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Help with finding strength

(111 Posts)
Worried1981 Wed 05-Aug-20 20:07:27

I have posted here a couple of times about my marriage and got some really good advice . My husband is verbally abusive and will swear , call me names and become aggressive during arguments . He has also broken things in anger in front of the DC. I know I need to leave for my children’s sake . My name is on the house although I didn’t contribute towards this . My problem is when I try and discuss separating he becomes angry and tells me I should be prepared for a war . His family are very very wealthy and he could get an expensive lawyer . I am so scared of losing custody of my children . He calls me mental etc and I am not fit to have them . I am currently a stay at home mum and desperately looking fir work . I have been a stay at home mum since my first child was born 8 years ago as DH works long hours and I do all the childcare . Lockdown has been horrendous . Please could someone advise me how much a good family solicitor is likely to cost ? Given he is going to make things very difficult . Thanks so much for any advice .

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Babynumber2dueNov Wed 05-Aug-20 20:51:46

No advice from experience or anything. However what I would do is start recording everything I could as evidence, logged and stored with times and dates. Anything from the past you can find for evidence of his abuse and then seek legal support. Tell people you trust, record when he’s screaming and swearing at you. Ideally tell someone who’s not a friend eg your gp so there’s an extra layer of evidence. He is very very unlikely to get custody as you’re SAHM, but seek support. Speak to women’s aid, research as much as you can. You can do this. He thinks you have to prepare for battle? HE DOES! You’re a strong mother, be the dark horse. He won’t know what’s hit him xxxx

Worried1981 Wed 05-Aug-20 21:25:33

Thank you . I have been making a note of incidents that happen in front of the children . I am worried I won’t have the funds for all of the legal costs . I can’t afford to move out during the process either .

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Worried1981 Thu 06-Aug-20 02:53:33

Does anyone know roughly how much it costs to get legal support ? So worried about it all that I don’t know where to start 😥

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lukasiak Thu 06-Aug-20 03:05:40

God, people are going to hate this advice, but call his bluff. Leave him the kids. If he isn't the primary care giver by week two he will be begging you to take them back and all the ammunition will be removed from his gun.

Worried1981 Thu 06-Aug-20 03:27:45

I couldn’t do that to my kids. I can’t remember the last time he even got up with them in the morning.

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lukasiak Thu 06-Aug-20 03:31:45


I couldn’t do that to my kids. I can’t remember the last time he even got up with them in the morning.

Exactly, and your ex knows that, which is why he is playing that card like a royal flush.

He won't last three days with them on his own before his begging for you to take them back. Three days that will save both you and the kids a lifetime of stress. The only way to win with bastards like this is to take away they're control. If they realise that they can't control you through the kids, they lose interest pretty damn fast.

lukasiak Thu 06-Aug-20 03:34:59

Also, chances are you won't even need to leave them. You just need him believe that you will. If he's never cared for them before on his own, he'll bolt at the idea.

category12 Thu 06-Aug-20 06:52:19

I really wouldn't leave him with the kids. For one thing, it'll upset and potentially traumatise the children, and for another, it'll give him leverage to say you're unfit.

As you are living in fear, I would speak with Women's Aid. He may not have been violent with you directly, but smashing things and his verbal abuse are forms of domestic abuse. You may possibly be eligible for legal aid because of the abuse. Get help and support from them and the Rights of Women.

As you are married, it doesn't matter whose name assets are under, you have a claim on them all, plus pensions etc.

Get support around you, get legal advice on the quiet, and make your exit plan.

category12 Thu 06-Aug-20 07:02:50

You may also be able to find a solicitor who does a free initial consultation to get you started.

Worried1981 Thu 06-Aug-20 07:27:03

Thank you . I will call women’s aid as soon as I get the opportunity. My worry is going through the legal process when we are still living together ( separate rooms ). I worry about how he will react . I have to do something now though . Thanks for all the help .

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category12 Thu 06-Aug-20 07:33:53

You may be able to get an occupation order for your home, possibly alongside a non-molestation order.

Please use his abusive behaviour against him, don't cover for him any longer. Record everything you can remember, every incident, somewhere safe. And be prepared to call the police if he's threatening, frightening or violent in any way. It can only help your case, and you need external support. Leaving is the most dangerous time.

HollowTalk Thu 06-Aug-20 07:40:58


God, people are going to hate this advice, but call his bluff. Leave him the kids. If he isn't the primary care giver by week two he will be begging you to take them back and all the ammunition will be removed from his gun.

This is appalling advice. It'll traumatise the children and give him the biggest possible weapon to beat her with.

Helpimfalling Thu 06-Aug-20 07:43:47

Do not leave him with the kids i know the lady probably meant well

BUT if social services were to get involved or court they would drag you over the coals for leaving them with him.

They will do the same for any prolonged staying with him.

Log anything and everything.

Legal aid is free for anyone who's going through or been through domestic abuse.

If you need to call the police call them logging the incidents help your case.

Verbal is just as bad if not worse then physical please leave no matter what

Worried1981 Thu 06-Aug-20 07:47:16

Thank you . I have been writing it down on my phone . Once I did tell him I would call the police and he took my phone off me. He will definitely go to his mum for financial support as she is very wealthy and will support him ( even though she knows how he can be ) . Thanks again, I really do appreciate it

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madcatladyforever Thu 06-Aug-20 07:53:11

Dear OP men like that always say this. They think they can bully and intimidate you. Both my husbands did this at divorce.
Write down everything, document everything, keep a diary and put every single thing he says and does in it. You will need evidence.
You can get a job after the divorce, don't get one now, you are far more likely to get full custody of the children and a better deal if you don't have a job when you get divorced and are fully there for the children.
Judges see through bluster like this they are not fools. It doesn't matter how rich he is.
I won every time, don't be bullied, get away from this awful man and don't let fear get in your way.

category12 Thu 06-Aug-20 10:34:33

Taking your phone off you is not a good sign. Is there a lockable room that you can retreat to with a phone? Do you have an old handset anywhere you could put a pay as you go sim in and keep somewhere he doesn't know about?

Do please start speaking with Women's Aid and local domestic abuse services.

crunchiebabe Thu 06-Aug-20 11:40:13

Call the police , his behaviour is abusive towards you and your children. Get this behaviour logged and then apply for an occupation order. Don't be bullied by him or his family. You and your children need to be safe. Doesn't matter how wealthy his family is , courts always look at the childrens' best interest re housing . You can do it

Worried1981 Thu 06-Aug-20 11:53:46

Thank you everyone . The advice is really helpful . I have just tried to have a conversation about it and he just told me to go away and won’t engage with me at all . I could see he was getting angry . I have been trying to get a TA job at the school and am looking into online courses so I can be there for the kids . I am just so anxious about it all. I will call women’s aid or email them as he is always in the house and I have the children with me .

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Worried1981 Sun 09-Aug-20 17:25:49

Sorry I am after more advice as I find this forum such a big support . Today he said he wants to get me mentally assessed , this isn’t the first time he has said this .. I am going to make an appointment with the gp this week and tell all about all the names etc and I will say this situation is making me anxious . I am also calling solicitor first thing tomorrow. He refuses to discuss a proper separation and I just get a load of abuse .

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Worried1981 Sun 09-Aug-20 19:37:02

I am also wondering if anyone has any advice re questions for solicitors

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category12 Sun 09-Aug-20 20:01:51

I'd ask about trying to get an occupation order and non-molestation order, and whether you'd be eligible for legal aid as there is domestic abuse.

pog100 Sun 09-Aug-20 20:26:10

Stop worrying about solicitors and his mum's money, you have right on your side. Content women's aid, they have seen it all before, as have judges if it comes to that. He can't "have you mentally assessed" you after an independent competent adult! Seeing a gp might be a good idea in your own right though, to log his abuse and the effect it's having on you and your children. You are in a much stronger position then you think, just start acting and carrying through rather than worrying.

Worried1981 Sun 09-Aug-20 20:31:50

Thank you both for the advice . I will ask about the orders when I speak with the solicitor . I know I do sound a bit pathetic and need to get on with it .

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pog100 Sun 09-Aug-20 21:43:55

You don't sound pathetic, you spend beaten down, but you've got this OP. Just show some determination and you'll push it through.

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