Am I being needy?

[Whitelion12]

My partner and I (of a year) went through a bit of a difficult time this year. We’ve managed to work through things but she asked to slow things down, she had a huge breakdown due to life events catching up with her and wanted time to focus on her without the pressure of more life events in a relationship. We went from living together to her going back to her dads and searching for her own home to buy. I already own my own home. She is approaching 30 and feeling a bit of the blues, you know, where you feel you’re not where you wanted to be by the time you hit that age etc.

Anyway, coupled with the above, our relationship to me feels like it has changed. She used to be so interested in me, and message me all the time (even when we lived together), we would talk about the future, and generally I would just feel that spark of love and interest. Now, she takes hours to respond to me, when I broached then subject she says it’s unhealthy to be messaging all day everyday and that she has been spending less time on her phone and sorting her shit out. She largely talks about herself when we do talk on the phone - she says it’s because when she asks me about me, I don’t go into much detail and I’m quite short so she fills the gaps by her talking. But truth is I don’t feel she is interested in me when I do talk. Or as interested in me in general. She spends the majority of her time with her gay guy best friend, they’re together to almost every night. I guess I struggle from going from having this solid relationship to her stepping things back and wanting to slow things down.

We had an amazing and very close relationship before her breakdown, now she can be quite distant and she pulls away unintentionally when she has a bad day and it makes me feel unimportant, she used to talk to me and keep me in the loop now I feel like I’m just a stranger. I’ve talked to her about all of this but she tells me she can understand why I feel that way but for her that couldn’t be further from the truth, she loves me and is in love with me and wants things to work out.

So why do I feel like this? Am I just being too needy? Or am I comparing how amazing our relationship used to be before her breakdown and I need to get used to things being ‘different’ now? I feel like we’re dating and not in a relationship...

[HollowTalk]

I hate to say it but I think you're not in a relationship anymore. I'd leave the ball in her court and would back right off. She's self absorbed and doesn't want to spend any time with you. She's moved out and is buying somewhere on her own. She is keeping you hanging on and doesn't have the decency to end it.

[Iloveyoutothefridgeandback]

I would interpret this as her losing interest in the relationship. I'm sorry OP

[Mermaidwaves]

I think shes checked out of the relationship but is keeping you as a safety net. She's being unfair on you because she's not being completely honest about this. I think that you should back right off and spend time with friends and family so she knows you have your own life to lead. At the moment she has the security of you but totally on her terms, it must feel horrible OP I sympathise with you.

[FloreanFortescue]

I wouldn't describe this as a relationship anymore, sorry OP.

[gamerchick]

Sounds like she's ended it without actually telling you. I'm sorry man.

[DelphiniumBlue]

Sorry, I have to agree with everyone else.
She's moved out, that in itself says it's over, really.
If you've only been together for a year, and in that time sh'e moved in with you and then out again, then it's all happened a bit quickly. You talk about having had problems and that this year has been difficult - that doesn't really allow for much time when it was actually OK.
Maybe you are too needy, or maybe she just doesn't want to be in a relationship, but either way I suspect she's not being 100% honest with you.
It's hard to hear, but it would be best if you view this as over, and start moving on with your life.

[honeygirlz]

She sounds self-absorbed. Dump and move on.

[OldEvilOwl]

I you need to stop listening to what she's saying and look at her actions. She's moved out, distanced herself etc its over.

[NotaCoolMum]

Agree with all posters above- sounds like it’s over- she just hasn’t said the words yet. Did I read correctly you’ve only been together one year? That’s a hell of a lot to happen in the space of a year OP. Maybe you both rushed it and she backtracked realising it’s not what she wants. I think you need to cut your losses here OP sorry 💐