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Friend's ex resurfacing.. Advice needed x

(12 Posts)
Maxine3477 Thu 06-Aug-20 08:08:53

Ok, so I'm very protective of my best friend (although she's a grown woman lol).

Yesterday she disclosed to me that her Turkish ex-boyfriend from about 10 years ago messaged her recently to say he's coming to the UK (he lives back in Turkey now) on a business trip whilst his wife and kids stayed at home in Turkey.

My friend told me it would have been his first trip back to the UK after they split all those years ago but, for reasons unknown, he kept her contact details and sent an email saying how much he regrets the past, should have have stood up to his parents (culture - they pressured him to marry a stranger and he did it), regrets being so weak, should have fought harder... etc etc.

His email to her was full of self-pity and regret (although my friend has moved on since then and has a nice life now).

Anyway, to cut the long story short, he told her he was coming back to the UK for 2 weeks on a business trip and asked her to meet him for a meal and spend time together just "as friends".

She declined, saying no because it would have been completely disrespectful to his wife (who probably knows nothing about his past), and told him he should be ashamed of himself for even suggesting it. She told him it was out of the question as she understand that it wasn't appropriate... There is no concept of males and females being "just friends" in his culture and he knows it. He describes himself as a "practising Muslim" as well.

I should add that he's not the stereotypical holiday resort love rat kind of guy who's like 18 and goes for older woman, draining them of money etc and just after a visa. He's a highly successful and established person with a professional career and his own home etc.

Anyway, he replied and thanked my friend for bringing him down to earth with a bump, by snapping him out of his dream world where they could still be together (his words, not hers!).

He arrived in the UK then contacted my friend, asking to meet up AGAIN after she had refused... Said he was feeling depressed about being in a miserable marriage...Again my friend refused to meet and said it was his OWN fault that he's in that kind of miserable situation married to someone he didn't want.

Throughout his trip he continued emailing asking her to reconsider... He kept harrassing her to meet and went him last week back to his wife and kids.

I'm so angry with him, but I can't tell my friend as she would feel sorry for him.

I really want his wife to know what kind of a rat she married. He was bad-mouthing his wife all the time then wanted to meet up with his ex (my friend) as soon as he was back in the UK for a visit.

Should I tell his wife? - obviously making it clear that I'm the friend of his ex, rather than the ex herself. I would want to know if my husband were behaving like that! I've found a profile for his wife on social media and feel like sending her a message to let her know how her husband is trying his luck with his ex behind the wife's back.

My friend has already told him to stop contacting her but he continues.... Even she threatened to tell his wife but he doesn't seem bothered. So little respect for her.. what a rat.

I know people would might say it's none of my business but it kills me to see my friend so upset. She was heartbroken when this guy originally messed her around and married his cousin. He claimed he was "forced" into it (despite being an adult, highly educated and self-sufficient at the time). He never showed any thought for my friend whilst he was messing her around because of his own weakness. It was all about him.

Would you want to know if your husband/parter was behaving in such a way?

OP’s posts: |
Howyiz Thu 06-Aug-20 12:54:25

Just mind your own business. If your friend didn't want to speak with him she could have blocked him at any point.

LuluBellaBlue Thu 06-Aug-20 12:58:31

wow I can't believe how invested in this you are! Seriously mind your own business. sorry to sound harsh, but it's like you're looking for drama and excited to be involved in potentially hurting someone and messing up their family.

BrowncoatWaffles Thu 06-Aug-20 15:06:48

This is none of your business and all you're potentially doing is raining drama down on your friend - who seems very sensible and calm and dealing with it really well.

Honestly, if someone contacted you saying they were 'a friend' of an ex, would you believe that? Really? Or assume it was the ex/OW directly?

BuffaloMozzerella Thu 06-Aug-20 15:20:15

I wouldnt tell the wife in this situation. You don't know anything about how his marriage is set up or how this information may affect the wife (other than potentially hurting her).

I would continue to support your friend and be thankful that she is strong enough to resist him. That's the main thing here.

tankflybos Thu 06-Aug-20 15:34:28

Jesus, back off. If she wanted him to stop she'd block him.

katscamel Sat 08-Aug-20 19:57:00

The fact he married his cousin is a cultural norm...rightly or wrongly and there was probably a lot of pressure put on him to go through with it.
As others have said, your friend could have blocked him, but didn't.... so does this imply she still has feelings for him which would explain your protectiveness.
As telling his wife... I'm guessing the language barrier could cause issues.
Finally.... if your friend was still interested in him, if he had the means and if his wife agreed she could theoretically be a 2nd wife (a lot of the benefits but no smelly sock washing grin)
It works for some.

backseatcookers Sat 08-Aug-20 20:12:24

God you must be bored, I can't be arsed getting that involved with the ins and outs of a relationship unless it's one I'm actually in!

Elieza Sat 08-Aug-20 22:18:54

My friend was in the exact same situation.

She managed to block him. He used a friends phone to ring her. He was persistent.

He didn’t seem to mind he was disrespecting his wife. His plan was to go home the wife once a year and do his duty and impregnate her, work abroad with a mistress (my pal) the rest of the year, sending money back to his mum and wife, and somehow all that was all fine.

She kept strong and told him where to stop off. Years later he still occasionally contacts her. Probably each time he gets a new phone and number she hasn’t already blocked!

MrsClatterbuck Sun 09-Aug-20 06:35:56

From the sounds of it your doesn't really need your protection. She managed the situation perfectly well on her own. All you need to do is support her and let her know she did the right thing. Maybe you could encourage her to block him and so avoid a repeat scenario.

category12 Sun 09-Aug-20 07:50:12

It's not very protective of you to go behind her back and potentially rain a load of shit down on your friend. That's what you would be doing if you stick your oar in. She'd get the finger pointed at her.

Support your friend's decisions and don't go meddling.

Happynow001 Sun 09-Aug-20 14:43:03


Given how persistent he's been, maybe just suggest to your friend that she either blocks him or, if she can, changes her number. Also either she changes her email address or marks up his emails so they can go straight into her Junk folder where she can delete them without reading.

If I were you, I'd resist contacting the wife in this scenario. You could be dropping a bomb not just on his household, but possibly bringing an angry man into your friends life as I'm sure he'll think she had something to do with your actions. 🌹

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