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Second pregnancy. Another man. Should I bail!?? Help

(62 Posts)
Morningdewso Thu 06-Aug-20 23:15:11

So I was married before and had to leave when I was three months pregnant after years of abuse. I now have a little girl who is more perfect than life. Dad isn’t present in her life. She is nearly a year and a half now.
When she what three months old I started seeing a friend who i have known (and my family) for 8 years. He seemed solid. Loved me to bits. Total romantic. Loves DD like his own(almost too much). Decided we were gonna go for it and have another so age gaps weren’t a problem. We decided as I wanted to keep my independence we would be a two house family and go between. Completely financially independent.
Problem is now I’m pregnant he’s not the same. He’s trying to control me like my ex and suddenly wants to be on the phone all the time. Generally making life difficult and feel hard. He hasn’t done anything too bad as such it’s just always niggling under the surface. Partly due to his insecurity I think. He’s become overbearing about spending time with my child. And has become super childish. I can’t have two by two. I don’t know if he will stop and if I need to abort now (12weeks) Before I’m stuck with another nutter! I thought he was totally different to except and my family loved him now the don’t even want him to come on holiday with us! Help! What do I do? Bail or not!??

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Guiltypleasures001 Thu 06-Aug-20 23:21:43

Hi lovely

Sorry to hear this, can you say. A bit more about his needing to see your daughter ?

Morningdewso Thu 06-Aug-20 23:24:55

He’s just abit obsessive! I asked a local girl to baby sit occasionally when I need to work and he suddenly says he wants to do it dispute being a full time farmer! I have said no as it makes no sense! He wanted to have a day with her alone at the weekend too I told him if he had time off he can see us both! I like that he likes her but it’s too much!

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BumbleBeee69 Thu 06-Aug-20 23:26:48

get rid of him

Morningdewso Thu 06-Aug-20 23:27:06

I just feel like it’s getting too late to have a choice as I’m fairly far down this road now! My scan is on Wednesday!! 😭😭😫😫 I’m not for abortions personally but I can’t see another way out unless he starts acting normal! How do I get him to pack it in and be as he was!!

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TeddyBeans Thu 06-Aug-20 23:27:25

You'll end up with two by two anyway but that's not the point. The point is you don't want to be in this situation again. I think he'll push to be involved in the baby's life given how overbearing he's being now. You just have to decide if it's worth it... If it were me I'd terminate and run for the hills but only you can make that call

minimagician Thu 06-Aug-20 23:28:55

Given that he's in a relationship with you and he's not her father, that sounds almost worrying.

But back to your pregnancy. If you were to terminate could you do it without him being aware of what you were doing? I'm wondering if he'd be extremely difficult if he knew.

Not that that should change your mind, if that's what you choose, more that you may need to factor a few things in in the practical side.

Morningdewso Thu 06-Aug-20 23:34:23

I probably could and would have my families full support - they’re as shocked as I am by him. The time limit due to the pregnancy isn’t helping with decision making and I am worried that’s it could just be because I’m hormonal and won’t let him touch me so he’s just mega needy and insecure! You are right teddybeans he’s made it very clear he will push to be involved anyway. He even said that if I dumped him he would wait years for me to come back! The more I wrote the worse it all sounds! He is a hard working nice bloke usually!

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vdbfamily Thu 06-Aug-20 23:36:23

I guess u have to rely on your instinct but personally if I was having a child with someone and he was trying to build a close relationship with my first child I would be delighted. Presumably he sees you as a little family unit so babysitting would be a natural thing to do.

Morningdewso Thu 06-Aug-20 23:37:27

Honestly don’t know where I went wrong. Right from the beginning I lay down the law and said I’m not looking for a father for DD nor anything else from you. I’m totally independent. just want a normal adult relationship!

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Morningdewso Thu 06-Aug-20 23:39:47

Vdbfamily you’re right I was delighted at first but it seems too intense!

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billy1966 Thu 06-Aug-20 23:41:41

Your gut is screaming at you and your family agree.

Something doesn't sound right OP.

I think a termination is your best option too.
Otherwise this man will be difficult to get rid of.

I think his wantingbto be minding your child so much is a little odd too.

Listen to your gut.

Protect yourself and your daughter.
Don't say a word to him.

Have your family help you.
The fact that they are appalled by him must mean his behaviour is openly awful.

Unfortunately you and your daughter come first.

Wishing you wellflowers

Morningdewso Thu 06-Aug-20 23:41:53

It’s nearly got to the point where I moved in with him last month but then he started bickering with me about stupid things in his house like fricking Tupperware pots so I said fine I will go back to plan a and have our own houses! Then since then it’s got worse! I did a lot of work to his house now I don’t even want to visit it!

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Morningdewso Thu 06-Aug-20 23:43:24

Thank you billy1996 🥰 am I being too rash about it all? What if I’m just over reacting!

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AllsortsofAwkward Thu 06-Aug-20 23:45:09

Seems an odd set up a baby when you don't live together and have a young baby with someone else. You can't have been together long and been in the honeymoon phase. Either hes pushing to be part of the family unit and doesnt want to be pushed out or hes over the top insecure man who is possessive, either way it doesn't sound like a good idea to have a baby.

SandyY2K Thu 06-Aug-20 23:48:02

He sounds very needy.... you can feel smothered in this kind of relationship.

You shouldn't feel like you do in a healthy relationship.

Having a child with him would tie you to him for life.
He sounds insecure and that can be exhausting.

Morningdewso Thu 06-Aug-20 23:49:31

I was open with everyone about wanting another and everybody supported thought it was a great idea! He has been coming away with my family a few times a year for the last 8 years so is super well known family friend! We both have farms hence the two house situation as at different time we need to be onsite 24/7 it made sense! He is desperate to be involved but short of transplanting my Uterus I really don’t know what I can do to make him relax! ( if that would help!)

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Aquamarine1029 Thu 06-Aug-20 23:50:54

His obsession with your daughter is a massive red flag and very worrisome. I would have a termination immediately and get away from this man before you're chained to him forever.

Morningdewso Thu 06-Aug-20 23:52:38

You’re so right sandy it is exhausting! My gut is so conflicted over what to do it changes on the wind!

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BitOfFun Thu 06-Aug-20 23:53:23

Get away from him. A termination is the sensible thing to do.

minnieok Thu 06-Aug-20 23:54:16

It sounds like he doesn't want the same sort of relationship as you. This means that you are not compatible . Sounds like he loves your dd as his own and wants to spend time with her, I don't find it odd, he wants happy families but if it's not what you want then you need to leave him

jessstan2 Thu 06-Aug-20 23:56:38

Morningdewso

I probably could and would have my families full support - they’re as shocked as I am by him. The time limit due to the pregnancy isn’t helping with decision making and I am worried that’s it could just be because I’m hormonal and won’t let him touch me so he’s just mega needy and insecure! You are right teddybeans he’s made it very clear he will push to be involved anyway. He even said that if I dumped him he would wait years for me to come back! The more I wrote the worse it all sounds! He is a hard working nice bloke usually!

Don't worry too much about the time limit. Your pregnancy is 12 weeks by dates, that probably means ten weeks in your womb.

In your position I would terminate the pregnancy and get rid of boyfriend pronto. Do you really want to be tied to this man for eighteen years?

I don't like the sound of him wanting to have your daughter on his own for several hours either.

Morningdewso Fri 07-Aug-20 00:12:43

Thank you for all your comments everyone you are all fab! 🤩 I am going to get some sleep and hopefully the morning will make it clearer. Thank you for replying to me!

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Guiltypleasures001 Fri 07-Aug-20 00:46:48

I wouldn't let him near my daughter or any future child to be honest
It doesn't sit right

rvby Fri 07-Aug-20 01:11:01

The hair on the back of my neck stood up when I read what you said about your dd and his interactions with her.

I wouldn't be able to gamble my dd and potential child's childhood/mh on this guy. I'd have an abortion and run like the fucking wind. I dont care how he would feel - I care about my dd and listening to my gut because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if he turned on her when I had a window of time to get her away from him.

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