Did you message your ghost?

(22 Posts)
LostandLockeddown Wed 05-Aug-20 17:51:38

If you were ghosted after any period of time, did you confront them? Do you regret it? If you didn't, then how did you find peace?

I had a thread recently about my ex who really messed me about. After going no contact after he ended things by email (when prompted), he got me talking to him again through persistent messages and there were signs he might want to reconcile. He missed me etc. We met and talked which was emotional and then soon after he ghosted me. I guess he just couldn't deal with it.

This was a serious relationship that lasted a year and a half. I'm heartbroken. Still. It's been 4 months since we split but only 3 weeks since his last (ever?) message. I felt like I was making progress and feeling more at peace but today I'm feeling all wobbly again. This is hard. sad

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Crystalspider Wed 05-Aug-20 18:07:43

It really depends on why you split and if you both can put the effort into repairing it.
If you feel you need some closure or try to work it out again, perhaps you could try calling him at a time you know he's likely to be home, if he doesn't answer, leave a message then see if it contacts you. Follow your instincts, if you don't try then you'll always wonder, but if there is further communication I would suggest keeping it more light hearted to begin with, you want him to see that you've grown from the situation.

I haven't done this but I was the ghoster and my ex got in touch again, I am giving him a second chance so it can happen if you're both willing to.

LostandLockeddown Wed 05-Aug-20 18:14:47

@Crystalspider why did you do it instead of talking to your bf? I don't quite understand why you are the one giving him a chance, unless he did something bad?

We met and talked after the split. He said I hadn't done anything wrong. He's got issues and if he's done this then I guess he doesn't want to work through them or work on having a relationship.

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Crystalspider Wed 05-Aug-20 18:25:32

He wasn't willing to see my point of view, I knew it would be heading towards an argument if I carried on messaging, in hindsight a phone call may of gone better. I think with some time passing gave us time to both think it through.

It can cause awkwardness when it's been a while and if it got too emotional but if you believe there should be a second go of things then reach out, if he's a decent guy he will at least give you some closure.

looop Wed 05-Aug-20 18:28:11

Oh sad
Personally; I would leave it. He's messed you around enough, you gave him another chance and now he's done this!

No doubt he will comeback round again (they always do!) It's then (and only then) that I think you should confront him about it. For your own sake, you need to reinstate the no contact.

There is nothing worse than someone who cannot communicate. I have been 'ghosted' by a colleague/blurry friend, just last week. Completely ignored. It hurts like hell. Fortunately for me, I'm on annual leave so don't have to see them for a while. But I will have the same predicament - to confront or not.

I understand the ups and downs, and you're allowed to have days like this where you second guess yourself. Sending virtual hugs thanks

LostandLockeddown Wed 05-Aug-20 18:30:36

@Crystalspider I see. That makes sense. More like cooling off than ghosting maybe.

There was nothing like that with us. Never had an argument... Ever. I know why but at same time it really hurts that he could do this. sad

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MikeUniformMike Wed 05-Aug-20 18:38:57

Block him. Phone, e-mail and SM.


LostandLockeddown Wed 05-Aug-20 18:40:19

@looop thank you. That helps. You're right. I spoke to my brother yesterday and he kind of implied I should 'fight for him' but I feel like i should respect where he is. If he isn't sure, then surely it's best to leave him to work out what he wants? Obviously it isn't me if he's ghosted me. But convo with my bro was a bit unsettling when I've been trying hard to keep walking away sad

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PammieDooveOrangeJoof Wed 05-Aug-20 18:42:14

How was the meeting left and who sent the last message afterwards and what did that say?

LostandLockeddown Wed 05-Aug-20 18:50:02

@PammieDooveOrangeJoof the meeting ended with a big hug and kiss (not passionate) and I said something like "might this be it then? This might be the last time we see each other?" as we hadn't come to any conclusion. He said not to think like that. He rang me a few hours later for a chat. He texted that it had been good to talk. Later that week I was feeling in limbo still so I asked if maybe he wanted to meet up again and talk again some time soonish. (He was ringing and texting every other day or so). We pencilled in a date.

The last message I sent was a week before the 2nd meet up date and I just said I was glad he'd had a good day. He been outdoing something nice and had sent me some photos. That was it. The meet up date came and went. Just nothing at all from him since. sad

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SanFrancisco49er Wed 05-Aug-20 19:12:34

Don't be fooled by the 'romance' of the idea of fighting for someone. A good relationship doesn't involve having to do that!
I learnt this the hard way, as most people do, before finding a wonderful, kind, loving and most importantly, reciprocal relationship.
The best thing you can do is stay strong and leave it now. I would agree with blocking him on everything, it's so hard but really will help.
He has treated you unkindly and without respect. Try to remember this when you are having a wobble and remind yourself, is thar really the kind of man you want a relationship with? If you wouldn't treat someone this way, why are you allowing yourself to be treated this way?
Honestly, I know how hard it is but be strong.
Also, and I dont usually like speculation, but having re read your posts it jumped oit at me a bit, have you considered he may have met someone else?
Stay strong and good luck.

LostandLockeddown Wed 05-Aug-20 19:25:38

@SanFrancisco49er I have blocked him. But my phone tells me if any blocked numbers have tried and there's nothing. I did think whether he may have met someone else. I don't think it's likely (in lockdown) and for other reasons but it is possible. But I can't bear to think about it to be honest.

I do need to hear that I'm doing the right thing to keep walking away. I'm just struggling. I still love him. He loved me at one point. Not sure why it couldn't last. His choice I know. sad

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SanFrancisco49er Wed 05-Aug-20 20:16:26

You absolutely are and it is so hard I know.
If it's any consolation, the man who broke my heart over several years by doing very similar things, has always stayed in touch on and off but recently told me he massively regrets how he treated me and wishes he married me. I had a vague feeling of closure for my former self but my overriding sense was of relief that I walked away (after a lot of back and forth) and found my husband who has made me a million times happier.
Weirdly, hearing my ex had met someone else, horrible though it was, really helped me as I wouldn't touch a man involved with someone else so I had no choice but to move on.
Keep posting on here if it helps as it sounds like you're doing really well in what is a really hard situaion!

Aerial2020 Wed 05-Aug-20 20:29:21

But he's not fighting for you is he?

LostandLockeddown Wed 05-Aug-20 20:34:09

@SanFrancisco49er thank you. You're kind.

@Aerial2020 no, he isn't. I know sad

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Aerial2020 Wed 05-Aug-20 20:35:53


PammieDooveOrangeJoof Wed 05-Aug-20 21:03:02

On the back of that meeting and convo after I’d just leave it and block him. That was closest to ‘closure’ that you Will get I think.
To me it seems from those last interactions that he hadn’t changed his mind to finish it so now it’s onwards and upwards for you.

Newbiehere123 Wed 05-Aug-20 21:12:38

I was dumped by text and it hurt me because I didn't get the closure. He told me he was going to call to talk through when he got back from his business trip and he never did. I waited about 10 days for that call (stupid I know) and then I blocked him off everywhere. I never contacted him
ever again and still don't know to this date if he did contact me. I heard he is getting married so I stalked on social media (had to unblock him) he is getting married to a beautiful girl 12 years younger than him and successful business woman. At first I kind of felt omg karma hasn't smacked him in the face but soon I realised she is one of those annoying people like Meghan. Preaches on social media constantly about climate change, wars, poverty and social injustices but the business she owns and the lifestyle she lives says otherwise. A friend of mine actually said they are like Harry and Meghan lol where my ghoster toddles behind her.

A few weeks after I was ghosted by him, I found a job and was a manager at department where I was given 200k to spend in budget. The ghoster worked in the same industry and my comeback was I sent a generic email to his business partner what I was looking for as a new supplier, he got in contact with me immediately as they were struggling in business for finding clients and I spoke to his business partner. Later I said I will contact them and I never did. He called back and I spoke to him and said I decided to go with a different supplier wink

LostandLockeddown Wed 05-Aug-20 22:05:35

@Newbiehere123 that sounds satisfying for you! smile I don't have any ill feelings towards my ex at all. I probably should. I think there's something wrong with me. When my abusive exh ended things I even worried about him and he was vile to me.

I am having counselling but feel like I need telling stuff repeatedly.

@PammieDooveOrangeJoof I wish I could feel there's an upwards. I was feeling more positive the other day. Today I just feel like nobody I want will ever want me back. Ex said he wanted to be with me forever. I wish he'd meant it or meant it for more than 5 minutes.

I'm sorry for being pathetic. Just an off day.

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Newbiehere123 Wed 05-Aug-20 22:19:14

@LostandLockeddown it was the least I could do. I've never dumped anyone by text or ghosted anyone. I treated everyone as how I wanted to be treated and found it really shitty. What I've found is that never ever go back to someone who has dumped/ghosted you as it always ends in heartbreak unless the separation is mutual and somehow years later you decide to give it a go and in many cases it works but with dumping/ghosting it doesn't work out. Also, if a man/woman wants to work that relationship they will make it work. There is never "I'm busy" or "I'm not ready" or "I need time" or any excuses in love. Don't contact him ever again and trust me, never look back. You will regret all the time you have wasted even thinking about the what if's. You deserve someone decent and serious to commit to you and that person will come. In my case, that person came and I'm married to him and have a beautiful child and I thank my lucky stars that I never ever contacted him and he dumped me. Him dumping me gave me a new perspective of what I wanted and needed in a relationship and my DH has more than anything that loser could have ever provided.

LostandLockeddown Wed 05-Aug-20 22:48:09

Thank you @Newbiehere123. I'm much older than you. I'm 46. I suppose I don't feel like there's many good guys available. Most on online dating are awful. I will try and keep the faith. And no, I won't message him.

I'm grateful for all replies. It really helps when havi g a bad day.

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LostandLockeddown Thu 06-Aug-20 18:05:16

Thank you all of you for your comments. Still rereading them to keep strong. I cry every day. I still love him so much. We had such a connection. We talked every day. He's left such a hole in my world. sad

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