his work so he would not let me borrow it longterm anyway.
Another point I just though of - we have a daughter who lives away and she will sometimes FaceTime his phone and sometimes mine. Whenever she is on FaceTime on his phone he never seems worried that something might pop up. Or does nothing pop up when FT is on?!

[thebeachismyhappyplace2]

CoopsMalloops
“Can’t you ask him outright?

You’re being weird with your phone/messenger on fb - what’s the craic?!

Definitely dodgy.
Good advice but I don't want him to think I'm watching him. Just part of me thinks that if he is up to something, asking him would make him even more careful wouldnt it?

OP. - yes I agree no point asking because if he is up to no good then he is just going to lie. You need to be clever here and do your detective work without him suspecting what you’re up to. Can’t you just have a little sneak in his phone when he’s asleep or does he have a passcode?

[justanotherneighinparadise]

Those last posts are really telling OP. New pet names is very suspect on top of the phone secrecy.

My question to you is if he is having an affair what would you like to happen? Would you want him to stay or leave? I always worry about digging for the truth by asking outright when you’re not prepared for the answer. In your shoes I would assume you were right and I’d want to have my response very much sorted before I have the conversation.

[clockflower]

Obviously I would want him to stop having the affair if that is what he is doing. But then part of me thinks that it would never be the same between us if I knew that he had been having an affair. I don't see why he would have an affair because there isn't anything wrong between us? But I can't think of any other reason for his new behaviour?

[justanotherneighinparadise]

Just be prepared for him to deny and gaslight you or to say he is having an affair and he is leaving. In your position I would talk to him, ask him directly and gauge his reaction. I think instinctively you’ll know.

[TwentyViginti]

What are secret conversations, is that a thing?

I know! yet another cheater's tool!

OP, affairs happen for a variety of reasons. An ego boost, and mid life crisis seem to be very common themes. The 20 year married stage appears to be a prime time for affairs.

[Cherrybakewellll]

It doesn't sound good OP. You've got to get your hands on that phone. When he has a shower can you sneak?

I get the impression you almost know he's doing something he shouldn't be but you don't want to end things even if he is.

[clockflower]

Cherrybakewellll you are partly right. I don't know he's doing something he shouldn't, but it seems to me like he is doing something he shouldn't. I wouldn't be able to understand how he could do that to me. We love each other and we are best friends too. It would be very hard for me to come to terms with. I do have self-respect and I don't think I could stay married to someone who had had an affair. I think he must know that is how I would react, aswell.

[WhatATimeToBeAlive]

Does he take the phone into the loo/shower, and not let it out of his sight? Then yes, very dodgy.

Before I split up with my ex, he actually said a couple of things that I was supposed to have said and I knew I hadn't said either of them. Must have been his fancy piece who didn't know what a Cupid's bow was or that fancied the lead singer from Stereophonics.

[clockflower]

Oh God, WhatATimeToBeAlive
You mentioning that has triggered a memory. He did say to me recently about having consulted me before he had made a decision to buy something for our house! He hadn't consulted me, and I just put it down to him being forgetful. When I said to him that he hadn't consulted me, he just went 'oh'.
Now I'm getting worried.

[clockflower]

@justanotherneighinparadise

Those last posts are really telling OP. New pet names is very suspect on top of the phone secrecy.

My question to you is if he is having an affair what would you like to happen? Would you want him to stay or leave? I always worry about digging for the truth by asking outright when you’re not prepared for the answer. In your shoes I would assume you were right and I’d want to have my response very much sorted before I have the conversation.

I don't understand why he would call me a name if he's using that term for/with someone else though? I mean, as gross as it sounds, I get that men can think of other people while they are having sex but the cuddling one was just normal everyday interaction while we were talking.
Why would he think that I wouldn't notice?

[justanotherneighinparadise]

When you spend time with someone you tend to start using their vernacular, so I would assume he has been communicating with someone a lot and using those terms so it just rolls off the tongue.

[clockflower]

Never thought of that. I must be so naive.
Thank you @justanotherneighinparadise you have helped me to make sense of something else aswell.

[ravenmum]

When you spend time with someone you tend to start using their vernacular
Exactly.

Has he mentioned any new books he wants to read, films he wants to see, music he likes, recipes he wants to try (that "someone from work" mentioned)? Got new clothes, aftershave, grooming habits? Complaining about things he never complained about before? Talking enthusiastically about a new work colleague without specifying if the are male or female? Going to bed later than you?

He says it keeps going to mute by itself
Dodgy as hell.

[MrsGrindah]

I don't see why he would have an affair because there isn't anything wrong between us?

Have you read Mumsnet ever? Sadly there doesn’t have to be anything wrong in a relationship for some people to have an affair.Ask him outright . If he’s up to something he will lie of course but you will at least be able to tell he’s lying and then decide your next step.

[Cherrybakewellll]

@clockflower

Cherrybakewellll you are partly right. I don't know he's doing something he shouldn't, but it seems to me like he is doing something he shouldn't. I wouldn't be able to understand how he could do that to me. We love each other and we are best friends too. It would be very hard for me to come to terms with. I do have self-respect and I don't think I could stay married to someone who had had an affair. I think he must know that is how I would react, aswell.

@clockflower my first husband, I thought would never cheat. Turns out he did and I only found out because he accidentally emailed a video of him shagging her to himself and the account linked to the household iPad.
What I'm trying to say it, no one can ever be 100% sure and if he's your best friend, then you need to either confront or investigate.
Perhaps it's an emotional affair rather than a physical one?

[ravenmum]

I couldn't tell whether mine was lying or not. When I questioned his behaviour he turned it round on me and acted as if I was being horrible. I couldn't tell if he was lying or had just gone off me.
I agree that there can be some advantages to him not realising that you have noticed anything.

[Tisahardlife]

In your shoes I don't think I would ask him at this point, I think I'd be carrying on as normal but doing detective work in the background.

Sounds well dodgy OP, but I hope im wrong

[Cherrybakewellll]

@MrsGrindah

I don't see why he would have an affair because there isn't anything wrong between us?

Have you read Mumsnet ever? Sadly there doesn’t have to be anything wrong in a relationship for some people to have an affair.Ask him outright . If he’s up to something he will lie of course but you will at least be able to tell he’s lying and then decide your next step.

Also @clockflower this. Unfortunately sometimes it happens when it's least expected. I truly hope your DH isn't doing anything wrong and you're just being a loon