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I slept with someone whilst we were broken up. Now I'm thinking of getting back with my ex. How to stop feeling guilty?

(22 Posts)
Lovely737 Thu 06-Aug-20 09:13:13

I was with my ex for 6 years. We took each others virginity. Towards the end of the relationship, my ex started to talk to other girls on social media, which I found out about and he continuously lied to me about it even though I saw the messages. I forgave him and stayed because I love him. One of the girls was from his workplace. I was devastated, but I stayed. He also stopped bringing me around his friends for the last 2 and half years of the relationship. I would ask to come and he would get angry and be really rude to me and shout at me. He would also lie and say girls weren't going to the outings, which I found out wasn't true.

I broke up with him at the end of last year but we were still meeting up and he really wanted me back. However, i found out that he chatted up a girl when he was with his friends less than 2 weeks after we broke up (whilst he was still begging for me to take him back). He lied about this too.

3 months after breaking up, I took him back. After 3 months of being together again, I found out he was on Tinder talking to another girl. I saw all of the messages and I was heartbroken and devastated. I ended things and blocked him on everything. So he began to email me. I ignored his emails for 2 months and then responded and said I'm not interested. He continued to email me so I blocked his emails. This week he turned up at my house and said how sorry he is and how much he loves me and misses me. I told him I love him too and miss him.

The only thing is I slept with someone once after being broken up with him for almost 3 months. I wasn't planning to get back him at all as he completely broke my heart twice.

The sex didn't mean anything. The guy actually used me as he acted interested until we had sex then became distant. This was really difficult for me as I felt disgusting and used as I only ever sex with my ex and I felt used, rejected and dirty. I still feel this way about it now. I even had an anxiety attack the day after realising that I was used.

My ex asked if I'd been with anyone else whilst we weren't together and I denied it as it will destroy him and probably ruin our chances of a happy relationship.

How do I stop feeling guilty without telling him about it?

OP’s posts: |
Hazelnutlatteplease Thu 06-Aug-20 09:17:19

I wouldn't worry. He will lie and cheat on you when you are back in a relationship so lying and not cheating on him when you weren't even in a relationship really isnt a big deal.

He will continue to cheat on you.

AnotherEmma Thu 06-Aug-20 09:20:16

I advise you not to get back together with him and to focus on building your self-esteem and raising your standards when it comes to men.

Side note, unless they were all underage, he was talking to other women, not girls.

MiddleClassProblem Thu 06-Aug-20 09:22:59

Don’t get back with him. He’s shown you it’s not a one time thing.

And with not being with him you don’t owe him the truth.

You need to go go out there and have more experiences. The reason you are so tied to him is that he’s all you know.

Shut that door and help yourself grow. You deserve better.

DelphiniumBlue Thu 06-Aug-20 09:30:37

From your description he is a liar and a cheat. He's shown that several times. So why do you want to get back with him? And even if you did, what business is it of his what you did while you weren't together?

As for feeling used etc, maybe casual sex isn't for you - it doesn't work for everyone. But to be fair, presumably you slept with the guy because you wanted to at the time. Putting value judgements on what is a normal human activity isn't helpful for you. You could say the guy "used "you for sex, but what did you do? Were you "using" him to help you get over your ex? Did you actually want to have sex yourself?Is it a question of learning how to say no? At worst, you made a mistake - don't beat yourself up about it.

Aerial2020 Thu 06-Aug-20 09:34:51

When he asked you could have said it's non his business. Because it's not.
And yes he will cheat on you again as you've forgiven him every other single time. Bombarding you with emails is a concern and a need flag and he sounds controlling. I would never tell him anything, he will use it against you.

LizzieBlackwell Thu 06-Aug-20 09:36:38

Your not going to have a happy ever after with this guy because he is an idiot.

SandyY2K Thu 06-Aug-20 09:39:07

It wouldn't be sensible to get back with him. He didn't treat you well during the relationship.

The best thing you did was block him after ending it a second time.... after everything he has done (see below), what logic are you using to want to get back with him? Love isn't enough to be with a man like this.

He is a proven liar and untrustworthy...the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

Don't ignore and look over the reality of who he is.

he continuously lied to me about it even though I saw the messages

he would get angry and be really rude to me and shout at me.

He would also lie and say girls weren't going to the outings, which I found out wasn't true.

However, i found out that he chatted up a girl when he was with his friends less than 2 weeks after we broke up (whilst he was still begging for me to take him back). He lied about this too.

After 3 months of being together again, I found out he was on Tinder talking to another girl.

AramintaLee Thu 06-Aug-20 09:39:37

Why on earth would you even want to get back with him given what he's done? Love isn't enough sometimes. I think you're probably feeling used and rejected by the guy you slept with and so you're clutching at a relationship that was never good in the first place. Find some self respect (because you deserve it) and find a man who respects you.

Fightthebear Thu 06-Aug-20 09:44:41

Jesus - he’s cheated on you repeatedly and you’re worrying about sleeping with someone else after you’d broken up?!

This is all kinds of messed up. Never get back together with him and work on having healthy boundaries.

motheroreily Thu 06-Aug-20 09:51:07

You've had lots of good insights here.

You blocked him and he turned up at your house. That isn't OK. I don't think any of this sounds healthy. He cheated and you are worried about having sex with someone when you aren't together.

I had a similar relationship on and off over 6 years. As someone else said further up it was all I knew. So I'd go back so many times. I changed my number and didn't speak to him for a year and I was happy. Then he turned up at my house and we got back together. Why??? He didn't make me happy. He was controlling and manipulative and so draining to be around. I think it was because I didn't know anything else.

You need to be find your own confidence and esteem.

rbe78 Thu 06-Aug-20 09:56:21

Oh, please don't get back together with this man (boy?). He sounds awful, and you sound young and lacking in confidence Forget about men for a time, concentrate on filling your life full of things that make you happy and strong and confident - be that friends, work, hobbies, family. When you feel fantastic about yourself, you will find yourself gravitating towards relationships which enhance that feeling, rather than drag you down. Please look after yourself...

Chickenwing Thu 06-Aug-20 10:04:20

Do not get back with that arsehole. He has probably slept with many people since you have split and I bet he doesn't feel guilty.

You dont need to feel bad about sleeping with someone. You were single and dont owe anyone an explanation. It is also none of your ex business.

Getting back with this man would be a mistake. He will continue to cheat on you. You need to higher your standards and love yourself a bit more. You are worth more than this man. When he turned up at the door you should have told him where to go for not respecting your decision.

Twizbe Thu 06-Aug-20 10:05:13

How old are you?

Either way, do yourself a favour and dump the man child. He isn't the one for you.

Do you think he felt this guilty every time he contacted those other women? Course not! And you weren't together when you slept with this man. You're allowed to have a sex life.

FourBunnies Thu 06-Aug-20 10:14:42

What they all said.

Sunshineandflipflops Thu 06-Aug-20 10:29:01

You both sound like children to be honest. Forgive someone once for cheating and they will do it again. Ask me how I know.

bedjolly Thu 06-Aug-20 10:42:06

Definitely don't feel guilty and if I were you I wouldn't even tell him, none of his business seeing as how shitty he's treated you. Now, if he was an amazing boyfriend and you were getting back with him and felt guilty, I would understand. But you haven't cheated on him, he was talking to other girls whilst with you and you had sex whilst single. You never betrayed his trust. If I were you, even though it seems hard, I would take time to focus on yourself and find someone new. Good luck. xx

MitziK Thu 06-Aug-20 11:23:59

How do you stop feeling guilty?

By reminding yourself that he's been screwing around for years ('talking to girls'? Yeah, right). And not getting back with him because of his appalling behaviour in the first place.

PicsInRed Thu 06-Aug-20 13:19:26

1. It's not cheating if you were broken up.
2. He almost certainly cheated on you repeatedly.
3. If you take him back, he'll ruin your life.
4. Don't get pregnant to him. Ever. See 3, above.

OffThePlanet Thu 06-Aug-20 17:02:10

Do you not think your ex wasn’t sleeping around before you broke up, let alone while you had broken up.

You are being naive to think he is going to be different if you get back together. Finish with him for good and give yourself a chance to meet a faithful man who isn’t on the prowl for other women. Life is too short to waste on your ex.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 06-Aug-20 17:12:57

Please value yourself more than this OP.
Your Ex is a loser and a cheat and a liar.
Why are you even considering taking him back?
It will be much of the same over and over.
Stop enabling this behaviour.

Take back some control of your life.
You are even feeling guilty for something that was absolutely normal and you were not with your Ex.
Keep him an Ex.
Get out there and enjoy your young life!!!
Don't accept crappy treatment.
And certainly don't reward it by taking him back - AGAIN!!!!
Learn your lesson here.
He is NOT a good one!
He is an asshole!
Please listen to us.
We know exactly how this will pan out if you take him back.
DON'T DO IT!!!!

MulticolourMophead Thu 06-Aug-20 18:05:44

I'm going to say the same as the others.

You really don't want to get back with this man. He will cheat on you, again and again, because you've already proven you'll forgive him every time. He will NOT change.

I would suggest doing the Freedom programme to enable you to create healthy boundaries.

And sleeping with someone else while you weren't together isn't cheating. He'll certainly have done plenty of that and won't be feeling guilty about it.

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