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Sex with new man was a disaster

(36 Posts)
bloomingmad Thu 06-Aug-20 09:53:11

I've been dating someone for a few weeks. He is such a lovely man who I like a lot and I haven't met anyone so kind and thoughtful ever. Last night he came to mine to watch a film and things got a bit heated. We went up to the bedroom but he couldn't get hard enough.

He said that it has been a while since he has been intimate with someone and I could tell he was nervous. It wasn't really that awkward, we just kissed and cuddled but I'm worried that he will never be able to satisfy me.

Do you think it could be something that will get better in time? Having been in a marriage that became sexless because he couldn't perform I would be really gutted if I fell for someone with the same problem. This new man is 39.

OP’s posts: |
wishing3 Thu 06-Aug-20 09:55:21

I think it’s way too early to be worrying that this will be a long term issue.

donquixotedelamancha Thu 06-Aug-20 09:59:09


I think it’s way too early to be worrying that this will be a long term issue.

This. I have the same difficulty sometimes when nervous but our sex life is good. Sometimes it takes time to get comfortable.

jessstan2 Thu 06-Aug-20 09:59:44

I agree with wishing3. Just take it easy, if he stays the night at some stage be prepared to have a kiss and cuddle and see what transpires. Plenty of people are nervous first time.

Yutes Thu 06-Aug-20 10:00:55

When I started a new relationship, he was so nervous that he quite often lost his erection. He just wanted it to be good and for us to have a good time.

8 years on, it’s the best sex I’ve ever had.

redcarbluecar Thu 06-Aug-20 10:02:04

Well you could dump him now because he was nervous the first time you slept together, or you could give it a bit of time. Sounds like he may be worth the latter.

minnieok Thu 06-Aug-20 10:04:15

There is far more to a relationship than sex. Give him a chance. Is he on antidepressants? They can cause issues for instance.

workshy44 Thu 06-Aug-20 10:07:21

Oh god I can see why this would have been an issue coming from a sexless marriage.
V likely he was just nervous but if it continues I would probably move on. Its too early for just kisses and cuddles and if it is something having to "work through" it with him

jillandhersprite Thu 06-Aug-20 10:12:50

First time with DH was a bit disappointing - we were both far too excited and nervous.
I wouldn't dump because of 1 time.
But what you are going to learn is a lot about how he deals with things - is he pretending it didn't happen, able to make a joke about it, gone all serious and worried or blaming you in some small way? How he reacts is a pointer to the person he is, how he communicates and deals with problems. Use that kind of information with other clues to decide if you want to be with him - not the fact that first attempt at sex was disappointing.

DutchTulip19 Thu 06-Aug-20 10:15:11

From a male perspective, this seems completely normal, especially if he is serious about you and either feels 'out of practice' or relatively inexperienced. It sounds like he was anxious about 'performing' and, unfortunately, this anxiety effected his performance... I've been there.

There could be a bigger issue, but I don't think it's possible to tell yet. Nerves, worries etc can certainly lead to loss of erection. It's important not to let it become a viscious cycle. He will quite possibly feel low about what happened and lacking in confidence now and just wants to be at his best and show you how much he likes you.

yesyesdear Thu 06-Aug-20 10:25:33

My DH had this issue a few times when we first started going out. He put so much pressure on himself to make it a great experience, that he couldn’t perform. Once we talked about it and he became more comfortable, it wasn’t an issue, quite the opposite!! gringrin

Sparkybloke Thu 06-Aug-20 10:26:07

Agree 100% with dutchtulip.....nerves were almost certainly the issue....hopefully he will be less nervous next time....give him a chance😊

museumum Thu 06-Aug-20 10:29:03

For me this would entirely depend on his willingness to “do other things” and how the foreplay had been up to that point.

LesLavandes Thu 06-Aug-20 10:34:09

I wouldn't worry

Atalune Thu 06-Aug-20 10:45:27

Did he have an Erection to start with? If he did and then lost it I would be very happy to take my time and make him more comfortable and confident.

If he wasn’t able to become hard at all, I would worry there was an issue he was not telling me about and that would be an issue for me.

oakleaffy Thu 06-Aug-20 10:49:07

Just don't say things like
''Is it in yet?''
Or ''Like trying to shove a marshmallow in a money box''

Or ''Have you heard of viagra?''

Women tend to think ''He doesn't fancy me'' when they are confronted with this....But it is probably down to his nerves..

It must be horrid to be a bloke and have to worry about erections.

''Performance anxiety''...
But if he is skilled in other areas....... that is a big plus.

I had a partner like this years ago, and it was down to sheer nerves.

I found out {he lived in a rural area} that he was ''famous'' for it..and was subjected to the tormenting comments made at the top of my post.

If he drinks, this could affect it. Viagra may help...

It can be dispiriting, as one can coax it along, but show it a condom and BOOM it collapses like a house of cards.

Kaiserin Thu 06-Aug-20 11:07:11

For me this would entirely depend on his willingness to “do other things” and how the foreplay had been up to that point.
This. You don't need a penis to have sex.
However, at 39, if he doesn't know how to please a woman in bed without using his own genitals... Then he has a lot to learn. And that could be more of a concern.
Still, early days... If otherwise all is well, do give him a chance!

blissfulllife Thu 06-Aug-20 11:31:11

Same here with my partner. He felt out of practise, under a bit of pressure to please me and felt I was out of his league. Things soon improved. He was like a dog with two dicks in no time 😂

Cheeseandwin5 Thu 06-Aug-20 12:10:28

Off course if you want to dump him, you can and you really don't need a reason. That said I think you will probably find it difficult to find a partner who ticks all the boxes.
Sex like love is a two street and it takes you both contribute and practice to make it good.

bloomingmad Thu 06-Aug-20 13:22:51

He did have an erection when we still had our clothes on. I tried to give him a hand job when he was naked and he did go a bit harder but not hard enough!

Sounds like I maybe shouldn't give up hope just yet and the foreplay was good.

OP’s posts: |
Menora Thu 06-Aug-20 13:27:21

First couple of times I had sex with my new boyfriend was a kind of disaster he was so nervous! But a couple months down the line we have really synced with each other and I’m glad I stuck it out

LivingMyBestLife2020 Thu 06-Aug-20 13:30:06

From my recent experience, it’s pretty normal! Since I started dating, all 3 of the men I’ve slept with have struggled. All were hard during foreplay but lost it before or during sex. All were good after a couple of sessions.
Give the guy a break

BoudicasBoudoir Thu 06-Aug-20 14:00:59

Entirely normal I reckon. Just nerves.

BuffaloCauliflower Thu 06-Aug-20 14:05:04

DH couldn’t get it up the first time we tried. He hadn’t had sex in a couple of years and he was nervous. We didn’t try again for about 3-4 weeks and then it was fine, I don’t think it’s happened once more in the 8 years since. Give him the benefit of the doubt, men have feelings about sex too they’re not robots.

LuluLala2 Thu 06-Aug-20 14:11:37

Cant believe how many are saying its normal for first time and stick at it. It isnt too early to consider if something is a red flag either confused
I would be turned off. I want someone confident in bed.

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