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Im female, he's gay, but is there something there?

(85 Posts)
Magicra84 Thu 06-Aug-20 14:06:22

I've become very close over a short time to a gay man. When we met we immediately hit it off. He's in his late 40s and has never been with a woman, but sometimes I think he could have feelings for me, but am I kidding myself?

I often catch him looking at me when he thinks I can't see. When I look back at him he looks away. He's very tactile with hugs and putting his arm on my shoulder etc but isn't at all with anyone else.

He texts me first thing every day. He's always the one to initiate the first text and I know he's not a big texter because other friends at work often say he doesn't reply to them but he always replies to me immediately. When we first met, he'd make up questions to ask me about work that I'm certain he knew the answer to and I'm sure it was just to talk to me. Now we text all day long about everything and anything.

He's very caring to me and goes out of his way to make sure I'm always ok. I grew closer to him in a few months than he was to the people in the small team he's managed for some time and they're all friendly. At work, he often calls me over to ask questions I know that he knows the answer to.

He's totally off dating men since a failed marriage left him heartbroken. He often says we should get married (I agree!) but of course I think he's joking. Out of the blue, very randomly, he often texts me saying how he's going to stay single forever because men are too much trouble. I'm often thinking wtf at the randomness of those messages but then I think he could be testing the waters?

He plans nights out for us and if I ask if we should invite close friends of both of us, he says no and says it's our date! He also regularly 'jokes' about us moving away and living together.

I know that he doesn't text and show anyone else the same attention as he shows me. I'm obviously on his mind a lot and he's certainly on mine. I've got massive feelings for him but he's been with men only for all of his life! I know sexuality isn't set in stone that a person is 100% gay but could it be that he does have feelings for me? Thank you 🙂

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ShesMadeATwatOfMePam Thu 06-Aug-20 14:08:28

I doubt it very much. I expect he knows you have feelings for him and he loves the attention. You're probably a massive ego boost after his failed marriage. If i were you id cool it off with him. Stop being so available all the time.

FourPlasticRings Thu 06-Aug-20 14:10:22

Hmm. Tricky. I'd probably try to take his sexuality at face value for now, if I were you, and presume that he is 100% gay unless he actively states he would like to explore a romantic relationship with you. I think otherwise you risk losing genuine prospects from interested men because they presume you're with this man/ you are caught up in the idea of being with him.

Magicra84 Thu 06-Aug-20 14:10:50

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam I love your username ha ha!

Do you think he's doing all this for an ego trip then? Me being me, I thought he was just really into me 😢

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kerfuffling Thu 06-Aug-20 14:12:55

I doubt it very much Well, it does happen the other way round...

OP, he is clearly really fond of you, but whether it can progress into a physical attraction is anybody's guess.

You might have to ask him grin

Magicra84 Thu 06-Aug-20 14:12:59

He shows me so much attention etc that it makes me think he really cares. If he was a straight man I'd think he was interested without a doubt. He's fucking with my head a bit to be honest sad

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Enb76 Thu 06-Aug-20 14:13:29

He will never have sexual feelings for you. If you want a tactile companion who you enjoy being with then that's exactly what you have, be minded that your feelings will be hurt if you try to push for anything more.

Bluntness100 Thu 06-Aug-20 14:13:37

Op did you post this awhile ago? And everyone told you he was gay so no he didn’t fancy you?

NekoShiro Thu 06-Aug-20 14:14:25

You're only going to know if you ask, tbh I'm gonna assume the answer is no, my father was like this about a lesbian friend of his, he used to tell me how she was scared of admitting she had feelings for a man after being gay her whole life, this was all in his head, they were friends for about 10 years with him constantly saying this to me aand shockingly nothing ever came from it. He's probably just missing having a partner to do things with and might just be very codependant.

Or maybe he's not and fancies trying a different type of relationship, if its THAT important to you ask him but just keep in mind that if that isn't what he's thinking you could sour the friendship.

Menora Thu 06-Aug-20 14:14:35

I feel a bit bad for you both. He’s gay so might have no clue you have these feelings and he is just feeling close to you. He might be mortified to think you interpreted his friendship this way. Would you feel this way around a woman who was a female friend?
I think you need to take a step back from this friendship and gain perspective, would you be prepared to ruin your friendship by declaring your feelings? If he rejected you, could your friendship recover?

Offside Thu 06-Aug-20 14:15:04

Maybe he just likes the flirtation, especially as he has said he is off men. For him it probably feels safe because you know he’s gay so he thinks you wouldn’t take what he says literally.

Menora Thu 06-Aug-20 14:15:29

He shows me so much attention etc that it makes me think he really cares

He’s your best friend isn’t he? Best friends do care

Magicra84 Thu 06-Aug-20 14:16:10

I can't ever tell him how I feel.

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Bluntness100 Thu 06-Aug-20 14:17:01

Yup, you posted it in May. Op people aren’t going to tell you different now than they did in May, why do you keep asking if a gay man fancies you,

Magicra84 Thu 06-Aug-20 14:17:59

Go away @Bluntness100

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AnneKipanki Thu 06-Aug-20 14:19:25

He's a friend.

Menora Thu 06-Aug-20 14:19:26

I have a gay friend too. He’s said let’s grow old together and have lots of cats, he’s hugged me, held my hand and we have slept in the same bed. He texts me a lot. He’s comfortable with women and tactile and can often see them like sisters to him. He’s also a huge flirt but this is because he is comfortable with me and being playful and silly. I honestly wouldn’t read too much into this situation

2155User Thu 06-Aug-20 14:20:32

Unfortunately @Magicra84, @Bluntness100 is right. Nothing will have changed. You need to let go of these thoughts and if you can't then you need to not see him. You clearly cannot cope

JorisBonson Thu 06-Aug-20 14:21:00

@Bluntness100 you're right, I remember that thread.

He is a gay man and therefore is highly, highly unlikely to want a romantic relationship with you.

RedNun Thu 06-Aug-20 14:21:29

I would keep this firmly as a private ego-boosting fantasy, OP. It's highly likely he's tactile and friendly with you because he's gay and you're female, therefore he assumes (wrongly, as it turns out) you won't misinterpret his attention.

Doyoumind Thu 06-Aug-20 14:22:00

I think this is a safe relationship for him where he can have friendship, companionship and closeness knowing it will never hurt him as it won't be a sexual or emotional relationship. That's not something he can risk with a man. He's found a good female friend in you but I don't think it will be anything more.

Mermaidwaves Thu 06-Aug-20 14:23:24

I have gay male friends and without trying to stereotype my experience is that they are far more loving and tactile than straight male friends. I think the fact they're gay means we both feel safe to express physical and emotional affection without mistaking it for sexual attraction. Its possible he is bisexual but more likely he loves you as a friend and feels he can express it safely. Plus I often say I'm off men but if the right one came along....I suspect he's the same.

SimonJT Thu 06-Aug-20 14:24:35

This exact story has been posted previously.

ShellsAndSunrises Thu 06-Aug-20 14:24:46

He's likely to be very comfortable being a close friend to you, because you both know that he's gay and therefore nothing can be misconstrued as feelings, or get complicated.

I have close female friends who do all the stuff that he does, down to joking about dates and hugs and things.

Honestly, he's gay. If he was doubting that, he could easily mention it to you and see how you react - he's got a very easy way to assess how you feel without anyone saving face. He hasn't.

I don't know if the friendship would survive telling him how you feel, although it's the only way that you'd know comprehensively how he does, if you're not willing to 'read' the clues.
But if you don't want to tell him, you need to create some separation between you, at least temporarily, so you give yourself a chance to heal and get over him. Otherwise you're hanging about waiting, and you'll be crushed when he gets a new boyfriend, which is likely to happen even if he's not looking right now.

Magicra84 Thu 06-Aug-20 14:25:52

But I've fallen for him. I'm sat here crying because I know it'll never be more than a friendship.

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