AIBU to send this text to my husband about texting his female friend?

(122 Posts)
SkylinesTurnstiles Fri 07-Aug-20 07:24:39

He is sleeping and I’ve been awake ages so I’ve just written down all my feelings.

I’ve met this girl afew times, she seems nice. She is married with 2 kids. We have been together 11 years, married for 3 of those with first child on the way in January. I just am feeling paranoid and awful about them texting but I just don’t know how to bring it up with me because he gets annoyed that I’d even suggest anything was going on.

Whenever I ask who he is texting he always will tell me if it is her with no delay and I’ll ask what they’re chatting about and he’ll openly tell me.

He knows my paranoia stems from my dad being a cheating, deceptive knob. I just can’t help the way I feel and feel like I’m going to implode if I don’t talk to him about it.

If I send him this text for him to wake up to will I look like a crazy psycho wife or shall I just refer to it later when I’m (hopefully) going to pluck up the courage to talk to him about it. Do I even need to talk to him about it or shall I just believe the person who I love and married that he just had a friendship with someone who happens to be female and glued to her phone all day?!

How can I get past being paranoid?

Text us as follows (Apologies in advance is there’s typos!):

The whole texting think just makes me jealous and paranoid. I was telling you only the other week that I was feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment - mainly due to pregnancy hormones, my dream didn't help (I had a dream they had had an affair the night before). I know the quiz wasn't the right time to bring it up (was on mute from our weekly family Skype quiz at the time), but I think I just needed some reassurance. Not to be shot down as that made me feel even worse. I was on the verge of tears all evening and when we were in bed, I think you knew exactly what was wrong, you just didn't want to talk about it. It's on my mind allot.

I felt like last night you talked to her more than you talked to me.. your own wife vs someone you'd probably been talking to all day.

If the shoe was on the other foot, would you really and I mean really be 100% comfortable with me constantly texting another bloke? Would there not be a tiny piece of you that would be somewhat jealous and think that texting anymore than like 10 a day is inappropriate? I know that there is nothing untoward but it just makes me uncomfortable which you know.

Its made me uncomfortable even before Christmas (particularly since the '😘😘' which I'm sorry WAS inappropriate) (this was a message she sent to him that I saw and it accompanied her saying merry Xmas or something and he said she prob sent it to everyone) time so it's like 8 months I've been feeling like this.

Every time I ask who you are texting and you say LADY’S NAME my heart drops, I try and act like I'm ok but I get sad. What are you getting out of your relationship with LADY that you're not getting from me? That doesn't mean to say you should lie to me about it.

I suppose if I had more understanding of your friendship it wouldn't bother me so much.

I have barely slept because I keep waking up and thinking about it. And I've been awake since 6:15. It's quite frankly consumed me and the temptation to wake you up now is too much!! Now 7:02 and I am on the verge of tears again.

I know you're a good man but I also know you're a 'good catch', the 'full package' and I'm paranoid she wants you and she's subtly saying it and had been for months and it's going over your head and then one day you will twig and leave your fat, paranoid, knob head wife.

Just help me not feel this way, help me understand. Please. This is really starting to effect me.

If you’re still reading I really appreciate it, thanks for getting this far. I know I probably sound like loonatic. Does this message have any substance to it and I would I be within my right to sent it or would I just embarrass myself?

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Fri 07-Aug-20 07:29:17

Don't send it. Sit down with him and let him read it in front of you so you can talk about it afterwards.

Windmillwhirl Fri 07-Aug-20 07:32:05

I wouldn't send it. This is clearly very upsetting for you. Saying it to his face will make him see that more than hiding behind a text.

I hope things work out for you x

naptimeismyhappytime Fri 07-Aug-20 07:32:10

Do not send it. Talk to him.

Russell19 Fri 07-Aug-20 07:38:59

Don't send that. Just explain to him that it bothers you and why does he need to text her when he sees her all day?
In regards to the jealousy and thinking he's going to leave you.....that needs to stop. Is he happy to text in front of you/let you use his phone, or is he secretive?
At the end of the day if your dh wanted to cheat with this woman he would. Nothing you can do or say would stop that.

Morgan12 Fri 07-Aug-20 07:39:41

This is so controlling.

I have many male friends and text them all the time. I even have nights out etc with just me and my male friend and my DH is fine with it. If he told me I couldn't speak or see my friends then we would have a serious problem.

What do you want from this? Has he to stop being friends with her?

Shoxfordian Fri 07-Aug-20 07:40:19

Don't send it


FaceOfASpink Fri 07-Aug-20 07:41:31

Nope. It's too long and gives him too much material to pick at.
You need to speak to him and make 3 clear points at most. 1- would you really be fine if I was texting a man 10 times a day? 2 - I'm pregnant with your child and this is causing me massive stress which is bad for the baby. So 3 - will you consider some counselling so we can sort this big issue out in a friendly way.

BlueBirdGreenFence Fri 07-Aug-20 07:43:08

Do not send that. It comes across like you are blaming all your feelings on him.

Bluntness100 Fri 07-Aug-20 07:43:29

Christ don’t send that it is so emotionally manipulative and woe is me.

Talk to him. And don’t big him up “the whole package” my arse and put yourself down “your fat wife”

Bottom line is are you sure there is nothing going on. If you are and trust him then let him have any friends he wishes. If you don’t then trying to control him and not let him have female friends isn’t going to work.

Sorehandsandfeet Fri 07-Aug-20 07:43:58

Please do not send him that message! You have alluded to 'pregnancy hormones', said you seem like a lunatic, called yourself a 'fat, paranoid, knob head wife'. Your self esteem is through the floor and you are taking all responsibility for his actions away from him. You are blaming yourself for feeling this way about his behaviour. If you say that you are being unreasonable, he will believe that too.
You need to be more straightforward. Although you know they are just friends and you don't want to stop that, you need him to be more 'present' for you at this time. He is neglecting you, emotionally at a time you need more support. In your opinion his friend is getting the attention and support that you need and that has to change. See what he says to that.

SkylinesTurnstiles Fri 07-Aug-20 07:46:51

I think really want I need is just more confidence in myself and our relationship. I know he is committed to me and wouldn’t leave me and he does love me. It’s just like 1% niggle I have of self doubt, that I’m not good enough and he find someone better.

I suppose he has never really had a close female friend before and I think it just intimidates me. They go out as a big group drinking, him being one of two ish blokes and then like 10 girls - they’re work colleagues and the sector is very female heavy. And I’m completely fine with that. It’s just the texting that one particular bothers me.

It would be wrong for me to demand they stop being friends, I know that. And I’m not sure what a conversation that would turn into an argument would really achieve. So I think I’ll just have to keep this an internal battle and make my feelings about it change somehow.

I needed the head wobble. Thank you.

OP’s posts: |
Hearhoovesthinkzebras Fri 07-Aug-20 07:47:39

Personally, I think you are being very controlling. It's not his responsibility to help you overcome your feelings and I can't get my head around the fact that he's being blamed for a dream that you had.

It's really wrong for you to try and control him speaking to his friend

thebeachismyhappyplace2 Fri 07-Aug-20 07:48:50

Do not send. Talk to him but I’d also phone her and just say enough is enough, that it’s not appropriate to be texting your husband.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras Fri 07-Aug-20 07:49:40


Do not send. Talk to him but I’d also phone her and just say enough is enough, that it’s not appropriate to be texting your husband.

What???? Omg, no, don't do this

GilbertMarkham Fri 07-Aug-20 07:52:49

Don't send him that text.

Let me just get this straight; he texts his work.colleague every day, up to ten times a day? I'd that right?

If do, that's too.mich in my book, and probably would be in most people's.

He needs to dial.that back.

I think that what I'd be saying. I'm uncomfortable about how much contact you have with your work colleague, it's unnecessary. If you can't dual it ba k to an appropriate level, I'll think you two have an unhealthy/inappropriate attachment and I'll be forced to.think.very carefully about the future if this relationship, child or not.

You sound like you're reading your hair out and begging, whereas you need to be authoritative, factual and he needs to see he could lose you.

GilbertMarkham Fri 07-Aug-20 07:53:41


RealLifeHotWaterBottle Fri 07-Aug-20 07:54:50

What is the outcome you want? Is it you understand their relationship more? Or for him to end the texts?

whereorwhere Fri 07-Aug-20 07:56:55

My husband was doing this and was cheating so frankly I would lay the law down. Trust your gut is what I say

GilbertMarkham Fri 07-Aug-20 07:57:37

Alternatively just tell him you're not comfortable with it and doubt many people would be, don't say anything outright to.him about evaluating the relationship to.him but do just that. Evaluate the relationship a d think about what steps you'd take and what you need to do to kick him to the kerb if this continues.

Financial arrangements would be a big one.

(It's a hard time to leave now but you may want to leave in future).

parababe Fri 07-Aug-20 07:58:30


Do not send. Talk to him but I’d also phone her and just say enough is enough, that it’s not appropriate to be texting your husband.

Definitely don't send it, and even more definately dont call her. Then you really will look like a lunatic wife!!
I think you need to work on your own confidence and self esteem.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Fri 07-Aug-20 08:01:13

I think really want I need is just more confidence in myself and our relationship.

Counselling for yourself might help. Get to the root of your problems - the damage caused by your dad, your low self-esteem.

You'll be in a better place for yourself then.

SimonJT Fri 07-Aug-20 08:02:36

If I received that text I would leave you, I don’t want a partner who gets to choose my friends. Been there, done that, they just find more and more things to be ‘insecure’ about to manipulate you.

The issue is you are jealous of her, if she does ‘go away’ you are likely to then find something else to be jealous or insecure about.

Branleuse Fri 07-Aug-20 08:04:08

Id tell him that youre not happy with the frequent texting and the lovey dovey kisses just have made it clear that theres a lot more affection here than youre ok with in an apparently platonic friendship as you dont see him writing those to men. Its bringing up a lot of issues and you feel its disloyal.
That youve tried to be ok with it but youre not. Youre getting anxiety and losing sleep now and seriously contemplating whether this is worth the aggro its causing.

Quite honestly I dont think youre unreasonable, but the text you wrote makes you sound like a wet blanket. Youre being really apologetic when actually its perfectly reasonable to feel shit when your partner appears to be sucking up to and developing an intimate friendship with another woman. Do you think affairs are rare?

Whether hes having an affair (yet) or not, its still ok for you to say " hold on, this makes me feel like shit, I need you to stop"

Branleuse Fri 07-Aug-20 08:05:22

and youre boosting his ego in that text plus putting you down. What are you tryimg to achieve with that?
Have some self respect

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