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When you are in an abusive relationship are you being abused all the time?

(91 Posts)
WhoamI83 Thu 06-Aug-20 12:34:46

For instance when went go out for the day and he is in a good mood is he allowing me to feel happy that day?

I always thought that he took his anger out on me because he couldn’t deal with his own emotions so made himself feel better by making me cry. Did he have control of all the emotions including when I was happy or angry? Do they get happy when they make you angry and you shout back because they made you have an emotion?

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Bunnymumy Thu 06-Aug-20 12:38:12

Google 'the cycle of abuse'.

Often they 'allow' you to have the odd nice, peaceful day known and again so that when they are horrible again, you will think 'but we were so happy the other day, he seemed normal. Could I have done something to make him change into this monster?'. The good days make you think there is something good in them. There isnt. There is only the bad and the mask they use on occasion to hide it.

Bunnymumy Thu 06-Aug-20 12:38:40

*nown and agin

WhoamI83 Thu 06-Aug-20 12:41:00

So they have control of all emotions then, when you are happy, sad whatever?

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Bunnymumy Thu 06-Aug-20 12:42:26

Also, they live in a world of winners and losers. They create situations where they can 'win' and by making you the loser. If they make you cry, the of course you're the loser. So double points to them!

Basically they have to shit on people. They are playground bullies who never grew up and never will.

Bunnymumy Thu 06-Aug-20 12:44:10

They try to. Sometimes they succeed. Especially if you are around them 24/7 and cant get head space away from them. They're out to brainwash you though, yes.

pasteldechocolateconchispa Thu 06-Aug-20 12:46:12

I found I had to seek permission to go out, her usually be an arse about it. I’d also have to check in, take photos or car park ticket and send. Keep receipts etc. He’d be in a horrid mood when I got back, demand sex because I had been allowed out so I owed him something. It’s all very confusing, good days are good, always the air of fear, I always describe the feeling of it’s almost like grief, that feeling when someone you love dies, you have the horrid upside down feeling, feeling worried, sad etc. When you had a good day your brain makes you think you are making up the nada days you aren’t. Also people who you think are your mutual friends I learnt sided with him. I always had an outdoor persona, no one ever knew, one of my best friends in the world was a police Officer and came to my home, they never knew. Indoors and away from others I was broken

WhoamI83 Thu 06-Aug-20 12:47:51

I often found when I achieved something and I was happy he would find something to destroy my achievement. For example when I did a good job at wallpapering he would say something like you left the front door unlocked yesterday and people could have got in. It used the ruin my feelings of joy. But if I was happy because of something he did or bought me then that was allowed.

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FattyBoom Thu 06-Aug-20 12:56:00

They have to allow the good days, no one would stay for long's all part of the pattern

Anxiousmarie Thu 06-Aug-20 12:58:58


I am struggling with this atm too, generally day to day things are fine its just the odd comment or action that really messes with my head along woth constant fear of upsetting him

WhoamI83 Thu 06-Aug-20 12:59:31

So the good days are calculated not spontaneous? They are part of the plan also. So the happiness you feel is manipulated?

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BarbedBloom Thu 06-Aug-20 13:10:00

No, after they abuse you they can turn into the loveliest person. They groom you so that you are always waiting for that lovely side and therefore tolerate the abuse. Often those lovely periods seem to be less and less over time but you still hang in there, thinking they'll come back or you male ezcuses like, well work is stressful just now or, they are dealing with x, y, z. If they are especially manipulative you will start changing your own behaviour to try to stop the abusive moments because you blame yourself.

It is like living for the weekend, you miss out on so much by wishing time away. Even if he is only abusive 10% of the time, it is too much.

They don't change, you can't fix them and the more trapped you are, the worse they become. Then any children start seeing this as normal and the cycle of abuse continues

WhoamI83 Thu 06-Aug-20 13:13:33

When you say after they abuse you are they not abusing you all the time then? I’ll be honest mine got so bad I couldn’t at the end tell whether he actually hated me.

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WhoamI83 Thu 06-Aug-20 13:14:28

After the large arguments it was always sorry my back hurts and work stress.

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BitOfANameChange Thu 06-Aug-20 13:28:24


So the good days are calculated not spontaneous? They are part of the plan also. So the happiness you feel is manipulated?

It can be.

But in my case, it was more an unconscious calculation. Like I'd done what he wanted, so my ex "rewarded" me with being nice. It's a cycle. He said he loved me a few times, but I don't think he liked me. Called me names, usually at times when I was feeling great, to drag my mood down.

As for manipulative, he's that in spades, hence the "suicide attempts" after I left. I have ammunition, though, should he try to pull any new stunts. Got him in writing contradicting some lies he's told people. It's my nuclear option though, I'll only use that if I have to. So far, he's staying away.

WhoamI83 Thu 06-Aug-20 13:49:53

Seems like I’m trying to apply logic to a illogical situation.

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MulticolourMophead Thu 06-Aug-20 14:06:37

There is a certain logic, if you look at it their way. They want the upper hand, to "win" as a pp wrote, so will do whatever it takes to bring you down. Even if it doesn't seem logical to you or me.

I recall one time he said I looked like a sack of potatoes when I'd worn a dress to attend a wedding. I hadn't worn dresses for such a long time because I felt crap and fat. Yet, everyone at the wedding said I looked nice, and I know then well so they weren't just saying it. I am overweight but now doing something about it, am breaking the comfort eating problem, a problem that only developed after I met my ex. Wonder why....

Bunnymumy Thu 06-Aug-20 14:12:58

Honestly, how could you or I ever hope to truly understand someone who is so far from what we are? Abusers don't have fundamental empathy. They are as different from us as a lion is to a lamb.

But I do know that he did hate you. And so do you. You don't understand it but you know it. They hate us because we have something they will never have. The...exactitude (is that a word? Lol) of what i am not sure but basically I think it boils down to - light. They are a dark and empty place and we are warmth and light and hope and they cannot stand that. They have to stamp it out wherever it flourishes.

WhoamI83 Thu 06-Aug-20 15:29:51

So they purposely find someone who is light and hopeful only to destroy them!!!! Wtf so it’s not that they want someone who is dark but the action of making someone dark? If I became dark and hopeless would he just move on then? I say all this is in the wrong tense because thankfully I have left him!

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Colourmeclear Thu 06-Aug-20 15:45:12

The number one thing I heard was "you've changed, you're boring and no fun anymore". He said it with 0% acknowledgement that that's what he made me.

In my opinion yes they abuse all the time. If 'good behaviour' from them is a reward for your compliance or an attempt to gain your compliance or to distract you from the abuse, then it isn't heartfelt and it isn't genuine.

Bunnymumy Thu 06-Aug-20 15:58:16

I think they are not fussed whom they pick as most people have something they lack (eg: humanity) Sometimes they choose happy, confident outgoing sorts. Perhaps because then, there is more to take... or perhaps because they like the challenge of taking it. Sometines they pick vulnerable people because the pickings will easy. Depends on the individual abuser I suppose...but I think they usually arent very fussy, even though they may have their preferred types. Everyone can be exploited in some way or other if you know how to push a persons buttons.

I do think they all like an open book though, in my personal experience. It also helps if you are a moral, kind person. Because that gives them amo. Eg: you call them out on their shit and they turn it round on you and try to make you the bad guy or claim that you are hurting them. And a decent human being may be more inclined to look inwards and reevaluate what they have said and done when someone says 'you are the bad guy'. Rather than focusing on their manipulator. They can also get you stuck in the cycle of proving your morality and decency (alongside other cycles they may use such as proving your love/loyalty ect).

I dont think they knowingly target light happy ppl...I think they just hate happiness and peace of mind in others so have to destroy it where they find it. And they find it most in the people who are around them most. Like their partners.

It's like they are a kid, seeing another kid playing with a toy. Sometimes they dont even want whatever the toy is but...they try to take it anyway because they are jealous of how happy the other child is playing with it.

But they cant take that happiness for themselves and that in turn makes them hate the child. And want to crush them.

Thats just my observations though. How accurate I am I dont know. Every abuser is different. But if you learn about npd, you can learn to spot most of them straight off the bat and get an insight into how they tick.

WhoamI83 Thu 06-Aug-20 16:33:36

So it’s always the intention when they first meet you that they are going to abuse you?

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Bunnymumy Thu 06-Aug-20 16:43:07

I dont know if they really intend anything. They just are. Dies a lion think about the gazelle it'll eat tomorrow?

I think they live in the moment and do what suits them in the moment.

Not to say they cant plan ahead of course. Sone of them plan out little scenarios to fuck you over quite often I find. It depends on their levels of malignancy. Some are just selfish fuckers who dont care if you get hurt (it consider it a bonus because 'haha serves her right. That'll stop he getting too big for her boots'). And others really want to break you. Sadists , y'know.

It's a spectrum. Sone are 'worse' than others.

Bunnymumy Thu 06-Aug-20 16:45:03

Sorry, typos.

Basically just imagine them as someone bitter and spiteful who thinks its funny when you fail or get hurt and that's pretty much ball park. Of course some of them are worse.

WhoamI83 Thu 06-Aug-20 16:52:54

They seem to intentionally behave very well at the beginning, a little too well. I guess they must have some intention otherwise they would not bother. They must know they they lacking something.

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