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did you meet a good one after much trauma and sadness?

(8 Posts)
amertuo Wed 05-Aug-20 09:29:20

Just that really. I’m 35 and feel like I am so broken. I have had a mix of two lovely long term relationships in my twenties and then two abusive relationships in my thirties.

One would give me silent treatment day after day. Criticise me. All sorts of nasty stuff. Then the next one had all but married me - talked about all the time - I was later pregnant and he left me to miscarry and call an ambulance alone. I heard nothing from him since other than a few weeks later texting to ask if I was still pregnant and if I was, he wanted to let me know he wouldn’t be there and he didn’t want it.

Then I rekindled a relationship from yesrs back with a man I truly believed was decent and loving. Only to find three months later that he was seeing someone else and she was working abroad. When she came back he ended it.

I try not to think about these things too much as I can’t really believe they happened. I put my heart into these relationships and feel so broken at how I was treated.

I find myself now totally disillusioned and lost about it all. I just want someone I can trust. I’ve had and have counselling. But generally I just cannot fathom meeting someone good, decent, kind, stable and sincere. I’m so hesitant that I worry I’m not opening my eyes to anyone, but maybe that’s a good thing and the decent ones will stand out? I don’t know

Anyone met a good one after some awful times and when you didn’t feel on top form?!

OP’s posts: |
Menora Wed 05-Aug-20 09:40:18

I’m sorry for what you have been though

I really don’t want people to come on here and tell you saviour stories, I don’t think this will help you

It’s possible to meet someone when you are feeling this vulnerable (nothing is impossible) but it’s so much more likely you will meet someone who isn’t healthy and you are vulnerable to meeting an abuser. It is so so so important that you work on yourself and your self esteem to get yourself into the best place possible to offer another person a healthy happy relationship. If you turn this question around - is it fair to expect someone to come and save you and build you back up again? That’s a lot of work for another person to do.

You need time to heal before you can trust. Stop looking to meet someone to make you feel better and work on making yourself feel better. See your friends, take care of yourself and do things you enjoy

amertuo Wed 05-Aug-20 09:43:31

Thanks menora I don’t think it’s that I want someone to fix me...I am ok just utterly fed up with never having met someone right. I feel ok but I can’t be as positive and optimistic about relationships as I once was. I just can’t. There’s part of me that feels sad about that and I can’t shift it because those things have happened now

OP’s posts: |
Menora Wed 05-Aug-20 09:57:51

But that’s what you will project outwards into the world - reading your post it reads exactly like you aren’t really ready to date, but you are asking for hope that you can and will meet a good person to restore your faith in relationships. You might do - but you probably won’t while you still need to heal those wounds. Dating is a difficult world and you need a thick skin. If you aren’t ready then take time for yourself. How long ago was the last RS? Everything takes time. You need to make yourself happy and learn how to move on. More counselling might help you? Going into dating with a really negative mindset could make you feel a lot worse.

I’m 40 and only just met a person who I think might be right for me but too early to really tell.

Menora Wed 05-Aug-20 10:00:17

What I am trying to say is - yes you can heal and you need to heal

Don’t take this trauma into your next relationship though. Bad idea

You need to protect yourself which is what your mind and emotions are trying to do, and you can change this but it takes time

It won’t always be like this you won’t always feel like this but whilst you do, don’t date

amertuo Wed 05-Aug-20 10:02:53

It feels like it will always feel this way. Last relationship ended in May. I just wanted things to work out for once. Everyone else seems to have met the right one by now

OP’s posts: |
Menora Wed 05-Aug-20 10:09:49

Ok that was not long ago and you are still hurting. It won’t always feel this way! It’s just still very raw for you.

Honestly I do believe that anyone can meet a good person, but you have to be in a good place and that is some work you would need to do. For now though just be kind to yourself

FatBottomedGurl Wed 05-Aug-20 12:07:59

I totally echo what @Menora has said.

Personally; I was married to an alcoholic abusive man and had to rebuild my life as a single mother with nothing more than some black bags full of clothes. A few years down the line I was in "ok" relationship but ultimately he cheated on me which is obviously hurtful and unsettling.

How I reacted to this was to realise that I needed to focus on myself. I spent several years being happily single. I went on dates, I had encounters, I had a wonderful social life and really explored my life as an individual. I did not want a relationship. I so enjoyed my own life that the idea of sharing and compromising with another man was just not attractive to me.

After a few years I happened to meet my current boyfriend. Again, I went into it with no expectations and was very honest about who I was, what I liked, what I wanted and what I could give. We are two years down the line now, we live together and we are genuinely very happy.

Its absolutely crucial to learn who you are as a person, before you can truly know what you want and what you can give to a relationship. Until you have had that period of self-reflection, relationships will remain tricky. I feel this applies mainly to people such as ourselves who have went through traumatic, abusive relationships, as they do leave a mark and we cannot leap into relationships naively, as we tend to cling to past memories and fears.

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