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I hate family life!

(36 Posts)
Summer294756 Wed 05-Aug-20 12:48:31

So sorry if this is on the wrong board. Im a long time member but have name changed as I'm so ashamed of myself for feeling like this.
I absolutely hate family life and I hate my husband. None of them have done anything wrong really, it's all me, and everything is amplified due to covid restrictions. If someone offered me a pill to take that would rewind my life by 20 years and I would take it in an instant and do everything in my life differently.
I have many things to feel lucky about. We are all in good health apart from me being fat. We have a loving family on both sides. My husband works and earns enough that I don't have to go to work!! I am so lucky and I do appreciate it.
But I'm so unhappy, and also lonely . I've been with my husband for 20 years since we were teenagers, so still only in our 30s now. We were together many years before we had children. Life had its ups and downs then but mostly OK. I really wanted children as it was the natural step.
Weve been parents for 10 years now and as much as I love my children it has been so hard and not what I expected (due to my son having sen) and my relationship with my husband doesn't really exist anymore.
We haven't had sex for 5 years. We sleep in in different rooms. We have polar opposite parenting styles so never agree. Every argument / disagreement we ever have is about the children. Most days.
We give our children a lovely life and they wouldnt be aware of my feelings or the problems with husband and I, as we put an act on with them thats everything's fine, but inside I'm crying and screaming.
We had many years of no sleep with the kids, then as my son grew he has had many problems with behaviour, and friendships, school, anger and anxiety. It is absolute hell to be honest. I hate our life. I hate what we have to deal with. And there is no end because he is going to be the same as an adult and he worries me sick.
Husband and I have completely grown apart and have nothing in common. I just want to be on my own!!
I know this current situation is not forever and everyone being stuck at home together is not helping. But every day I get up Dreading the day. Asking myself how did I end up in this life. Why did I make the choices I did.
I would never leave them and I will do everything in my power to give my children good lives and be their for them bit I have completely lost myself in the process. Can anyone relate or tell me it gets better? They are age 6 and 9

OP’s posts: |
fitzbilly Wed 05-Aug-20 12:52:48

Big hugs summer. I don't really know what to say, apart from things will get better. Your children are still very young.

Sounds like you have lost yourself and your own identity.

RedNun Wed 05-Aug-20 12:53:59

My husband works and earns enough that I don't have to go to work!! I am so lucky and I do appreciate it.

There's the kernel of your problem, OP. You're parroting about being 'lucky' you don't have to work, but as you (and many like you, me included) are simply not suited to the relentless domestic monotony and child-focused life of being a SAHM, you should rethink this whole 'I'm so lucky' thing, and refocus, retrain and get back to your pre-child career, or retrain for a new one, something you are genuinely enthused by. Give yourself something to get up in the morning for, and something other than your family as a focus for your life.

Sunshineandflipflops Wed 05-Aug-20 13:01:37

I echo what @RedNun says. I don't see staying home all day every day as being 'lucky' and I would personally hate it. If being a SAHP works for you then great but it's really not for everyone. I have always worked - before and after having children and it has helped me have my own identity and purpose (as well as being a mum of course) and financial independence (which came in very handy when my marriage ended unexpectedly). I also get to mix with lots of different people.

Maybe you could look into getting some p/t work that fits in with your children? Even something voluntary to begin wiwth?

I hope things get better for you, you sound very down x

Choppedupapple Wed 05-Aug-20 13:04:29

Can you get childcare to allow you to work?

CodenameVillanelle Wed 05-Aug-20 13:06:27

Get a job, split up and share care. You'll be a lot happier and more fulfilled with a job and a few days off parenting every week.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo Wed 05-Aug-20 13:10:14

Its incredibly hard being a SAHP especially with a SEN child. It is relentless and mostly thankless, especially the SEN part as you don't get the external rewards, milestones achieved as you do with NT children. I have huge sympathy and empathy for you as I felt the same a few years ago. But fast forward to today and I have retrained and work in an area that make me very happy and fufilled and gives me a life outside of the home. I also lost weight when I became happier, and the losing weight makes a big difference to how good and well you feel in yourself.

The only way through this though is tackling it head on. You are only 30's you can train in something part-time, even online, and be ready to go for it in a few years time. The independence and self esteem (and money!) that comes from this is well worth it. Follow your interests and look for something where there are plenty of jobs and flexibility. You have lots of practical experience with SEN so maybe something in that area? Or something completely different!

Ebonycat Wed 05-Aug-20 13:10:33

I can completely sympathise with feeling of loosing yourself as you care for your children. I found that writing a diary helped me get back on track. I could offload all the negative thoughts by writing them down - which often helped put them in perspective. I also started to make plans for the future and started to feel excited about the future and write lists of things to do.
I also suggest treating yourself to a really nice little book to use as a diary that you can carry around in your bag - and taking time to go and sit somewhere nice to write it.
I wish I was still in my 30s! So young!

madcatladyforever Wed 05-Aug-20 13:20:03

There is no way on gods green earth I could be a sahm I'd be bored senseless. I worked full time from when my son was 6 weeks old.
The happiest time in my life was when Iost all my excess weight and got divorced. Life was so much better then

beautifulxdisasters Wed 05-Aug-20 13:21:47

CodenameVillanelle

Get a job, split up and share care. You'll be a lot happier and more fulfilled with a job and a few days off parenting every week.

This.

Life's too short to continue in a situation you hate this much.

Couchbettato Wed 05-Aug-20 13:28:14

I couldn't live in a sexless relationship.

I think sexlessness happens because too many stressors get out of hand, and then the sexlessness becomes a stressor too, and then no one wants to perform because it feels forced, and then contempt moves in.

Once contempt has moved in then there's no room for love. Maybe appreciation and kindness but not really love.

I don't think you need to rewind life but you do need to consider what you want your future to look like. Consider that you don't get a do-over on life, and consider what you'd regret in 10 years time. Ie. "Wow I really wish I didn't commit to another 10 years of unhappiness when I could be living a happy life and coparent easily".

N0tfinished Wed 05-Aug-20 13:39:06

I'm sure all pp who suggested op go back to work are well intentioned but the reality is that getting childcare for a child with SEN is far from easy. I'm guessing op from your first post that your DS has ASD (mine too) Crèche settings are probably out of the question as they're too loud and chaotic for him. Maybe you could be very lucky and find a child minder that would be willing but it would be difficult.

I don't have much in the way of suggestions but loads of empathy. Parenting a child with SEN has parallels with being in an abusive relationship- constantly on tenterhooks, dreading the next meltdown, complicated feelings of love, anxiety, resentment buried way down deep.

OP, what if you & your husband split up. Could you do this alone? Let's say best case scenario, you separate, you keep the house. DH takes the kids every other weekend, 2 weeks in the summer. Would it work financially? Would you be able to afford that? Could you cope alone? How does that hypothetical future make you feel?

RedNun Wed 05-Aug-20 13:42:42

I'm sure all pp who suggested op go back to work are well intentioned but the reality is that getting childcare for a child with SEN is far from easy.

I'm absolutely aware of this, but from the OP's post, it sounds as if her son is at school, so it would be a matter of finding an appropriate type of childcare, perhaps in her own home, for after school.

Summer294756 Wed 05-Aug-20 13:45:46

Thanks everyone. I am actually hoping to start some voluntary work at my local museum which I'm really looking forward to. I've just been sorting that this week.
Stupid covid has spoilt everything and obviously I can't start yet because of that.

OP’s posts: |
gumball37 Wed 05-Aug-20 13:57:13

I'm feeling this right now. You aren't alone.

My eldest has mental health issues yesterday he struck me, broke a door, threw things around my office and out a hike in the wall. The night before he slapped my 3yr on the head. He's the only one to my ex... Who has no part in his life. All of my family support has died. So it's just me and my kids. Things were good until 5 years ago when my mom died and my son's mental health issues ramped up significantly. Now.... It's awful. It's an abusive relationship that I'm not allowed to walk away from. Today...I feel like everything will always be like this... So I need to just be okay with misery while trying to give my youngest 2 the best life possible.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo Wed 05-Aug-20 14:05:39

@gumball37 Can I suggest if the behaviour has escalated to regular violence you go to your GP and request specialist help. A psychiatrist will be able to prescribe medicine that will act as mood stabiliser's. Please get help, you and your younger children should not be living in fear.

Summer294756 Wed 05-Aug-20 14:11:39

@gumball37 I'm sorry to hear this. This is my fear going forward, that things are just going to get worse as he gets older and your trapped in the situation because it's your child.
I also feel a sense of greif and loss almost, for the child that I thought I would have. It makes me very sad and I dwell on it all the time.

OP’s posts: |
TheHoneyBadger Wed 05-Aug-20 14:15:36

God no. Don’t accept violence. If he hit your younger child voluntarily get ss involved. You and your younger child deserve to be safe gumball!

Op you’re life sounds gruelling. How about an evening job that has a social aspect-eg a couple of evening shifts in a pub or restaurant? It would give you time off the kids and husband and an opportunity to be with other adults

Veganfortheanimals Wed 05-Aug-20 14:22:46

Oh ..I thought I’d wrote this during the night
I’m in your shoes op but for 20 years with 2 sen kids ,oldest can’t be left .so I’m fucked like this for ever

keeponkeepingon2020 Wed 05-Aug-20 14:40:50

I agree with @beautifulxdisasters

You will do yourself (and your family, including your DH) a great disservice living like this.

You have 2 choices.
1- Invest in yourself (part-time work, new hobbies, connect with friends etc) and seek counselling or support for your relationship;
OR
2- As @CodenameVillanelle says: Get a job, split up and share care.

You have my empathy. flowers I am in a very similar situation and have chosen 2. Although lockdown has slightly delayed/derailed it! Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more.

TheHoneyBadger Wed 05-Aug-20 14:44:38

You say ‘share care’ but nobody can be compelled to share care with her and it could in reality all be dumped on her sadly.

piscean10 Wed 05-Aug-20 14:46:43

We haven't had sex for 5 years. We sleep in in different rooms. We have polar opposite parenting styles so never agree. Every argument / disagreement we ever have is about the children. Most days.
and this
We give our children a lovely life and they wouldnt be aware of my feelings or the problems with husband and I, as we put an act on with them thats everything's fine, but inside I'm crying and screaming.

These two statements completely contradict each other. You really think your kids dont know you are miserable. why mummy and daddy sleep separately? Sorry but I think you are trying to justify staying because you think you have a very rosy life. But your entire post comes across how unhappy and miserable you are and I'm certain the atmosphere in your house isnt as happy as you think.
You can leave op and pursue a more fulfilling life.

Summer294756 Wed 05-Aug-20 14:55:29

@piscean10 at the moment I think they are too young to notice. They think everybody's parents sleep in seperate rooms.
If we seperated if be in a worse situation. Most of the child care would be with me and I would get zero breaks. With husband here at least I can take a bath etc knowing the kids are supervised.
I wouldn't be able to pay for or maintain the home we currently live in. So I would have to uproot the children and downsize. My son can't handle change well due to his asd

OP’s posts: |
Summer294756 Wed 05-Aug-20 17:57:19

In feeling particularly rubbish today (that's why I posted on here) because I'm getting the feeling that a friend of mine is pulling away from me because of my son. It makes me angry and upset in equal measure. I want to ask her but Im too scared confused

OP’s posts: |
gumball37 Wed 05-Aug-20 20:16:07

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo ugh. They are involved. He's on meds, has a psychiatrist and therapy team. He's even been hospitalized 3 times. I called crisis for help the last time and they told me to call my team (did... But they didn't respond) because crisis help didn't start til 6pm😡 So much of this is left up to me and I'm barely holding on. I even I tagged as when I was worried about him harming my little kids... They visited once and closed the case because I, as the adult, wasn't the aggressor.

@Summer294756 I too grieve both the person I thought he'd be and the kid he once was. He was a delight when younger. Now I'm just constantly worried about our safety and what will happen when he's an adult. Because then it won't be me with no help... It will be the police that show up when he loses it. I just see prison in his future.... Not at all what a parent envisions for their child.

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