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My partner thinks I've been unreasonable.... please give me opinions

(281 Posts)
Gemlouiski Wed 05-Aug-20 16:26:12

Okay people, I really need to ask some other peoples opinions on a situation I'm in at the moment.

I have 2 little boys. 4 and 8. They are my life. I'd do anything for them. I have a partner, who is not their father (they have a good relationship with their real dad) my partner has always been very good with my boys, he has no children of his own but has apparently always wanted a family. 3 months ago my partner and I decided to take advantage of the lockdown situation and as my children were not having to attend school... we decided to do a trial move in 'holiday's to give us all the chance to see how we got along living together before making the huge decision to permanently move in together. My partner owns a house but its 45 minute away from my home town and my boys school so the only reason this was even possible was due to lockdown/ summer holidays. Anyway... 5 weeks ago I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. Although it was unplanned... for the first week we were literally ecstatic. But then suddenly the topic of buying a house came to the forefront. I had always been very clear to my partner that I did want to move my boys from their school. My eldest had already moved schools once after a traumatic start in a bad school. He was finally settled and happy and had a good group of friends. Naturally my feelings on this hadnt changed. Add to that that I had just started a fantastic new job with great career opportunities and that I had childcare which enabled me to work sorted that was specific to my area (provided by local family) I expressed that I thought it was best for us all as a family to look to move to and area local enough to my job and my childrens school. (My partner works from home so his job is not affected by location)....my area is more expensive but after receiving a joint mortgage quote we realised we would just about be able to afford something nice and big enough in my home town which was a pleasant surprise. However now the trouble started. To cut a very long story short... my partner and his family (mum and step dad).... felt I was being unfair expecting my partner to sell his house so we could buy closer to my home town. They felt I was showing no willingness to compromise and consider what he wanted. I had previously researched the local schools in his area and was told they are so full that I couldnt get a place for my two boys at the same school even !! Let alone the fact that moving would have meant having to leave my job. And give up any childcare that enabled me to work. I explained I didnt feel this was fair on me or my children... but alas we couldnt agree. The result....

I've now been dumped and told to terminate the pregnancy on the grounds that he isnt the right man for me as he cannot give me everything I need. Also all the arguments over the last couple of weeks regarding this subject have made him feel differently towards me and doubt we could be happy long term. I'm devestated. I'd never personally want to undergo a termination but... I simple cannot cope alone with 3. It wouldnt be fair to my boys if I brought another little human into the mix without the support of a partner. The problem I have is... I'm a hormonal mess.... and after many exhausting arguments and being told repeatedly by my partner and his family that in being unreasonable my question is.... am I?

Brutal answers please. I want to know if I've been an asshole

OP’s posts: |
Gemlouiski Wed 05-Aug-20 16:28:42

Edit.... I made a typo... I meant to say 'I had always been clear to my partner that I did NOT want to move my boys from their school'

OP’s posts: |
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Wed 05-Aug-20 16:29:11

He's the arsehole for dumping a pregnant woman shock

Taffydog Wed 05-Aug-20 16:31:42

No you haven’t been in the slightest - all of these very valid reasons for needing to stay in the area you are were known to him before you fell pregnant. You are compromising in taking the plunge to buy a house with him. On a pragmatic note there would be no sense to you moving area what so ever. I guess it’s good you’ve found out what he’s like now - but I can only imagine how difficult it will be to decide what to do in regards to the baby. Good luck x

Cadent Wed 05-Aug-20 16:31:52

Well he showed his true colours, didn't he? Even going so far as hiding behind mummy and daddy.

You did nothing wrong, OP. Just be glad you didn't get entangled in a mortgage/marriage with a manchild.

They have no 'grounds' to tell you to terminate your pregnancy. Block them and do what's best for you. flowers

Feralkidsatthecampsite Wed 05-Aug-20 16:32:04

Your relationship is over.
2 choices.. Have the baby alone and def claim Cms.
Have an abortion.
No middle plan I can see.

Trisolaris Wed 05-Aug-20 16:33:55

Well no. YANBU

You would have to unsettle two children, change jobs and sell a house for his plan.

For your plan your children would still be unsettled but as a good mum you were doing your best to make it easy for them and sell a house. All he needed to do was sell a house (which presumably he would do either way so you could buy together) and move 45 minutes away. If he wasn’t willing to do that then he would not be right for you. On top of that he has now abandoned you whilst pregnant.

What an arsehole.

pog100 Wed 05-Aug-20 16:34:01

Of course you aren't being an asshole. Everything you say makes perfect sense.
Of course he will see things a bit differently but I fail to see what his parents have to do with this at all. However, the way he has dealt with this disagreement does tend to make me think there is no future in the relationship, you are never going to see him the same again.
As far as the pregnancy goes only you can decide. He is absolutely, and his parents even more so, in the wrong to try and force a termination on you. If you want to continue, he pays CM and gets access.. You need to decide.

Flyg Wed 05-Aug-20 16:34:06

You are not unreasonable at all.

What compelling reason is he presenting for you to all upsticks and live where he does now? Because you have school, childcare and work.

I am sorry you are going through this.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 05-Aug-20 16:34:42

I think he's listening to 'mummy' way too much.
It's 45 minutes away.
You have 2 children and a job to consider.
He does NOT!!!
He's shown his true colours now so you need to get on and do what you need to now.
Horrible as it may be, you will be making the right choice for yourself and your DSons.
He's a CUNT!!

FourPlasticRings Wed 05-Aug-20 16:34:51

YANBU

Yambabe Wed 05-Aug-20 16:35:08

He's the asshole. What the very FUCK does it have to do with his mum and stepdad where you live? That's just a get-out excuse because he is panicking about the pregnancy.

Your body, your decision. He doesn't get to tell you to terminate your pregnancy. You have time to get over the initial shock and make a measured decision about termination.

blissfulllife Wed 05-Aug-20 16:35:16

He's a prat. He wants to terminate the pregnancy coz his mommy thinks he shouldn't have to move area! Christ almighty he works from home so it's not really going to effect his life nearly as much as yours. He'd rather you lost your job, upset your children's schooling, possibly not even have adequate schooling in that area, leave your childcare so possibly find it really hard to keep a job in the future. All so he can stay in his area...what a selfish fool.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this horrible situation but personally you are definitely not being the unreasonable one.

His parents should keep their noses out

BumblePan Wed 05-Aug-20 16:36:40

He's a twat and his family should butt out of your business.

RealLifeHotWaterBottle Wed 05-Aug-20 16:37:17

You are not being unreasonable. Your children are settled, you have a childcare network and school placements available- the impact of giving that up would be huge. You were not just being asked to compromise here, your kids were too. And thh, its not even a compromise since you were being asked to change every aspect of their lives at detriment to your career and financially.

If you cant continue with the pregnancy theres no shame in that. The alternative, your pregnancy being used as a bargaining chip to get you to come to heel and upend your children's lives is a HUGE red flag to me.

Wallywobbles Wed 05-Aug-20 16:38:03

No. If it's exactly as you said then he is being way way beyond fucking unreasonable. How old is he that his parents have got involved?

Tappering Wed 05-Aug-20 16:38:05

YANBU.

How telling that he needed to involve Mummy and Daddy to try and bully you. There is no 'compromise' when you already have two kids in school and childcare concerns, and he's the one with the greatest amount of flexibility available.

Firstly, it's none of his family's business - so they need to butt out.

Secondly it's not up to him if you terminate. His control over that ended the moment that he had sex with you and you became pregnant.

EhUp Wed 05-Aug-20 16:38:41

You are being strong and sensible and putting the children you already have first so you have done nothing wrong

He is showing his true colours and is clearly unwilling to compromise or put your needs ahead of his

The fact that his family have waded in to the argument is a massive red flag

Menora Wed 05-Aug-20 16:39:17

You have had a lucky escape from him but I see why this is so hard. No you are not unreasonable you have such solid ties to your area it’s perfectly reasonable why you want to stay where you are - you are a good mother and a sensible human.

Good luck whatever you decide to do flowers

Serenity45 Wed 05-Aug-20 16:39:28

YANBU OP. You've presented a reasonable and sensible case to stay locally and it sounds like you've already been clear on this? Putting your children before your partner is absolutely the right thing to do here.

I wonder if he thought he could have more control now you're pregnant? I have no experience with this, but I've read on the boards here that pregnancy can often be the 'trigger' for abusers to show their true colours.

I'm sorry you're being put in this position. Please try to reach out for some real life support from friends or family too.

Wallywobbles Wed 05-Aug-20 16:39:29

Block him totally. Make the right decision for you. Don't let him gaslight you further.

toomanyplants Wed 05-Aug-20 16:39:40

I don't think you're unreasonable at all.
Valid reasons for staying where you are, sounds like he has taken more notice of his family than of you and your considerations.
He's a prick.

Gemlouiski Wed 05-Aug-20 16:40:11

Just to add a little more info for everyone....

Part of the reason they feel it's unfair is because I dont have my own property to sell. He does. I would not have to seel my home to buy one with him.

Also his parents live a hour away from where he is now, they are older and he worries about being there for them which I understand.... his mum was also upset about the prospect of being and hour and 20 minutes away from her first and only grandchild as she wouldnt be as 'involved' as she would like. She has wanted grandchildren for so long and apparently wants to be very hands on.

I'm not sure of his parents stance on the termination. They havent told me if they agree with that course of action. They have however been very clear that they think my expectations were unacceptable and unfair with regards to moving.

OP’s posts: |
conduitoffortune Wed 05-Aug-20 16:40:20

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. He, and his ridiculous parents, should be ashamed of themselves.

Thisismytimetoshine Wed 05-Aug-20 16:40:59

How long have you been together? Did you know he lived in mummy's pocket?

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